Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers has made it clear that the club will spare no expense to bring in a new, world-class scapegoat during the January transfer window.

“Mario [Balotelli] and Simon [Mignolet] and some of the other players have done a tremendous job of keeping the blame from falling solely on myself so far this season,” Rodgers told reporters in a room decorated exclusively with paintings of himself, which he has dubbed “The Brendan Room.” “But if we’re going to have an underwhelming run-in to the season, they’re going to need some help from a player or two who really know how to underachieve spectacularly.”

Currently ninth in the table and eliminated from the Champions League after the group stage, Liverpool have struggled to match last season’s form, which propelled them to a  second-place finish and earned Rodgers the LMA Manager of the Year award. Now, Liverpool are hoping to spread the blame.

“Our scouts are working hard to identify our January targets,” Rodgers added. “We’d love to bring in a Fernando Torres type or a Hatem Ben Arfa — someone who could really provide a huge distraction from the larger issues I’d rather not deal with. After all, 85 percent of perception is 92 percent perspiration. I just made that up right now. Feel free to put it on a T-shirt with a picture of me looking off into the distance. Maybe with some wind in my face. I don’t know. I’ll leave that up to you.”

When asked what kind of budget he will have at his disposal, Rodgers said, “What’s a budget? I’m imagining it’s some kind of Subway sandwich, but that just might be because I’m hungry and Mr. Henry told me to mention Subway sandwiches more during my press conferences.”