Before this World Cup, people wouldn’t shut up about how this England team were built upon Bauricio Pochettino’s work at Spurs. Six players in the squad who have played for Pochettino had them thinking he was the architect of any success England would have in Russia. And it turns out, they were right—the Three Lions got off to a blinding start only to bottle it at the end just like Spurs. Well done, Pochettino. You made England just as shit when it matters most as your own team.

Big Sam and Gareth Southgate tried all they could to instill a winning mentality into this squad, but Pochettino and Jurgen Klopp’s years of daily influence over the players was too much to overcome. Just look at Garry Kane. Won the golden boot with three penalties, an unintentional deflection off his heel and a pair of goals against Tunisia. Didn’t score in the semifinal or the third-place match. Congratulations on getting an award for beating up on the minnows before disappearing, Garry. You worthless minger.

It’s no coincidence that two of the only players who did themselves proud in the later stages of the tournament were Gordan Pickford, who worked under Sam Allardyce at two different clubs, and Barry Maguire, who is Sam’s secret lovechild. If England brought more players from Everton, Sunderland, Crystal Palace, and Sam’s loins, football would’ve come home. Instead, it’s gone to France, where it will probably contract a sex disease after having a threesome with a mime and…another mime.

This is entirely your fault, Pochettino. Even the one player you did have on the winning side had an absolute howler that nearly let Croatia back into it.

Not even Sep Guardiola could overcome the poisonous influence of Pochettino and Klopp. Spain used a load of his Barca players when they won in 2010, Germany used a load of his Bayern players when they won in 2014, but when England use his players in 2018, they end up losing the same number of matches as PANAMA—the worst team in the competition. The Pochettino and Klopp lads ruin it.

If England do continue to use players sullied by these two in the future, they better develop an advanced brainwashing technique in order to reprogramme their mental faculties. It worked for the shootout hoodoo, so it should work for this, as well. I’m not entirely sure how they go about this—I once tried to brainwash my 18 kids into being better footballers but now seven of them are bankers and two teach reading to kids. Worthless.