Xavi has announced that he will leave Barcelona at the end of the season and join Qatari club Al-Sadd on a two-year contract. The end of Xavi’s extraordinary 24 years with Barca, from La Masia to winning 23 trophies with the first team, will be an emotional one. But he’s looking forward to his new adventure in Qatar — not only on the pitch, but in his new position with the Aspire Academy and as an ambassador for the 2022 World Cup. 

This is Xavi’s letter to the people of his new home… 

Citizens and fairly treated migrant laborers of Qatar,

Hark! For I am Xavi, noble upholder of all that is good in football and unquestioningly loyal servant to generous employers. As you surely have been informed by some sort of gold encrusted notice carried in the beak of a dove, I will soon arrive in your universally beloved and respected land to spread the sacred gospel of proper football and groundskeeping ideals. So rejoice! Your long, plaintive cries for a benevolent hero to save your impossibly wealthy nation from an indefinite future of improperly lubricated passing have been answered!

Upon being assured that everyone in Qatar rejects Jose Mourinho and his works, I agreed to join Al-Sadd and devote myself to the promotion of your country’s organic development into the world’s greatest footballing nation and jailer of trespassing journalists.

When first presented with this offer, I must admit that I had reservations. I expressed this to my gracious suitors and they immediately offered assurances on matters like human rights, equality, and governmental transparency. “Silence!” I shouted, pounding my fist against the step stool I use as a table. “Stop babbling about nonsense that no reasonable person could possible care about! I demand to know how dry your grass is!”

Having played in Qatar several times before, I was fearful that the region could not support the very exact pitch hydration specifications that the one true method of playing football requires. This, of course, would not have been tolerable. But I have been informed that your country has developed incredible, cutting edge artificial rain cloud and self-hydrating grass blade technologies that they can definitely implement whenever they want and I have absolutely no reason to believe otherwise.

With that matter put to bed like Lionel Messi on Christmas Eve, I had no other reservations that needed addressing. The offer of limitless money and a personal team of migrant workers so overjoyed with their lives in Qatar that they specifically request not to be paid or permitted to leave the country for any reason is almost too good to be true.

I did however, have one vital request. That once I turn Doha into a spiritual replica of Barcelona and rename it Pepadelphia, the royal family must use the same power of verbal reasoning that delivered the 2022 World Cup to save Cesc Fabregas from the unfathomable indignity of winning trophies by carrying out Mourinho’s repugnant brand of anti-football.

Naturally, they realized the unequivocal importance of treating people fairly and freeing them from oppression, and this too was promised. I then knew that any place as committed to ending Cesc’s suffering once and for all as I am is the ideal place to continue my career.

Now I eagerly anticipate our exciting adventure to the height of properly dampened, possession based euphoria. So prepare yourselves for the intoxicating satisfaction of doing things the right way.

Serendipitously yours,

Xavi, proprietor of virtue