A transcript of the attempt to smooth over the cracks in PSG’s squad

Following the public spat between Neymar and Edinson Cavani over who would take set pieces in PSG’s 2-0 win over Lyon, the man who quite literally got in the middle of the dispute, Dani Alves, decided to take the duo to dinner in an effort to clear the air. Perhaps Alves felt it was his duty after quite literally getting in the middle of the dispute by handing the ball to Neymar in the moment, but the gesture was praised by manager Unai “I’m Staying Out of This” Emery. The following is a transcript of the conversation over that dinner. 

Alves: Thank you both for joining me. I thought if we got together for a nice dinner we could sort things out before this matter becomes more serious.

Cavani: Nice dinner? We’re at a Burger King.

Alves: Well, I’m new here! I don’t know all the fancy Paris hotspots yet, Edinson.

Neymar: Ok ok, stop. Edmonton, I want to say that I’m sorry about what happened. I came here to get out of Messi’s shadow and when you stepped up to take the penalty, the way the lights were I saw some of your shadow cover my leg and I freaked out and that’s why I reacted the way I did. I’m just really paranoid about shadows right now. I’m sorry.

Cavani: I’m sorry too, Neymar. I could have handled the situation better. When I first got here, I was in Zlatan’s shadow and I had to change positions, so when you came I was afraid of getting pushed aside again. But I’m glad we could have this talk and reach an understanding. I feel a lot better.

Alves: Good. So we’re all happy now. Let’s eat.

Cavani: Where’d my burger go?

[Alves and Neymar shrug]

Cavani: Dani, I saw you give it to Neymar. You took my burger!

Alves: No I didn’t.

Neymar: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Edvincent.

Cavani: You’re eating it right now! That’s my burger in your mouth! I can see it!

Alves: Whoa whoa whoa. What makes you think that was your burger? When Neymar arrived it was understood that all the burgers would be his burgers. He’s Neymar. He deserves them.

Cavani: No. I was never told that. Last season, if there was a burger in front of me, I would eat it. And I did a really good job of eating them!

Alves: Relax. You still have plenty of food on your tray. Neymar likes burgers, so he gets the burgers. Anyway, you should really just be happy that he’s sitting at your table in the first place. This is a great honor for you.

Cavani: Where did my onion rings go?!

Neymar: I like to have onion rings with my burgers.

Alves: Yeah, you can’t expect him to just eat burgers, Edinson. He needs onion rings, too. This is Neymar!

Cavani: No. This isn’t right. I’m calling Unai.

Alves: Put your phone away. He’s right here.

Cavani: What?! Boss, why are you letting Neymar sit on you like a chair? Tell him he can’t do this!

Emery: Please just pretend I’m not here. I don’t want to get sacked and I think if I just keep my mouth shut and let Neymar use me as a human chair, I can make it to the end of the season.

Cavani: This is insane! I’m going home.

Neymar: You can’t, Edwington. I live there now. Everything in Paris is mine. I drive all the taxis. I lead all the tours of the Louvre. I’m treating all of the waste water. I’m doing everything myself. There will be no shadows anywhere, except for mine.

Emery: I hate shadows, too. You’re so smart, Neymar.

Alves: Yeah. Here, Neymar, take his shirt, too.

Cavani: Fine. Take it all! And yes, you’ll probably get the club to sell me in January, but one day you’ll learn that football is a team game and you need more than just one great player to be the best. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. Being the best and winning. Not shadows, not penalties. Just succeeding as a team and lifting trophies. And make an incredible amount of money along the way.

Neymar: Edlingmon said penalties don’t matter—that means I can take them. You all heard it. I have witnesses.

Emery: I’m just a chair, but I heard it!

Alves: Me too!

Cavani: I hate all of you.

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