Old Bert’s ears are bleeding and this time it’s nothing to do with Big Sam convincing me to get a bulldog tattooed directly onto my skull. The World Cup is about to begin and that means every numpty on the planet has to release a song about it. They all make Harry Redknapp sound like Tom Jones, but two of these abominations of music are so bad that they already ruined the whole sodding tournament.

First there’s Real Madrid mixed martial artist Serbian Ramos wearing a shirt that says “Noble Donkey” while sounding like a noble arse after a dodgy paella.

He should stick to breaking people’s shoulders in cup finals and leave the singing to that ginger kid who looks like he’s homeless. At least we know Ramos hasn’t been spending any time with Gerald Pique’s missus.

Next there’s the singer out of Kaiser Chiefs and a muscular potato that used to play cricket ruining a disco classic by making it about Garry Kane.

After hearing this I hope Kane scores seven own goals in the group stage and catches a radioactive cockroach from Chernobyl in his uncloseable mouth. And I say that as someone with one cap for the England B team in 1984 resulting from a clerical error. I am England ’til I die. (Or until they correct that clerical error.)

There is no possible way the 2018 World Cup can recover from these audio horrors. The best thing to do now is call off the tournament and drink Russian vodka until we all vomit into a fish tank and cut off our ears like that one artist fella from 100 years ago.