The World Cup has supposedly begun and it turns out those shite songs were a good indication of what we’re in for. They had an opening ceremony that was worse than a school pageant involving one of my 18-kids and then FIFA let Russia execute a bunch of Saudis for Vladimir Putin’s enjoyment.

There were only a few memorable moments from this mess. Here they are:

Morrissey giving the whole world the finger

Dressing like a Russian mob boss was a nice touch. One time I wore a leopard suit on a night out with Alex Ferguson. He said he didn’t want to be seen with me dressed like that, so he made me go home and eat an entire jar of horseradish. He didn’t make me eat the horseradish, I just did that because I’m always up for a challenge. Even when no one challenges me. Mark of a winner.

Infantino and Putin being like “Russia sent the most prozzies to FIFA eight years ago so they get to host the tournament and do whatever they want—oh well”

When Russia scored the first of their eight million goals against the blades of grass Saudi Arabia calls a football team, Infantino and Putin both shrugged in unison at the Prince of Arabia. Two bald chancers who know that the prince knows they’re up to no good and simply don’t give a shit. FIFA and Russia. They go together like alcohol and more alcohol.

Putin and the Prince deciding to wank Infantino at the same time

The World Cup is decadent and depraved and to prove it, Putin and the prince decided to put aside their differences and literally wank Infantino in front of a whole stadium full of people. Look at the expression on old Johnny Fants. He’s absolutely loving it. He’s the rancid mayonnaise in a despot sandwich. One day when he’s in exile like that pruney fartbox Sepp Blatter, he’ll think back on this moment and cry…alone…in a Swiss chalet…while Blatter eats the last sausage roll.

And that was it. That was all the highlights of the first day of the fucking World Cup. Just a washed up singer giving a camera the bird and three tyrants stroking each other off both literally and figuratively. What a disgrace.