Jose Mourinho has left his house. He could be going to sign his Manchester United contract. Or to buy a gift for Louis van Gaal, his dear friend whose job he specifically campaigned for over the last six consecutive months. Is he thinking about which players he will sign? He’s probably contemplating which players he’ll sell. Or maybe he’s thinking about the players he will buy and then sell!
Whatever it is, he has surely left his house for reasons that are pertinent to football, thus justifying the presence of all the cameramen around him and the writing of this article you are currently reading and will hopefully share on several social media platforms as soon you reach the end. Which is actually the beginning of another article about the same subject that will be indistinguishable from this one.
Look! Jose Mourinho has left his house again! And he has papers! Is that his Manchester United contract? It could be a contract for Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Or a juicy list of insults about Pep Guardiola, his old El Clasico rival who he will soon face in the Manchester derbies once he signs this contract we’ve been anticipating for the last half year. Whatever it is, it’s definitely something and warrants several more articles full of baseless speculation to help pass the time until something actually happens.
Oh shit. Here’s another instance of Jose Mourinho leaving his house. The first step to reaching Old Trafford is leaving his house, you know. I wonder if Man United CEO Ed Woodward bought him that shirt he’s wearing. It’s possible. You can’t say that it’s not possible! Either way, that’s the face of a man thinking about what tactics he will employ once he is manager of Manchester United, a thing that is still not official, but definitely will be eventually and maybe if we just keep finding ways to continue covering it, it will happen sooner and oh god I can’t stop typing and will Jose Mourinho succeed at Manchester United? Some people think he won’t, but others think he will and if he just leaves his house one more time I will become one with the universe and know the true meaning of life. Do I have children? What time is it?
back when Alan Greenspan was the all-knowing Yoda of the U.S. economy, there were cartoons of reporters following him around the supermarket, calling in changes in Tomato Futures because he bought ketchup. This is almost as silly. Although not as silly as the rumor last month that Mourinho was going to be managing the Nigerian national team.
Nah, they called for a recession because he ate off McDonalds value menue!
It is a bit daft that media can report on a man leaving his house, but when it affects so many people in the world, you can kind of see why media do it.