Real Madrid sacked Carlo Ancelotti a mere 24 hours after Sam Allardyce became available. Coincidence? Haha no.

“I’m not suited to Bolton or Blackburn, I would be more suited to Inter or Real Madrid,” Allardyce said in 2010. “It wouldn’t be a problem to me to go and manage those clubs because I would win the double or the league every time.”

The following is a transcript of his job interview with Real Madrid president Florentino Perez. 

Perez: Thank you for coming in, Sam. Are you, uh, are you eating a turkey leg?

Allardyce: I am. I’d offer you one, but I’ve only got six on me at the moment.

Perez: That’s fine. I’m feeling slightly nauseous now, so I’m not hungry. But let’s begin. Why are you so certain that you would be successful at Real Madrid?

Allardyce: Well, I hate to answer a questions with a question, Florry — do you mind if I call you Florry?

Perez: I do. Florentino is fine.

Allardyce: Ah, we’re friends here, Florry. Lighten up. You can call me Grande Sam. Hahaha get? It’s Spanish. Grande Sam. I like that. Call me that.

Perez: I’d rather not. But, please, continue with your answer to my question.

Allardyce: As I said, Florry. I hate to answer a question with a question, but have you ever had a League of Ireland First Division winner in here?

Perez: I don’t…believe so.

Allardyce: 1992.

Perez: What does that mean?

Allardyce: I led Limerick to the League of Ireland First Division title in 1992. Then I won the old Football League Third Division with Notts County in ’98 — Blade came out that year. You ever see Blade, Florry?

Perez: Blade? I don’t believe so.

Allardyce: Wesley Snipes. He’s half-vampire, but kills other vampires. Very cool. I’ll loan you my VHS of it if this goes well.

Perez: That won’t be necessary. Can you speak Spanish, Sam?

Allardyce: Does the Pope stuff jelly beans in a pillowcase?

Perez: I don’t, uh, I don’t know what that means.

Allardyce: Look, Florry, you’re getting bogged down in the details. The bottom line is that I’ve worked miracles with small clubs on tight budgets. All I need is a chance with a big club and I’ll cover you in so many trophies that you’ll think I’m making some kind of Japanese porn film.

Perez: That’s an unsettling choice of words. Thank you for coming, Sam. We will let you know when we’ve reached a decision.

Allardyce: That’s it, eh? Who else are you talking to? Rafa Benitez? He’s a clown. Your players will eat him alive. Jurgen Klopp? All I’ll say about him is that the man wears glasses.

Perez: What’s wrong with wearing glasses?! I wear glasses.

Allardyce: And two wrongs don’t make a right.

Perez: What does that even mean?! OK. It’s time to end. Good day, Mr. Allardyce. We will inform you of our decision.

Allardyce: Alright. If that’s how it is. Just keep in mind that I’ve been named Premier League Manager of the Month twice as many times as Jose Mourinho. So if him and Ancelotti can’t hack it for you, this is as good as it gets. Grande Sam. Remember the name. Adios, Florry.

Perez: Oh God! What have I done?