Zlatan Ibrahimovic was harshly sent off 31 minutes into the second leg of the Chelsea-PSG Champions League round of 16 tie for a 50-50 challenge with Oscar. Despite being reduced to 10 men, PSG pushed a lackluster Chelsea side to extra time, where they recovered from going a goal down to advance on away goals.

After the match, Zlatan said, “The worst is when I get the red card, all the Chelsea players come around — that, for me, I don’t know, it felt like I had 11 babies around me.”

The following is Zlatan’s player ratings for the match.

PSG

My teammates: 10. Because they all had the spirit of Zlatan coursing through their veins, they were able to overcome Chelsea’s many advantages, which included, but were not limited to: Jose Mourinho’s mind games, the idiot referee confusing the conspiracy against Chelsea with a conspiracy against everyone, having more players on the pitch, Diego Costa using some kind of red card immunity cheat code, and not having to look into the eyes of Zlatan and play the majority of the match in soiled shorts.

Zlatan: I sacrifice myself so that my team could advance. Zlatan lives inside of each of his teammates, making them better even when I am not physically present. Does that make me Jesus? Of course not. That makes me Zleezus. I give myself a 100, because I am that good and I keep it that real.

Chelsea

Their starting XI: They each get a 1. Because that is the age of a baby, how bad they played, and also the number of players more that they had. And yes, I know that this is harsh on Courtois, who did not approach the referee when I was sent off. But he is young enough to actually be a baby, so it still works.

Didier Drogba: 37. If you play in a Champions League match on your 37th birthday, you deserve a good rating. Remember this when I play in one on my 100th birthday.

Jose Mourinho: 2. Normally, he is The Special One. But on this night he came second.

While this incredible feat was unfolding, Bayern beat Shakhtar Donetsk 7-0. This does not scare me. Although one member of the Coalition Against Pep is out of the competition, the chairman/treasurer remains. I’m coming for you, Pep. If this is what my team does to someone I like, try to imagine what they will do to someone I don’t.