Roy Keane quit his job as Aston Villa’s assistant manager in the last week of November. At the time, he said the reason for his decision was so he could devote himself more fully to his role as Ireland’s assistant manager and spend time with his family. The truth is that he really wanted to fulfill his lifelong dream of being mall Santa Claus in the United States.

Keane grew out his beard in recent months just to see if he could pull it off. Pleased with the results, he decided now was the time to make his dream come true. The following is a transcript of his first day on the job.

Child #1: Santa, Santa!

Keane: Call me Santa Roy.

Child #1: Why?

Keane: Because I just said to. Now what would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Child #1: I want a Nintendo 3DS and lots of games, Santa Roy!

Keane: That sounds like a stupid toy. You’ll get a football.

Child #1: But I already have a ball, Santa Roy.

Keane: Then you can use one as a pillow. Now off you go. Who’s next? … Move, lad, move!

Child #2: Santa Roy, I want Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles figures and their secret sewer lair.

Keane: You don’t even know to say “please” before you ask for something? Tell your parents that old Santa Roy says they’re failures and should be ashamed of themselves.

Child #2: Um…Ok…

Keane: And if they give you any trouble about telling them the truth, headbutt some sense into the both of them.

[Child #2 runs away]

Keane: Alright, come on, keep it moving. Ah, here’s a clever one in a Man United shirt. And what do you want for Christmas?

Child #3: I want Sir Alex Ferguson’s autobiography — the updated version!

Keane: …Who put you up to this?

Child #3: No one, Santa Roy. That’s what I want for Christmas.

Keane: YOU’RE A MISERABLE LIAR AND SO IS FERGUSON!

Child #3: Mom! Santa Claus called me a liar!

Mother: How dare you talk to my child that way!

Keane: That cretin idolizes the biggest snake to ever slither up and down the touchline. You should be reprimanding him, not me.

Mother: I’m going to speak to your manager!

Keane: Good. You’re both idiots, so you’ll have plenty in common.

Manager: Hey, Roy, what’s going on here?!

Mother: This awful man called my child a liar and me an idiot.

Manager: Is that true, Roy?

Keane: Yes, it’s true that the kid is a liar and she’s an idiot.

Mother: See! I demand that you fire this man right now!

Manager: I’m sorry, ma’am, but…he knows where I live.

Keane: That’s right, you spineless twit. Now I’m taking my lunch break over at the book shop. Tell the fire brigade that if they try to stop me from burning Ferguson’s compilation of lies they’ll be next. Merry Christmas, everyone!