Louis van Gaal poses with Man United’s defenders. 

Black Friday has claimed a fresh batch of souls, which means the holiday season has arrived. Never ones to sit out a shameless cash grab, football clubs have upped their seasonal merchandising efforts in order to ensure that they can make all the inevitably disappointing signings they want during the January transfer window. And the resulting apparel looks like gunk vomited up by an elf who mixed egg nog with gingerbread meth. Which is good news for us.

To start things off, we have an unsettling onesie from Borussia Dortmund’s “Christmas Eve Cosies” collection. That’s Emma the bee depicted on the top in an oddly suggestive pose, licking its lips with a clear view between its legs. Unless you’re trying to seduce a Furry, wearing this will ensure that you spend the holidays answering questions from an array of law enforcement officials and psychiatrists.

Nothing says “holiday cheer” like arguing over the color loyalty of a fictional character. So, like five-year-old Crips and Bloods, Man United and Chelsea have decided to do just that.

Though Santa Claus’ unnatural obsession with wearing the color red has never been disputed before, Chelsea have opted to assert otherwise in the hopes that fans have never seen a picture of the jolly fat man. Man United, meanwhile, have asked him to play center back.

This is the PSG chapka. If you asked Zlatan Ibrahimovic to wear this, he would dropkick you into a strange world where oranges taste like mangos and Arjen Robben occasionally cuts outside. You don’t want to go there.

“LFC is for life not just for Christmas,” this shirt (a holiday T-shirt, mind you) reads in borderline illegible fonts. Has anyone ever said “No, I am only a fan of Liverpool on Christmas! Not Easter. Not Chinese New Year. Just December 25 every year and then every other day I watch nothing but Magnum PI reruns.”

It’s like someone’s boss told them that they had to make a shirt that said “LFC,” “life” and “Christmas” on it and this was the best they could do.

Most people would probably look at this sweater and call it an abomination of good taste, but I would argue otherwise. I’m not an Arsenal fan, but there’s something great about a football with the head of a snowman giving what appears to be obscene hand gestures in the middle of a blizzard. And Alexis Sanchez seems to agree. Also, 20% of the retail price goes to charity foundation Save the Children.

Of course, those children in need would probably give all of that money right back to Arsenal in an effort to save Arsene Wenger, but it’s the thought that counts.

Speaking of Wenger, the Chelsea shop has an item that was surely created just to ruin his Christmas. The life-size Jose Mourinho standee…

You can almost hear it whisper the phrase “specialist in failure” over and over again.