Carli Lloyd made history with the greatest World Cup final performance of all time, completing a hat trick in the first 16 minutes of the United States’ 5-2 win against Japan. And doing it with a goal scored from the halfway line just to prove that real life is just a game of FIFA 15 against someone’s grandpa for her.

For the Japanese fans on the receiving end of Lloyd’s wrath, it was not a pleasant experience. Here now are some of their reactions to the heavy defeat…

“Three minutes in and the USA scored already? This can’t be good…”

“AHHHH THEY SCORED AGAIN! HOW DO YOU CONCEDE TWO SET PIECE GOALS TO THE SAME PLAYER IN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES?!?! FOR THE LOVE OF NINTENDO IT CANNOT GET WORSE THAN THIS!”

“Again?!?! Are we really down 3-0 in the 14th minute?!?! Is this actually something that’s happening?!?! If this is some kind of television prank, I am going to be very angry and very happy at the same exact time!!!”

“HOLY SHIT SHE JUST SCORED FROM THE HALFWAY LINE! She just completed a hat trick by scoring from the halfway line in a World Cup final and now we’re down 4-0 in the 16th minute! The Americans are summoning devil magic! How is this not illegal?!?!”

“It’s so bad! Why are they showing this on television?!?! It’s so bad!”

“MAYBE IF I CAN’T SEE IT THE WORLD WILL STOP EXISTING AND I WON’T LOSE THE MONEY I BET ON THIS GOING TO PENALTIES”

“I could have been doing so many other things right now.”

“Dear Carli Lloyd, please forgive me for not praying to you sooner…”