Sergio Ramos, Real Madrid’s all-time leader in red cards and dropped trophies, reportedly wants to leave the club and only wants to go to Manchester United. No, I didn’t mean to write Manchester City. He supposedly only wants United. The following is a transcript of his transfer demand.

Ramos: Boss, I want out. I don’t like the way things are going here and replacing Ancelotti with Rafa Benitez, then refusing to admit that it was only a prank for a TV show was the last straw.

Florentino Perez: You dare question me?! Where could you possibly want to go? Barcelona? Manchester City? PSG?

Ramos: Manchester United. I only want to go to Manchester United.

Perez: Haha, very funny, Sergio. You had me going for a second. Now please leave me alone, I have a pile of money that I have to set fire to. And if I don’t do it soon, I’m going to be late setting fire to the next pile of money after that. I am a very busy man.

Ramos: I’m serious. I only want to go to Manchester United. Please make it happen.

Perez: What? Why?

Ramos: I have always dreamed of playing for Sir Alex Ferguson.

Perez: Is that so. And when is the last time you saw Manchester United play?

Ramos: Early 2013. Why?

Perez: Well, Ferguson retired and they haven’t won any trophies since. So are you sure you still want to go there?

Ramos: Yes. I’ve been reading the English newspapers, which everyone knows have never reported a transfer rumor that didn’t end up happening, and the players set to join Manchester United at any second are incredible. Schweinsteiger, Otamendi, Lloris, Kane, Bale, Benzema, Ronaldo, Gundogan, Sterling, Pogba, Hummels, Varane, Felipe Anderson, Cillessen, Bacca, Boateng, Lacazette. They even knew that I would go to United before I did! So I must go.

Perez: Oh, Sergio. You beautiful idiot. That’s not how newspaper transfer stories work. Not even close. Now, are you still sure you want to go to Manchester United?

Ramos: Yes.

Perez: Why?!

Ramos: I don’t know.

Perez: Then why are you saying this?

Ramos: Wayne Rooney told me that if I demand a transfer to Manchester United, you will be forced to give me a better contract. He said it works every time. He also said not to admit that to you, but I’m just remembering that part now. So please forget that I just told you that.

Perez: Go pretend to be a bull fighter in the dressing room, Sergio.

Ramos: OK!