As he prepares for Portugal’s Euro 2016 semifinal, Cristiano Ronaldo has been successfully pestered into commenting on Lionel Messi’s recent international retirement. The following is what he actually said, along with the bits that he didn’t say, but totally wanted to.

“[Messi’s] taken a tough decision and people must understand it.”

“It would also be great if they encouraged him to retire from club football, as well. You know, because playing any sort of football might remind him of playing for Argentina and make him feel bad. And no one wants that.”

“He isn’t used to defeats or disappointments; not even finishing second.”

“Maybe if he finished second with Barcelona a little more often, doing so three times in a row with Argentina wouldn’t have been so devastating for him. Basically, everyone in Argentina should blame Barcelona for this. It’s all their fault.”

“Missing a penalty doesn’t make you a bad player.”

“But if you do it in the shootout of a major tournament final, you should be forced to hand over all your Ballon d’Or awards to the runner-up the years you won. And that happens to be me. I’ll even pay the postage because I feel so bad for him.”

“It’s not nice seeing Messi in tears and I hope he returns to the national side.”

“…just so my boy Higuain can stomp on his dreams a fourth time. Hahahahahahaha this is better than Christmas!”