Liverpool have unveiled their new home kit for the 2015/16 season. Though this one carries the badge of Warrior parent company New Balance for the first time, it’s still red. Some people might say that the shirt is indistinguishable from every other Liverpool home shirt ever made and isn’t worth paying £50 for, but those people aren’t real fans.

Real fans buy at least one new shirt every year and are grateful for the privilege to do so.

Anyone who can’t afford to do that is NOT a real fan.

If you really loved the club, you would have worked harder and gotten a job that provided the necessary disposable income to buy a new shirt or three each year. Either that or you’d spend less money on things that have nothing to do with the club like food and heating your home. You’d be warm enough if you had this shirt

This season’s shirt is now outdated. It’s not the newest anymore. You do want the newest one, right? Old things are good, but new is better. Having the old shirt shows that you used to be a fan of Liverpool, but having the new one shows that you still are. You’re not just a glory hunter are you? Glory hunters are hell-bound scum. Real fans go to heaven when they die, because even God cares about the honor in devotion to one football club. It’s the one thing all spiritual leaders agree upon. Even atheists.

People will know that you’re not a proper fan if you don’t have the new shirt. Your friends will think less of you. Your family will shun you. Buy the new shirt to prove yourself to everyone. Buy the new shirt to support the club. Buy the new shirt to feel like you belong. Buy the new shirt.