[YOUR NAME AND TITLE HERE] STATEMENT ON [SOMETHING MESSED UP THAT USSF DID RE: THE USWNT]

When I saw the media reports of [something that the United States Soccer Federation did that I, a board member and very important person within the United States Soccer Federation assuredly already knew about], I was shocked, appalled, angry, and [some other word that basically means the same thing]. I have made these feelings clear to [the person allegedly higher up than me on the USSF food chain, who will hopefully be taking the fall for this] in no uncertain terms, and expressed that we must reverse this [course of action, which, again, I already knew about].

These actions do not reflect my personal views, nor the views that we should espouse as the leaders of soccer in the United States. On a personal level, as a father of daughters [or child of a mother/person who once saw a woman in a movie/whatever], I find these [actions which I supported when we began pursuing them, because I am on the board, and everything gets run by us] to be demeaning and despicable. I want my daughters [or daughters I could theoretically have on a separate plane of existence in the multiverse] to grow up believing they can do anything in the world, that they are every bit as talented and special as any man [a belief I would never have held if I had not had a daughter, or need for something resembling decent PR]. Those are values that everyone in [USSF, MLS, SUM, some other acronym that really rolls right off the tongue] should hold. The USWNT are world champions, and deserve nothing but our utmost respect [and only our respect, because if you think we’re going to willingly pay them more, you’re out of your goddamn mind].

I plan to immediately [a word that implies serious action, but can’t be verified] the [person who better be taking the fall] about this issue, and hope to find a swift resolution with our women’s soccer team [of whom I can name roughly seven].