Hey Gerard, it’s me, your old not friend Pepe. I know we don’t really talk much outside of insulting each other during El Clasicos, but I just wanted to ask: are you OK, man?

It’s just that getting sent off for telling a linesman that you’d poop on his mother during the second leg of a Super Cup that was already long decided is weird. And before that your wife tweeted video of you kicking a ball at her chest for no reason.

This is what it’s like living with a footballer! / Esto es vivir con un futbolista! https://t.co/KFdh3gY14j

— Shakira (@shakira) August 10, 2015

It’s strange to have this much aggression before the season even really gets going. And that’s me, Pepe, destroyer of civilized worlds, saying that. Which is like Jose Mourinho telling someone to cool it on the Rafa Benitez insults. So you should know that you’re displaying troubling behavior.

Look, I know we’re rivals and aren’t particularly close to one another (shoves and headbutts during Real Madrid-Barca matches excluded), but I just want you to know that I’m here if you need me and I get it. The world can be an infuriating place. One time I even punched a sandwich because it didn’t have mustard on it like I specifically requested. I specifically requested it! How hard is it to put a generous slathering of mustard on a sandwich when a customer politely demands it?! I punched that mustard deficient sandwich dead!

But this was during the Champions League knockout stage, not some meaningless preseason competition, so it was perfectly reasonable.

Anyway, I’m not writing this to brag about my sandwich punching exploits. I’m writing you because I think I know how to alleviate your dangerous levels of late summer aggression. Let’s start a fight club. You and me. Fighting each other at a time and place that is convenient to both of us. Weapons will be allowed, but only if they’re homemade and display a whimsical creativity and steampunk aesthetic.

I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time and you’ve really proven yourself to be a worthy partner in this endeavor. So I’m excited and I hope you are too.

I urge you to accept this offer soon, Gerard. If you hold onto this anger much longer, it will only continue to escape in unwanted ways. At this rate, you’ll be telling Messi that his tattoos are ugly by October. And that would just be cruel. Make the right choice.

Violently,

Pepe