You did it, Pep. You found a way to beat Barcelona and still send your club’s supporters away feeling like they just watched their dog get run over by a freight train that drove through their kitchen. I Zlink your work here is done.

In two Champions League semifinals with Bayern, you have now lost by a combined score of 10-3. That’s worse than losing in the quarterfinals. Zleriously. People would think better of you right now if you locked your players in the dressing room during each of those matches and threatened to flood the internet with nude pictures of Sepp Blatter if anyone let them out.

This was against Real Madrid and Barca, too. Teams you know very well. And you didn’t lose to them with a squad of three legged kittens — you did it with a team that won the treble the year before you arrived. Many of whom went on to win the World Cup when they weren’t being held back by you. All of that would make me laugh if I wasn’t already laughing at you. Zlahahaha!

Meanwhile, Luis Enrique is proving that he can do just as well as you did at Barca. So I guess my question for you, Pep, is this: Zlank you for letting everyone see what I have known about you for years and when do you plan on apologizing to Jupp Heynckes for making him retire just so you could make his team do worse?

You said before the second leg against Barca that you wouldn’t go to Man City next season because you still have a year left on your contract with Bayern. But the only respectable thing for you to do now would be to step aside so Bayern don’t waste another season on you holding them back. Football management just isn’t for you, Pep. And that’s Zlokay.

Maybe you can try a career where you can’t negatively influence people’s lives like sitting in the woods by yourself or becoming the social media manager for the Coalition Against Pep. Mourinho is convinced that Twitter is giving him a lower character limit than other users, so we could really use someone for that.

Zlatan’s Ratings

Neymar: 9

Luis Suarez: 9

Marc-Andre ter Stegen: Better than Neuer

Bayern Munich: Better with Heynckes

Pep Guardiola: Better do something else.

Previously — Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s expert analysis of Barca v Bayern: leg one