Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has expressed genuine shock that other clubs are not calling him to offer their best players for free.

With the exception of £30 million signing Granit Xhaka, Arsenal have had yet another quiet transfer window, drawing criticism from fans who feel the club need more reinforcements to keep pace with their big spending rivals. While Wenger has repeatedly expressed a desire to improve his squad, he says other clubs simply have not been willing to do business.

“I wait by the phone every day and there is nothing,” Wenger told reporters. “How am I supposed to know what players other clubs want to give us if they do not call me and say ‘Arsene, this player is too good for us — please take him for free’? Am I expected to call them and say ‘I want this player and I will give you so many millions to convince you to let us have him’? No. That would be undignified.”

When asked about Manchester United paying a world record fee for Paul Pogba, Wenger said: “Pogba is an excellent player. I almost signed him many years ago. If Juventus had called me first, I would have taken him. And I would have paid for half of his travel expenses.”

Wenger then concluded by announcing that Arsenal will be charging journalists £60 per seat in their press room this season in order to fund research into a squad of robot footballers who legally do not need to be paid.