Steven Gerrard has a new autobiography coming out, so excerpts from it are being released in the hopes of drumming up interest in the book. Of course, the best way to do that is with a story about a penis injury.

In January 2014, Gerrard suffered a horrific injury. I suggest you stop reading at this point, but I know you won’t.

From Fox Sports:

The magic of the FA Cup was bloodied on the day my penis was cut and then stitched shut on an unromantic afternoon in Bournemouth last year. It was eye-watering. I tried to close down a winger to block his cross but felt a stinging in my privates. I thought, “S*** — that doesn’t feel right!” It was stinging like f***.

The gash looked pretty bad, right across the middle. There was plenty of blood. I needed four stitches and the lads were absolutely p*ssing themselves. You can imagine the jokes about inches and stitches and my future performances at home. I might have smiled but I could have throttled the lot of them.

Doc Andy Massey cleared the room, I took off my shorts and underpants and had one last look.

Ouch. I hoped I wasn’t saying goodbye to an old friend. I got a jab first and was careful not to look at what he was doing. The doc already had to staple Martin Skrtel’s head and now he was repairing my penis!

After I had been bandaged up as protection against any possible infection, I asked the obvious question. “Can I play against Everton on Tuesday?”

Getting stitches on one’s penis and not screaming forever is remarkable enough, but Gerrard actually played the final half hour of the match after sustaining the injury. Then, just three days later, he started in Liverpool’s 4-0 win against Everton and even scored the match’s first goal!

Basically, Steven Gerrard has the toughest penis in the history of football. And former teammate Javier Mascherano has the toughest anus.