Jose Mourinho hasn’t joined Manchester United yet, but stories are already being written about him shipping out Juan Mata, as he did at Chelsea in 2014. This is deeply troubling for the Spanish midfielder, so he has turned to the heavens for assistance in this dark time. This is his prayer. 

Are you there, football gods? It’s me, Juan Mata.

First, I want to thank you for all the wonderful things you have given me. I have had great success in my career, winning several top trophies (plus the Europa League), and making lots of friends along the way. For that I am eternally grateful.

I try to be positive, spread only joy, and help others as I have been helped. But a dark force stalks me, attempting to break my spirit just and destroy my belief in the inherent goodness of the universe. That dark force has a name. And its name is Jose Mourinho.

Just when I was starting to recover from Mourinho banishing me from Chelsea, where I won the Champions League, was twice named the club’s player of the year, and felt so much love and support, it now sounds like he is coming to do this to me again at Manchester United. I am so very scared of this.

Even though I haven’t won anything here and I am pretty sure Ed Woodward and Louis van Gaal are a pug and a St. Bernard in people clothes, I have still grown quite fond of this place. And the possibility of Mourinho coming in and sending me away again has me so upset that I can’t even smile when Wayne Rooney asks me to recommend books to read to his children at night.

What did I do to deserve this? I try to be nice. I am a man of simple pleasures. All I want to do is settle into a community, make a home, build lasting relationships, and write my blog in peace. Is that asking too much?

I don’t want to take up too much of your time, football gods. I know you are very busy punishing Sepp Blatter and performing miracles with Leicester City. But please, please send Jose Mourinho to coach a non-existent team on Mars and make him get stuck there by himself like Matt Damon in the Oscar nominated film The Martian.

This is all I will ever ask of you. And if you do this for me, I will continue to do my very best to play beautiful football and maintain an unintimidating beard. Please. I beg you.

Again, this is Juan Mata Garcia, your humble servant, politely asking for Jose Mourinho to be sent to Mars forever and for all future space missions to be diverted to other planets so he can never come back. Thank you and I hope you have a pleasant evening.