Well hello there.

I see you’ve caught me trying my hardest at football. Of course, we both know that I’m capable of scoring from this position. And we also both know that when I say that I’m referring to sex. And goals. Because I do both of those things a lot. And no, not just when I’m alone. Ha-HA!

But since this is the holiday season, I’m not here to talk about all my sex and goals. Unless you want to, of course. … OK. I’ll take your vigorous head shaking to mean you want to save that for later. So instead we’ll begin with the true reason for the season — telling Berba Claus your deepest, most sensual desires so I can fulfill them while my cousin Timitar, who just so happens to be dressed as an elf because he does that sometimes, films us. HA-HA-HA!

I can tell you’re hesitant to tell me your erotic desires in a stadium full of people — or, since we’re in Monaco, a stadium a quarter full of people — so I’ll break the ice by telling you mine. … I’m not sure why you just put your fingers in your ears and started humming, but it might inhibit your ability to hear the knee-quivering adventure I’m about to escort you through.

Anyway, we begin at my dentist’s office. Not because I choose to be there, but because I happen to have an appointment on this hypothetical day. My mouth has that chalky fluoride feel to it, which I find arousing. You are dressed in a lobster costume. From there, we go back to my place and take naps in separate beds since I like to stretch out when I sleep. When we awaken, we stand under the mayonnaise waterfall I had installed in my bathroom while gazing into each other’s eyes as the thick dressing clouds our senses. This goes on for several hours. And after that, well, the sky’s the limit.

So. Now that you’ve heard what lustful creativity sounds like, it’s your turn to regale me with your own tales of yuletide debauchery. And feel free to sit on Berba Claus’ lap as you do so. HA-HA-HA!

Oh-Oh-Oh! I just shifted my weight onto the decorative nutcracker I was keeping in my shorts to surprise you with later. Oh, with the benefit of hindsight that was such a bad decision. Quickly — tell me your fantasy so I can heal myself with the erotic visions! … Oh, watching you walk away is only helping slightly. If only you were wearing a lobster costume right now.

Despite this profound disappointment, I still wish you happy holidays. I’ll wait here for you to return with my gift. Hopefully it’s expensive and pre-lubricated.

This has been another chapter in the life of…The Continental…