I am Pele, the greatest footballer of all time and the source material for all official Pele hair diamonds.

Everyone is talking about Cristiano Ronaldo reaching 500 goals for his career. To him, I say the same thing I told my nephew when he turned 10 years old: “Congratulations, but who cares? I scored 1,283 goals. I am Pele.” This is like the whole world celebrating someone who runs a seven-minute mile when the record is three minutes and 43 seconds. It’s not a big deal. Trust me. I’m Pele.

This will all happen again when Lionel Messi reaches 500 goals, but the truth is that Pele has more than Cristiano and Messi combined. Combined! And yet the debate is always whether Messi is better than Cristiano or Cristiano is better than Messi. This is like arguing about whether McDonald’s is better than Burger King when there is a Pele restaurant in Brazil with 1,283 positive Yelp reviews.

I also have three World Cup titles while Messi and Ronaldo have zero. I can’t even say I have so many times more than them because you can’t multiply by zero. They are so far away from Pele that it exceeds the limits of mathematics!

But getting back to the goals, as you may have I heard, I scored 1,283 of them. If Cristiano is going to score this many, he needs to score another 500, plus half a 500, plus 31 more. Add that together and it equals that I am so much better than him.

Don’t misunderstand. Pele still wants people to love football and talk about it all the time, but instead of wasting your breath on not the best players like Ronaldo, Messi, or even Maradona, you should keep talking about Pele! There is so much to talk about! Not just the 1,283 goals that are the most ever, but my starring role in Victory with Sylvester Stallone or my hilarious cameo in Mike Bassett: England Manager or my hair diamonds. They made diamonds out of my hair! Does Cristiano have hair diamonds? He just has hair that wishes it was diamonds. Pele burn!

So until someone else scores 1,283 goals, Pele is still the king, Neymar is pretty good, and nothing else matters. Except Subway’s delicious cold garbage sandwiches. Eat fresh!