Fernando “Barcelona Can Call Me Daddy” Torres scored and then was booked twice all in a span of 10 minutes before Barca came back to beat Atletico Madrid 2-1 in the first leg of their Champions League quarterfinal.

Though Torres’ 35th-minute sending off was deserved and Atletico did enough fouling to earn the six yellow cards they were shown, Luis Suarez, who scored both of Barcelona’s goals, went unpunished for kicking out at Juanfran and received a yellow for hitting Filipe Luis in the face.

After the match, Filipe Luis channeled Jose Mourinho with a UEFAlona style rant. From Football Espana:

“We started well until the unfair expulsion which determined a lot. We knew that could happen,” the defender said post-match, AS reports.

“I don’t know what game Robert Fernandez watched. It’s a shame. I’ve made strong statements about Lionel Messi in La Liga but I think Barca are protected.

“We’re punished with maximum rigour. It hurts. It causes an earthquake to eliminate Barca. That causes damage to UEFA. […]

“I was sent off and crucified for just kicking Messi. What do they have to do to be sent off? Suarez’s was an aggressive act, a red card. I was crucified and rightly so, but this is punishable as well.”

He didn’t quite implicate UNICEF in a plot to aid Barcelona in the Champions League, but he made his point clear. Atletico were able to eliminate Barcelona in the quarterfinals two years ago on their way to the all-Madrid final, but that was clearly just allowed to happen in order to throw everyone off the true conspiracy.