Brendan Rodgers is Celtic’s new manager, ending a rather productive spell away from the game (boxing! a Times Square marriage proposal! daring fashions!) after he was sacked by Liverpool last October. A lifelong fan of the club, Rodgers seems to be a perfect match for the Scottish champions and has excited their supporters. 

The following is a transcript of Brendan Rodgers’ conversation with Celtic chief executive Peter Lawwell immediately after signing his new contract.

Lawwell: Welcome to Celtic, Brendan.

Rodgers: Thank you, Peter. Thank you very much. This is outstanding. Now when do we starting filming the reality show?

Lawwell: Reality show?

Rodgers: Yes, the reality show documenting my first few weeks at the club.

Lawwell: We don’t have any plans for a reality show, Brendan. I’m sorry.

Rodgers: That’s fine. Being: Liverpool was such an international sensation that I thought you’d want produce a follow up to it. I was thinking we could call it Brendan and the Bhoys or Brendan Returns: The Brendaning. But maybe we can just do a web series and a limited edition graphic novel instead.

Lawwell: Yes, well, we’ll think about that. First we need to announce your arrival! I’m sure the supporters will be thrilled.

Rodgers: I’ve got that sorted, actually. Here…

Lawwell: What’s this?

Rodgers: It’s the sign I have on my bedroom door. In my single days, I’d bring a lady friend back to mine and point to the sign, then give them a wink and they’d know they were entering the pleasure zone. Since Celtic Park is called Paradise, I figured it would work in this capacity, as well.

Lawwell: Oh, right. OK. I’ll pass that on. And maybe leave out the first part of that explanation. What are you doing?

Rodgers: Don’t mind me, I just wanted to shoot off a quick text about the good news.

Lawwell: To your fiancé?

Rodgers: No. Jurgen Klopp. I had him over to my house, you know. Taught him everything he knows.

Lawwell: Maybe you can do that in a minute. We just have a few more documents to sign…

Rodgers: This will only take a second, Peter. “Dear Jurgen — see you in the Champions League next season…”

Lawwell: You don’t have to narrate what you’re typing…

Rodgers: “Oh sorry, I forgot you won’t be there. The Europa League maybe? Oh no, my apologies again. By the way, I’ll give you £50 million for Joe Allen.”

Lawwell: Brendan! We will not be offering Liverpool £50 million for Joe Allen!

Rodgers: It’s just an opening bid, Peter. Don’t worry. I paid £32 million for Christian Benteke. I know what I’m doing. Ah, he’s replied already. “Who is this?” Hahaha! That Jurgen. We like to joke.

Lawwell: Alright, let’s get back to the business at hand, shall we?

Rodgers: Yes. I’m just going to step out and call Joe Allen — tell him to pack his bags. Let me know when the camera crew gets here.