Since I, Sepp Blatter, am the godfather of women’s football, there is no one more qualified to tell you everything you need to know about the 2015 FIFA Women’s World Cup!

Even though the tournament has not yet begun, people are already talking about it with so much excitement that you might think it started last Saturday. That’s how far I have brought women’s football! And that’s one of many reasons why the American authorities should not arrest me.

Anyway, it is my hope that more people will watch this spectacular event than ever before. As FIFA president, I have been too busy doing completely honorable business to see for myself over the last 17 years, but I am told that these women are brilliant footballers. So my staff has collected several pictures of top players in the women’s games and I will now tell you about them.

Ah! These are two of the very best in the world! Alice Morgan and Marta. I have met them both and they like to pretend that they don’t know who I am talking to. It’s nice to know that excellent footballers can be so modest. It’s also nice to see an American and a Brazilian get along so well!

This is a fantastic player and I’m sure you already know her name, so I won’t even say it. She plays for Germany, as we can see here by the shirt she is wearing and she is a very good defender. I would say she is one of the best defenders in the world. Yes.

Now this is a player to watch closely. They call her Ms. Pele. Well, I call her that. Because I am so familiar with her skills and Pele’s name. Do you remember the game Ms. Pac-Man? I do.

This player was born without a name. It’s very sad that such a thing still happens in this day and age, but it just shows how much work we still must do to advance women’s football. And I can’t do that work if I’m in a prison cell in Illinois or someplace like that. So for the good of women’s football, please don’t arrest me.

Well, that’s Hope Solo. Everyone knows her. The US Soccer Federation always likes to talk about how FIFA does not do a good job of punishing our tiny number of bad seeds appropriately or being transparent in our handling of scandalous events, but this is exactly what they do with Hope Solo all the time. So maybe the FBI should focus on investigating them and leave FIFA alone. Please.

As for the teams to watch, looking at the FIFA women’s world rankings sponsored by Coca-Cola, a proud FIFA partner that agrees with everything we do, Germany, the USA, France, Japan, and Sweden are definitely the top five teams. That much is clear.

I am told the USA have not won this event since 1999, and I’m sure they would very much like to change that. So I am offering United States Attorney General Loretta Lynch a friendly wager: If the USA win the Women’s World Cup, I will have to handle the punishment for all of the crimes committed by FIFA officials all by myself. And if the USA do not win the Women’s World Cup, I will deposit $2 billion into the Swiss bank account of her choice. You know, just a small, friendly wager between friends who never have to speak of each other again after this.

So that is my FIFA Women’s World Cup preview. I look forward to presenting the trophy to the winning team in a special ceremony from a country that does not believe in extradition treaties. But I will only do it on a field of natural grass. I shouldn’t have to stand on fake turf.

Go FIFA! Go FIFA! Go FIFA!