Hello, I am still Zlatan.

Many footballers talk about the charitable work they do. Some give money, others give time, but every year I give the greatest gift of all to groups of fellow players who are not fortunate enough to be Zlatan or work with Zlatan. That gift is the Champions League trophy.

Every year I win many trophies for myself and my teammates. This makes me a champion. Therefore, every league that I am in is a champions league. So that means I have won the champions league many, many times. As a result, I feel that I must also give something away to the poor bastards who oppose me — something that is big and the best, like Zlatan. Because that’s how Zlelfless I am.

Now you are probably thinking “But, All-Powerful Zlatan, this means you also giving lucky fraud Pep Guardiola the opportunity to win the Champions League!” This is missing the point. I don’t think about Pep Guardiola. I spend all my time thinking about how I don’t think about Pep Guardiola. What I am actually doing is giving his players the chance to win the Champions League because, as someone who Zluffered through working with him myself, I know how much they deserve it for having to endure his stupidity.

My critics and Zlaters always point to the fact that I have not won the Champions League as evidence that I am not as great as I am. So now that I have revealed the reason for this, I hope they feel bad about everything they have ever done. Their quiet shame will be an acceptable apology to me.

Though Man City did not truly deserve to beat PSG, I hope that Manuel Pellegrini can win the Champions League title I so generously bequeathed because I would find it Zlilarious if another man prematurely replaced by Pep Guardiola — a terrible manager who I am still not thinking about — won this trophy before Pep takes his job and proves he cannot do the same thing. And if Pellegrini can’t do it, then I hope Simeone wins it since he will be the top general in my intergalactic army one day.

So to recap: I have won the champions league many times, but I don’t win the Champions League on purpose out of the kindness of my Zleart, I only care about Pep Guardiola just enough to hate him more than anyone else in the world, I am going to conquer the universe with General Simeone, and if anyone mentions how I haven’t won the Champions League again, I will kick them in the pancreas so hard that it will turn into a giraffe.

The Zlend.