Hull midfielder Jake Livermore has been suspended by both his club and the FA after testing positive for cocaine (aka Maradona’s Miracle Munch). This is an odd measure, since playing for a relegation threatened club in the city voted Britain’s dullest place in 2008 without being able to take any drugs is punishment enough.

“Frankly, we’re surprised he only tested positive for one substance,” said one FA official who wished to remain anonymous because he is a desk chair. “Our studies have shown that people need to be on at least four different drugs just to watch Hull City, let alone play for them. If anything, his ban should be seen as a reward.”

Our source added that the FA briefly considered showing Livermore pictures of Hull manager Steve Bruce in a bathing suit as punishment, but that idea was quickly deemed far too harsh.

Steve Bruce to console himself at half time by booking his summer holiday pic.twitter.com/lKGEwQSl40

— Craig Croarkin (@CraigCC8) May 4, 2015