ESPN FC published their second annual MLS player poll, covering everything from the quality of play to the league structure and even their most overrated colleagues. Using that as inspiration, Dirty Tackle hastily put together a survey for Premier League players, who have answered on the condition of anonymity.

Is the standard of play in the Premier League getting better or worse?

Better: 99%
Worse: 1%

What the players said:

“Are we counting Aston Villa? If we’re not counting Aston Villa, it’s definitely getting better.”

“I play for Chelsea. So much worse.”

“The ‘big four’ are no longer dominating and Leicester City will almost certainly be playing in the Champions League next season. Plus, Harry ‘Just F***ing Run Around A Bit’ Redknapp is no longer in the league, so that alone raises the standard right there.”

Does England manager Roy Hodgson give players on clubs outside the traditional big four a fair chance?

Yes: 65%
No: 35%

What the players said:

“I’m pretty sure he just watches Liverpool and Spurs.”

“Gary Cahill is the f***ing vice captain. Let that sink in.”

“I don’t care. I’m German.”

Should the Premier League continue through international breaks and tournaments as if they didn’t exist?

Yes: 75%
No: 25%

What the players said:

“Yes.”

“Yes.”

“No…but if I played for England, I’d say yes.”

You’re chief executive for a day. What’s one thing you’d change about the Premier League?

Increase wages somehow: 44%
Relegate both Manchester clubs just for a laugh: 17%
Send all referees to a remote island with no food: 5%
Ban all supporters: 5%
Increase banter by 8%: 4%
Play all matches on FIFA 16: 3%
Put a Nando’s in every club’s training complex: 3%
Too obscene to say, even under condition of anonymity: 19%

What the players said:

“Yes, we already make a lot of money, but more money is always good. At least that’s what my agent says.”

“The only thing worse than know it all referees are know it all fans.”

“Can you image having a cheeky Nando’s without having to leave the training complex? I would literally cry.”

Would you leave the Premier League to play in MLS?

Maybe one day: 38%
It’s possible: 35%
Some other vaguely positive phrase that doesn’t rule out any career option whatsoever: 27%

What the players said:

“I’d go to Los Angeles. They have a thing called ‘sunlight’ there!”

“I used to play with Jozy Altidore. If they’re willing to give him as much money as they did, I could probably become the richest man alive if I played there.”

“MLS? Oh, you mean ‘the’ MLS.”

What draws international players to the Premier League?

Money: 51%
Money: 49%

What the players said:

“I like money.”

“I have also found that money is good to have in large quantities.”

“They don’t come here just to see the Downton Abbey castle, I can tell you that much.”

Can a Premier League club win the UEFA Champions League without acquiring the best players in the world?

Yes: 32%
No: 68%

What the players said:

“Two words: Leicester. City.”

“The gaffer says that the Premier League is the new Champions League.”

“If Catalonia and Spain separate, maybe we can get Barcelona in the Premier League.”

Most overrated players:

1. Wayne Rooney
2. Theo Walcott
3. Everyone else who plays for Arsenal and isn’t Mesut Özil

Most underrated players:

All respondents said “me.”

Most confusing players to rate:

All respondents said Eden Hazard.

Manager for whom you would most like to play:

1. Mauricio Pochettino
2. Jürgen Klopp
3. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ANYONE BUT LOUIS VAN GAAL