Germany win FIFA’s Golden Dildo

by Brooks Peck

Germany beat Chile 1-0 to win the Confederations Cup for the first time

(DFB/Twitter)

Germany beat Chile and overcame VAR to win FIFA’s most phallic trophy on offer this year, and continue their domination of international football. And they did it with what was essentially a youth team.

Germany manager Jogi Löw left many of his more established stars at home in order to give the country’s next generation a bit of experience ahead of next year’s World Cup. As a result, the youngest squad in the competition faced the oldest (Chile) in the final and handled themselves exceptionally well—even in the face of the latest Video Assistant Referee goof-up, which saw Chilean rectal examiner Gonzalo Jara receive a yellow card after review when he should have been sent off in the 65th minute.

Germany captain Julian Draxler (23 years old), who moved from Wolfsburg to PSG last season, was awarded the Golden Ball as the tournament’s best player, RB Leipzig’s Timo Werner (21 years old) was awarded the Golden Boot—even though teammates Leon Goretzka (22 years old) and Lars Stindl (an elderly 28 years old) matched his three goals—and Chile’s Claudio Bravo won the Golden Glove just to melt Man City fans’ brains.

So what did we learn from the Confederations Cup? Even if all the players who won the World Cup with Germany in 2014 who are still with the team get hurt, they still have an absurdly high chance of repeating as champions.

Anyway, here’s Löw creepily holding the Confederations Cup trophy and looking like he’s seconds away from sniffing it repeatedly.