Jose Mourinho has reportedly met with Mario Balotelli in order to help the 26-year-old striker find a new club (that isn’t Man United). Mourinho coached the unwanted Liverpool playing during his initial rise at Inter and though the two butted heads during their time together, an affinity for each other has endured. The following is a transcript of their conversation. 

Mourinho: Mario, what’s wrong?

Balotelli: All of these players are finding clubs that want them, but not me. Why never me?

Mourinho: Mario, Mario. It’s very simple. You don’t score goals anymore, so they don’t want you. Start scoring goals again and every club will want you again.

Balotelli: I’m trying. Can’t they see? Just like I’m trying to be more disciplined. I’ve only been sent off once in the last four years! And I try to live a quiet life now so the newspapers can’t make up stories about me. This is what they wanted me to do, but still they treat me like a curse.

Mourinho: No one cares about discipline and newspaper stories, Mario. They say they do, but they don’t. All they care about are goals and success. If you are successful, you can say and do anything. You can call Arsene Wenger a fartface every day of your life and deliberately poke people in their eyeballs and still end up with Manchester United — or get Liverpool to pay £16 million for you — but if you are unsuccessful, it doesn’t matter how polite you are. No one will want you.

Balotelli: But everyone said I had to change!

Mourinho: They say that, but they don’t really mean it. It’s all part of the game. You do something controversial, everyone says it is bad to get attention for themselves and feel important, but deep down they love it and want you to continue even if they tell you that you must stop. If there is no controversy, there is nothing for them to talk about.

Balotelli: So what do I do?

Mourinho: Whatever will help you score goals. Be yourself! The only sin there is for a striker is not scoring goals, Mario. When you were in the papers and making people angry, you were scoring goals and winning titles. Now people do not notice you and you can’t find a club. So if parking your Ferrari inside a McDonald’s, buying trampolines for every child in Liverpool or, say, prank calling Arsene Wenger whenever I do not have the time to do it myself makes you happy and helps you score goals, then do it. Do it, do it, do it. Don’t let other people tell you how to live your life. Do what you need to do to be happy and productive.

Balotelli: Thanks, Jose. I needed to hear that.

Mourinho: You’re welcome, Mario. I am always here for you.

Balotelli: Jose…do you think I could come play for you at Man United?

Mourinho: I’m sorry, Mario, I couldn’t hear you. I think there’s something wrong with the phone.

Balotelli: But we’re not talking on the phone, we’re in the same room.

Mourinho: There’s definitely something wrong with the phone, Mario. I have to go get it fixed. I have to do it right now. Good luck with your search for a club, Mario. I’ll put in a good word for you with Wenger.