Evidence that you need to watch much more or far less Scottish football

You’re a linesman working a match between Dundee and Kilmarnock in the Scottish Premier League. You’ve been running up and down the pitch all day. Suddenly, as Kilmarnock prepared to take a corner kick, you feel a worrying rumble in your belly. Whether it was too much exposure to the sun and Scottish football or too much boozing the previous night, something’s gone rotten and you know it’s going to get much worse before it gets better.

Seeing your clear distress, the Kilmarnock player about to take the corner kick puts a hand on your shoulder and tells the referee something is wrong. That’s when a wave of puke rises up through your system like a rancid tidal wave and escapes onto the grass. The crowd cheers. The ref shows you a red card. The crowd cheers again. You turn around and puke again.

Leo Messi has puked on the pitch many times, but he’s never been shown a red card for it. This decision will likely be overturned on appeal, assuming the linesman doesn’t puke during his hearing, too.

Scottish football, pukey hell!