Hi, I’m professional footballer Karim Benzema. You might remember me from those pictures of my cars on Instagram or all those times Arsenal tried to sign me. Do you want to blackmail one of my international teammates over a sextape that may or may not exist? Do you need someone to act as a middleman and help the process along? Well for the low, low price of nothing, I will help your extortion dreams become reality!

At this point, you’re probably asking yourself, “Karim, why would you help me blackmail your teammates free of charge? Aside from those the police bring against you for getting involved, of course.” The answer is simple: I don’t know. I have absolutely no idea why I would put myself in this situation. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it FOR YOU!

My services aren’t limited to procuring money from my coworkers for the safe return of their sextapes, either. I can also help take the heat off your cocaine trafficking operation, crash Lamborghinis that I paid for, or do anything else that makes my life seem like a sequel to the 1983 film Scarface. All for no money down and no money per month.

Again, you must be wondering why I don’t just collect my massive wages for playing for one of the biggest football clubs in the world and hang out with Rihanna all the time. That’s an excellent question! So if you follow it up by asking me to be your sextape extortion middleman within the next 30 minutes, I’ll even throw in a customized Bentley for no added cost because I can’t possibly drive them all and they’re taking up space in my driveway that can be filled with live tigers! Act now!

This has been a paid advertisement for Karim Benzema, Sextape Extortion Middleman and is not admission of guilt or wrongdoing of any kind.