Javier Mascherano was given a suspended sentence of one year in prison and a fine of €815,000 after pleading guilty to tax evasion in Spain. According to the Telegraph, “prison sentences for under two years in Spain can be suspended in exchange for a fine, so long as the crime is non-violent and the perpetrator has no previous convictions, and the Argentine is not expected to serve any time in jail.”

The state attorney has yet to agree to this sentence, however, so while they await that decision, the two sides have met to discuss a deal to ensure Mascherano’s freedom. The following is a transcript of that conversation. 

State Attorney: Mr. Mascherano, if we agree to keep you out of prison, you’ll have to give us something in return.

JM: I’ll pay any amount!

SA: No, we don’t anymore of your money. We want information.

JM: What information?

SA: About your club. Barcelona. We know there are many criminal activities going on there and we just need a well placed witness to confirm this. If you tell us the truth about Barca, we will keep you out of prison and protect you from retribution.

JM: I can’t. I don’t know anything!

SA: Yes you do, Mr. Mascherano. You have been with Barcelona for six years now. You surely know many things.

JM: (covers his face)

SA: Alright, a year in prison it is. Good luck, Mr. Mascherano.

JM: Fine! I’ll talk! What do you want to know?

SA: Whatever you can tell us. Perhaps starting with the details of the Neymar transfer?

JM: Neymar’s father said he would waive the majority of the fee if the club agreed to address him as “The Lionel Messi of Doing Sex” whenever he comes to Barcelona. The club went along with it, which is why the money was initially reported as being lower. Eventually they placed a monetary value on this service to make the fee seem more believable. All the players have to call him this. Even Messi himself. It’s so awkward.

SA: I knew it! Now, Mr. Mascherano, tell us about Barcelona’s youth program. Surely La Masia isn’t as pure as it’s claimed to be…

JM: It’s not. The children are all genetically engineered using the best traits of Barca’s star players. Sometimes it works and the children develop into brilliant footballers, but sometimes it goes horribly wrong. They accidentally combined Dani Alves’ fashion sense with Xavi’s obsession with groundskeeping perfection and the result was a group of strangely dressed children who would eat chunks of the pitch in order to be one with the grass. It was horrible. So horrible.

SA: My god…and if Barca would do that, surely it means they are doping as well.

JM: I can’t say…

SA: We will protect you, Mr. Mascherano! We will keep you out of prison and give you a new identity. If you tell us the truth.

JM: I mean, they did stuff with our blood, but I thought that was just their way of attracting Luis Suarez to the club and keeping him calm.

SA: Well, Mr. Mascherano, you’ve told us a lot here, but I can’t say we believe any of it. These stories of yours are patently ridiculous. You and all your tax evading teammates will pay for your crimes.

JM: But it’s true! It’s all true! As true as the time I tore my anus during the World Cup!

SA: Tore your anus while playing in the World Cup? We will not allow you to make a mockery of these proceedings, Mr. Mascherano. Take him out of here immediately!

JM: Nooooooo! You have to believe me! You have to believe me!

[End transcript]