Dear Mr. Mourinho,

I recently read about Didier Drogba’s intention to leave Chelsea this summer and would like to find out if you are now looking for an experienced striker with a stylish haircut to replace him. I am interested in a job within the Premier League and would be happy to move to London. It will be a great pleasure to learn more regarding Chelsea FC’s mission and the potential job opportunities.

I have recently completed a season on loan at Manchester United, where I learned a great deal about youth development as a member of their U-21 team and tactical adjustments by sitting next to manager Louis van Gaal during first team matches. I would also like to point out that I am the same Falcao who scored 142 goals in four seasons with Atletico Madrid and your former club, Porto. Honestly. I really am.

I can provide more detailed qualifications upon request. In addition, I would also like you to know that I am not limiting my job search to the highly competitive striker position. Given my recent form, at a prestigious club such as Chelsea I would be more than happy to accept a position in the ticket sales department, as an apprentice groundskeeper, in the kitchen, or any other job that you would be generous enough to give me. Please.

To follow up on my inquiry, I will call your secretary after two weeks, and every 10 minutes on transfer deadline day if I don’t hear back from you between now and then. James Rodriguez is letting me borrow his mobile phone because he’s tired of its constant ringing, so I can be reached there anytime day or night.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to meeting with you soon. And again, I will do absolutely anything to avoid a sad future of playing for Stoke City.

Desperately yours,

Radamel Falcao

Attachments: A picture of me begging