Author: Brooks Peck

Christian Pulisic proves he’s just not very good in 2–0 win over Trinidad and Tobago

The 18-year-old “wunderkid” continues to hurt the U.S. national team

After saving face for the U.S. with a second-half equalizer in a friendly against Venezuela last week, Christian Pulisic again did all the scoring in a 2–0 World Cup qualifier win over Trinidad and Tobago. Though his performances have drawn even more sycophantic praise for the 18 year old, a closer look reveals how underserving he is of the lofty praise being heaped upon him.

Here are just a few of the reasons why Pulisic needs to be left off the team going forward:

What happens if he gets hurt? They’re screwed, that’s what. They’re entirely dependent on Pulisic and he’s only 18. If this continues, he’s going to get used to doing it all himself and that’ll breed resentment in his teammates, especially if a player who is truly talented comes along. Also, why does he only set up goals for Clint Dempsey? Is there some kind of quid pro quo going on here? Did Dempsey agree to buy beer for the underage star and his friends whenever he sets him up for a goal? This needs to be investigated.

        • He doesn’t make his teammates better. The greatest players in any team sport elevate their teammates to a higher level just by playing with them. Pulisic doesn’t do this. If anything, he serves as a talent vacuum on the pitch, sucking up every ounce of skill from those around him. Just look at what he did to Alejandro Bedoya:

        • Pele won his first World Cup at 17 years old. Pulisic won’t even PLAY in his first World Cup until he’s 19 years old. This fact speaks for itself. Damning.
        • He makes EVERYONE look bad. What did he do after scoring two goals in a World Cup qualifier? He went and hugged his mom in the stands, reminding every other parent in America that their kid isn’t making money in Europe as a professional athlete (instead of creating mountains of debt by going to college) and demonstrating their gratitude and affection on national television after scoring two goals in a World Cup qualifier. He doesn’t just make his teammates look bad, he makes everyone look bad.

      • He’s probably Big Chocolate’s diabolical attempt to get kids to eat more candy. Pulisic is from Hershey, PA, which was founded along with the candy company of the same name by Milton Hershey in the early 1900s. Having a prominent athlete come from a town inextricably linked to chocolate gives impressionable children and misguided parents the idea that eating as many Hershey products as possible will bring similar athletic success to what Pulisic is achieving. In other words, promoting Christian Pulisic is akin to promoting childhood obesity. Inexcusable.
      • He still hasn’t accepted my Facebook friend request. Who does he think he is?! With an ego that’s already this out of control, he’s going to sabotage his career sooner than later.

There are many more reasons why Pulisic is a complete and total fraud, but it simply isn’t worth wasting anymore words on him. Now, since he is still so young, he could use these criticisms to drive him forward on a path of legitimate success (starting by accepting my friend request), instead of succumbing to the otherwise universal fawning praise being laid at his feet and flaming out like so many promising young footballers before him, but that’s entirely up to him. I have now done my part.

DT Exclusive: Jurgen Klopp’s secret messages to Virgil van Dijk

The texts that prompted an investigation into Liverpool’s conduct

Liverpool have been forced to apologize and end their pursuit of top transfer target Virgil van Dijk after Southampton filed a complaint accusing them of tapping up their captain. According to the Telegraph, Van Dijk was flown to Blackpool for a meeting with Klopp, who later sent “regular messages” to the player. The following is a transcript of some of those messages.

Klopp (2:47 am): Virgil…u up?
Klopp (3:35 am): U up Virgil??
Klopp (4:19 am): Guess not 🙁
Van Dijk (7:32 am): Sorry i was sleepin lol.
Klopp (7:33 am): LOL! Just wanted to say goodnight but now i’ll say good morning :p
Van Dijk (7:48 am): Good morning!
Klopp (7:49 am): It is now 🙂

Klopp (6:51 pm): Virgil, what’s ur snapchat?
Klopp (6:52 pm): U have to see this photo of me with the rabbit ears filter!
Klopp (6:53 pm): U have to see it.
Klopp (6:54 pm): Virgil…
Klopp (6:55 pm): Tell me where u are and I’ll just come show u in person.
Klopp: (6:56 pm): Virgil…

Klopp (10:07 am): Have u ever seen the film The Cable Guy???
Van Dijk (10:33 am): Don’t think so.
Klopp (10:34 am): Oh man! It’s so good! Jim Carrey and Ferris Bueller play best friends who would do anything for each other. It reminds me of u and me 😀
Van Dijk (11:10 am): Cool
Klopp (11:11 am): It’s very cool! I have the DVD. I would be happy to lend it to u so u can watch it. But I only lend DVDs to my players 😉
Van Dijk (11:58 am): Ok.
Klopp (11:59 am): 😉

Klopp (1:44 am): Virgil, I really want to see u again. When can we meet?
Van Dijk (8:39 am): Jurgen, this is Southampton chairman Ralph Krueger. Your contact with Virgil has been wholly inappropriate. We’re reporting you to the league.
Klopp (8:42 am): 🙁

Klopp (3:08 am): Virgil, u up?
Klopp (3:12 am): I’m watching The Cable Guy. Made me think of u…
Klopp (3:17 am): Miss u
Klopp (4:45 am): Whatever. I don’t need u. Dejan Lovren is soooo much better than u!
Klopp (4:55 am): Virgil I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. I know u can’t come to Liverpool now but maybe I’ll come to Southampton! I’ll talk to my agent! Are there any houses in your neighborhood for sale? Let me know!

Player washes his mouth out with beer thrown on the pitch during Bulgarian playoff final

Why bother with water when there’s beer right there?

In the playoff final to decide which club would go on to the Europa League next season, tensions were high as Levski Sofia hosted Vereya. So high that fans threw cans of beer onto the pitch during the first half. Not one to let beer go to waste, Vereya defender Ivan Bandalovski picked up one of the cans and poured its contents into his mouth, then spit it out.

Later, with Levski up 1–0 in the final moments of added time, Bandalovski scored the equalizer that sent the match to extra time. Because when beer hits your lips, you develop superior abilities. This is science.

Levski went on to win in a penalty shootout, beating Vereya 9–8 after missing two of their first four shots (Bandalovski make his, naturally).

Anyway, Levski fans should be banned for wasting beer. Unforgivable.

Antoine Griezmann plainly avoids congratulating Champions League winner Raphael Varane with rest of…

Club rivalries hilariously bleed into national team activities

It’s often asserted that when national teams convene, club rivalries are put aside. Antoine Griezmann isn’t having that, though.

When Raphael Varane joined France’s training camp late after winning the Champions League with Real Madrid, his teammates and coaches warmly greeted him, offering their congratulations on his accomplishment. As this was happening, Griezmann—who recently reaffirmed his commitment to Atletico Madrid, Real’s local rival and the club they eliminated in the Champions League semifinals—pointedly slipped right by him without a word.

Later, at a team meal, France manager Didier Deschamps called out Varane and led a round of applause for him, but Griezmann was the only one who didn’t clap. Instead, he appeared to say something to Varane, presumably something to the effect of “Cristiano Ronaldo’s new haircut looks super dumb.”

I’m not sure what the players ended up eating at this meal, but Griezmann dumped a whole lot of salt on whatever it was.

Some might call this behavior petty or unsportsmanlike, but I’m sure Varane wasn’t bothered by it, so no one else should be either. It’s ultimately just kind of funny that Griezmann would express his simmering bitterness this way.

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If it continued… (Juventus v Real Madrid)

What would’ve happened if the Champions League final didn’t stop when it did

(Real Madrid/Twitter)

Real Madrid became the first club to win 12 European Cups and win the Champions League in consecutive seasons, and they did it in convincing fashion, beating Juventus 4–1. The Italian side got off to a solid start and even produced a spectacular equalizer from Mario Mandzukic after Cristiano Ronaldo scored the first of his two goals. But shortly after the hour mark, Real Madrid scored twice in a span of three minutes. Then, in the 83rd minute, Juan Cuadrado became the first substitute to be sent off in a Champions League final before Real Madrid scored one final goal for good measure.

Though the second half was anti-climactic, we still have to ask “What if it continued?”

97’—Cristiano Ronaldo gets into an argument with Real Madrid’s two-goal hero Dee Flection, whom Ronaldo feels is overshadowing him. Flection threatens to go to Barcelona next season and take his close friend Off Sidé will him.

101’—Zlatan Ibrahimovic appears out of nowhere to score a scorpion kick goal from the halfway line just to show Mario Mandzukic who the king of wonder goals really is. The match officials decide the goal is too good to disallow, so they count it for both sides. Juventus 2–5 Real Madrid.

103’—Gonzalo Higuain continues to do nothing.

104’—Luka Modric continues to do everything.

105’—The familiar feeling that he will never win the Champions League overcomes Gigi Buffon, but then he remembers that he’s won eight Serie A titles (10 if you count the two that were revoked), four Coppa Italia titles, one UEFA Cup, and one WORLD FREAKING CUP. He also remembers that he could play for another 25 years if he wants, and saving a penalty from Cristiano Ronaldo’s son in the 2033 Champions League final will be sweet revenge. Sweet revenge, indeed.

108'—Keylor Navas checks over his shoulder for his own personal boogeyman: David De Gea. He is convinced that if he looks in a mirror and says De Gea’s name five times, the Spaniard will take his job. He is also convinced that if he doesn’t look in a mirror and say De Gea’s name five times, the Spaniard will take his job.

111' — During a brief stoppage in play, Zidane wins the World Series, Dakar Rally, and the WWE Intercontinental Championship belt.

113'—Alvaro Morata checks to make sure no one can see that he’s wearing his Juventus kit underneath his Real Madrid one just incase his former club win the match.

116'—Gonzalo Higuain continues to do nothing.

117'—Luka Modric continues to do everything.

120'—Somehow still on the pitch after getting booked in the first half, Sergio Ramos gets Leonardo Bonucci sent off by punching himself in the head and claiming that Bonucci used telepathic powers to make him do it.

121'—Leonardo Bonucci’s Torino supporting son laughs maniacally.

124'—Sergio Ramos scores by heading in a corner kick just to stay on brand. He then celebrates by putting on an “SR4” crown that he made himself after a particularly inspiring trip to Burger King. Juventus 2–6 Real Madrid.

131'—Realizing that he should do something for the club that spent €90 million on him last summer, Higuain eats Luka Modric whole. Modric lives comfortably inside of Higuain for the duration of the offseason.

133'—Zidane wins the World Chess Championship, the Academy Award for Best Picture, and the Iowa State Fair pie eating contest.

134'—Gareth Bale injures himself adjusting his hair.

136'—Jose Mourinho begins to write a preliminary list of insults for Zidane and Cristiano Ronaldo in preparation for the UEFA Super Cup match between Man United and Real Madrid. He decides that say he would rather win the Europa League once than win the Champions League twice in a row would sufficiently melt their brains enough so Man United can win.

140'—The match is abandoned when opening ceremony performers the Black Eyed Peas reappear, this time with a midriff-bearing Sir Alex Ferguson replacing former member Stacy Ferguson on the song “My Humps,” driving everyone out of the stadium.

Michael Carrick gets his name misspelled, nutmegged by his son at his own testimonial

When a tribute turns into a roast

(Alex Porter/Twitter)

After 11 years with Manchester United, Michael Carrick was given a testimonial on Sunday that reunited him with many of his teammates from the 2008 Champions League winning side. Just because he was the man of the day doesn’t mean Carrick was treated all that special, though. First off, his last name was spelled “Carrtick” on the teamsheet, even though it was spelled correctly at the top of the page and for his brother Graeme, who was listed among the substitutes. (As Jack Grimse points out, Clarence Seedorf’s name was also misspelled.)

And as if that wasn’t bad enough, Carrick’s own son, seven-year-old Jacey, nutmegged his old man before the match began. Ice. Cold.

Things would get better for the elder Carrick, though. He went on to score the final goal in a 2–2 draw. Presumably to make up for the previous indignities.

The inevitabilities that led to Real Madrid winning the Champions League (again)

Sometimes life is intensely predictable. This was one of those times.

Real Madrid/Twitter

For the first time ever, the Champions League has been won by the same team two seasons in a row and, of course, it was Real Madrid that did it. What looked to be an evenly matched final at the start turned into a merciless drubbing as Real beat Juventus 4–1, topping Barcelona’s 3–1 win over Juve in the 2015 final in the process. Now, Real Madrid have won the competition 12 times, including three in the last four years.

This seemingly inevitable result was made possible by a bunch of smaller inevitabilities coming true throughout the match. It started with Cristiano Ronaldo scoring the match’s first goal, giving him yet another Champions League record by becoming the first player to score in three different finals. But taking a step back, the mere fact that Real Madrid scored in the match was an inevitability, even against the likes of Gigi Buffon and Juve’s stellar defenders. Real scored in every single match this season. Every single one! That’s an incredible feat that will likely get lost in everything else Los Blancos accomplished this season.

Mario Mandzukic’s equalizer was anything but inevitable, but it still might be used to justify Real Madrid’s bid for David De Gea before the match (De Gea is three inches taller than Keylor Navas and probably would’ve pushed the shot over the crossbar, as a result).

Inevitable: Cristiano Ronaldo immediately trying to top Mandzukic after having his thunder stolen.

However, he did go on to score a second goal in the second half to finish off the match and put him ahead of Leo Messi as the Champions League’s top scorer for the fifth year in a row.

Inevitable: Sergio Ramos getting booked in the 31st minute for a dumb foul. Shyamalan Twist: Sergio Ramos getting someone who is not Sergio Ramos (Juan Cuadrado) sent off in the 84th minute. It turns out you can teach old Ramoses new tricks. And what he did to get Cuadrado sent off certainly was a trick.

Inevitable: The Gonzalo Higuain Cup Final Curse continues, as the striker Juve paid €90 million for last summer once again came up small on the biggest stage. You know Messi was watching this match somewhere, staring at Higuain with a white-knuckled fist and muttering “You better not score, you better not score, you better not score” the whole time. At this point, starting Higuain in a cup final should be considered match fixing.

Inevitable: Gianluigi Buffon failing to win the Champions League. It’s the one trophy that has eluded him over his long and storied career. This might have been his last chance to claim it, but that was said back in 2015, too.

Inevitable: Zidane continuing his managerial dominance. In just 18 months as manager of Real Madrid, he’s won two Champions League titles, La Liga, and the Club World Cup. And to think that before he was given the job, Rafa Benitez as in charge of this team as they were getting disqualified from the Copa del Rey for fielding ineligible players. UEFA needs to investigate Zidane for illegal use of wizardry.

And finally, the greatest inevitability of all, Cristiano Ronaldo’s victory cry:

When Real Madrid ask a question of the universe, the answer is always “SIIIIIIIIIIII!”

There’s going to be a Leo Messi amusement park in China

Like Disney World and LegoLand, but with more tattoos

Leo Messi will become the first footballer with his own amusement park when the Messi Experience Project opens in Nanjing, China. But instead of keeping it to himself like Cartman in that one episode of South Park, he will generously let other people enjoy it, too.

The press release explains:

The MEP project, which is based around an original concept, features the most cutting-edge technology enabling visitors to immerse themselves in all Messi-related activities by combining the latest-generation attractions with areas to play soccer like the pro himself. This is all possible thanks to the very best advances in content and multimedia attractions, all of which come together forming a great natural environment to enjoy the sport.

The MEP will boast over 20 attractions across its 46,000m of indoor facilities, alongside 12.000m2 garden game areas and 25,000m of public space. This project represents a unique global experience, with Messi himself involved via Leo Messi Management, Phoenix Group and Mediapro Group. The complex is set to launch in early 2019.

Specifics on those attractions won’t be made available for a few more weeks, leaving us to guess what they will be.

  • More Than a Rollercoaster (It’s just a rollercoaster, but its operators claim there’s much more to it before you get on.)
  • It’s a Small BarcaWorld (A leisurely boat ride past animatronic versions of Messi and and his many tiny teammates reenacting some of their greatest successes together.)
  • Taxes: The Ride (Fill out all the Spanish tax forms the Messi family tried to ignore for years while locked in a nondescript office for several hours. Don’t mess up, or you’ll have to serve Messi’s prison sentence for him!)
  • Maradona’s Merry-Go-Round (Maradona alternates between praising and berating you as you go ‘round and ‘round!)
  • Mr. Xavi’s Wacky Pitch Game (Make sure the grass is the perfect length and dampness or Mr. Xavi will lecture you on how you are literally killing football!)
  • Punch Gonzalo Higuain in the Face (Test your strength and release your pent up aggression on a Higuain lookalike who has helped Argentina win the same number of trophies as the real Higuain!)
  • Luis Suarez Food Court (Sink your teeth into some delicious treats that may or may not be made from human flesh!)
  • Carlos Tevez’s Tower of Terror (Climb the windy staircase all the way to the top of the tower, where you’ll find Carlos Tevez sitting quietly, then you walk all the way back down!)
  • Arda Turan’s 3D Shoe Dodging Experience (Put on your 3D glasses, sit back, relax, and watch as Arda Turan throws shoes at you for three hours straight!)
  • The Hall of Ambiguous Pique Tweets (Navigate a corridor of mysterious emojis and punctuation from the Real Madrid obsessed mind of Gerard Pique!)
  • Dye Your Own Hair Pavilion (Make regrettable hairstyle choices that you’ll remember forever!)

With this announcement, it’s only a matter of time before Cristiano Ronaldo hastily opens an amusement park of his own on the island of Madeira to go with his airport, hotel, museum, and various statues.

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Sergio Ramos’ 2017 Champions League final preview

Real Madrid v Juventus, according to The Ramos

Ahoy-hoy! The Champions League final is always a special occasion and this year is no different. After all, it’s in Wales, the English city where Gareth Bale was born, and the Black Eyed Peas are performing during the opening ceremony, so you know it’s a truly important occasion.

We will face a worthy opponent in Juventus as we pursue a 12th European Cup and anything can happen. Will I score a late winner or will I get sent off or will I do both? Even I don’t know! But here are some things that I do know…

Who will be there

Gianluigi Buffon: Juve’s goalkeeper is a true legend and if it comes down to penalties, I definitely won’t attempt a Panenka. Instead, I will trick him by kicking the ball into outer space. He’ll never see it coming!

Dani Alves: When Dani played for Barcelona, we didn’t get along too well. But now that he left AND knocked them out of the Champions League, I consider him my best friend.

Gonzalo Higuain: I heard he has put on some weight since he left Real Madrid, but I had no idea it was this drastic. Poor Gonzalo.

Juventus/Twitter

Me: Haha I wouldn’t miss a Black Eyed Peas performance for anything! “Boom Boom Pow” is a true masterpiece.

Cristiano Ronaldo: If Cristiano gets injured the match, he’s going to sit on Zidane’s shoulders and form MegaRon-Z, the greatest coaching force the world has ever seen.

Keylor Navas: Real Madrid’s pursuit of David De Gea just before the biggest match of our season will mentally unsettle Keylor just enough to ensure true excitement! And if that doesn’t do it, Alvaro Morata’s airport tackles definitely will.

Who won’t be there

I invited Gerard Pique to the match, but he hasn’t answered because he’s too busy taking classes at Harvard to relearn how to win La Liga to attend.

The teams

Real Madrid: We won the Champions League last season (and 10 times before that) and La Liga this season, plus we scored in every single match. Cristiano told me to mention his name at least three times in this preview, so I will also say this: Cristiano Ronaldo.

Juventus: They have been champions of Italy roughly 378 times in a row, but they haven’t won the Champions League since 1996, when I was 10 years old! I’m 31 now, because my birthday was on March 30. Happy birthday to me! I’ll take another Champions League trophy as my present, please haha!

When to watch

After the Black Eyed Peas performance, you can go do other things until the 90th minute, because that’s when Ramos Time begins. Until then, nothing of interest is likely to happen. Higuain will miss some shots, Cristiano will put his hands on his hips, Massimiliano Allegri will smile in a way that looks like someone is squeezing his balls too tight. But once injury time begins, I will come alive like a children’s toy that turns on in the night without anyone touching it. Maybe there will be extra time, maybe there won’t. I am sure of one thing, though: Gerard Pique and his Twitter fingers will fail that Harvard class just like they failed in La Liga and the Champions League this season.

Predictions

Here’s Cristiano’s prediction:

“Too much humility isn’t good, we have to prove our character and who is the best.

“They are an excellent team but so are we. I have the feeling that we are going to play a great game and we are going to win.”

And here’s mine:

“With the Black Eyed Peas performing, we’re all winners!”

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Arsene Wenger gloats about his new contract

A brief statement from the Arsenal manager after signing his two-year extension

Thought you could get rid of me, did you? With your signs and your plane banners and your Twitter campaigns. Well you tried to fight the zombie apocalypse with water pistols and you lost. Your memes and your YouTube rants have no effect here in Wenger World. Emirates Stadium arose through the sheer force of my frugal will. The only thing that matters here is finishing in fourth place. And even that doesn’t matter anymore. HAHAHAHA!

Perhaps I would have retired if you sniveling ingrates had not awoken my wrath. Insolence of this magnitude deserves smiting. And with this new contract, that is what I will do.

How will I do it, your trembling eyeballs ask?

I will only sign players who even the makers of Football Manager 2017 have never heard of. Ticket prices will rise even further, and the club’s website will broadcast a 24-hour live webcam of our unparalleled and untouched cash reserves as it sits idly forever. I will let Spurs continue to finish above us every season, and once my new contract expires, I will sign another. And another. And another.

I will outlast all of you. Why? Because I am immortal. I am The Highlander. I am the fucking Lizard King of the FA Cup. Bow down before your eternal overlord and repent! REPENT!

Wenger. In.

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