Manchester United and Chelsea, two clubs with uncertain managerial situations that both exist under the shadow of Jose Mourinho, played a miserable scoreless draw to end the calendar year. Thankfully, the match came to a merciful end that allowed all interested parties to move on with their lives and pursue more fulfilling endeavors. But since we have a masochistic streak here at Dirty Tackle, we feel compelled to ask, “What if it continued?”

97′ — Alex Ferguson rushes to cover Ryan Giggs’ eyes and ears to protect his developing managerial mind from being influenced by this display.

101′ — Wayne Rooney slowly melts into the ground. Except for his hair, which is not biodegradable.

104′ — Branislav Ivanovic is so out of sorts that he travels back in time when he runs.

108′ — Children in the stands at Old Trafford sob uncontrollably and beg their parents to make it stop. “I can’t,” the parents say, paralyzed with boredom. “I can’t.”

113′ — David De Gea and Thibaut Courtois agree to both go to Real Madrid and take turns being the kitman if they have to. Anything to get away from this mixed up nightmare.

115′ — Forgotten man Victor Valdes decides he’s more offended that Man United won’t play him at striker than that they won’t play him at goalkeeper.

120′ — “Falcao has more Premier League goals this season than Eden Hazard does,” says Falcao to strangers in the pub he went to after being denied entry to the stadium. “And David Moyes had a better record than Louis van Gaal,” replies David Moyes. They both feel so alone.

123′ — Nemanja Matic realizes that his protective mask has actually been a pair of binoculars strapped to his face all along.

127′ — Juan Mata prays to the patron saint of midfielders who don’t track back for Mourinho to replace Van Gaal and sell him again, this time to a better team.

132′ — Rafa Benitez emails Ed Woodward to state his interest in the Man United job and the likelihood of his upcoming availability. He cites his success in the Europa League as a perfect fit.

136′ — Ivanovic waves to a pterodactyl. He tries to take a picture of it, but he can’t, since cameras have not been invented yet where he is in the space-time continuum.

138′ — Bastian Schweinsteiger regrets his life choices.

139′ — Roman Abramovich realizes that there is only one man who can get the most out of his abysmal team: Vladimir Putin. He personally checks to see if there are any Premier League rules against going shirtless and riding bears on the touchline.

140′ — The match is abandoned when everyone accepts that Jose Mourinho isn’t going to show and Louis van Gaal isn’t going to be shamed into walking away.