Author: Brooks Peck

Dimitar Berbatov brings back his Godfather impression for scene with his daughter

Promoting a charity match with a bit of humor and creativity

Dimitar Berbatov’s love of The Godfather has been well documented. He’s said he learned English by watching the films, he debuted his exceptional impression of Vito Corleone a few years ago, and he’s even done drawings of the character. During his season without a club, it seems Dimitar has been further refining his “Don Berbatore” character for a scene with his seven-year-old daughter, Dea, to promote an upcoming charity match he’s hosting with Luis Figo.

Berbatov reworks the opening scene of the first Godfather film, where Bonasera the undertaker asks the Don for a favor on the day of his daughter’s wedding. And it’s genuinely quite clever. For example, instead of a cat, The Berba strokes his Premier League golden boot award. Watch:

Another few years without playing football and he’ll probably recreate the whole trilogy. Maybe Francis Coppola will see this and take a stab at a Part IV with Berbatov in the lead role.

Chivas win first Liga MX title in more than a decade

A title that proves a homegrown team can still succeed in a time of big-money foreign acquisitions

Though the first leg of the Liga MX Clausura final ended 2–2, it seemed that reigning champions Tigres had taken control. Chivas jumped out to a 2–0 lead, but Andre-Pierre Gignac, the Frenchman who has been a dominant force in Liga MX, scored twice in the final 10 minutes to destroy their momentum.

Entering the second leg, Chivas, the only club in Mexico that exclusively fields Mexican players, had not won a Liga MX title since 2006. Before that, they hadn’t won since 1997. Before that, they hadn’t won since 1987. And before that, they hadn’t won since 1970, which ended a run of eight titles in a span of 13 years—Chivas’ golden age in a very different footballing world.

Now, facing the poster boy of foreign influence on Mexican football, the country’s most popular club faced what could have been another painful failure. Instead, Alan Pulido scored just 17 minutes into the second leg. Then Jose Vazquez added what would be a necessary insurance goal in the 70th minute, leading to what would be a 4–3 aggregate win for Chivas, sealing their 12th Liga MX title to match Club America for the most ever. And since Chivas had already won the Copa MX, it gave them just their second double in club history—the only other coming in 1970.

Much of the credit for this success goes to manager Matias Almeyda (though Chivas’ players must be Mexican, their managers can be Argentinian). After the match, he had his squad kneel down around the trophy and pray before celebrating.

It was an unusual sight, especially in a modern game where the only thing football clubs bow down to is money. But the gesture was a fitting one for a club that still adheres to old traditions that go against contemporary practices.

Of course, if the pattern of the last 47 years is anything to go by, Chivas supporters better enjoy this celebration, because it could be their last for a while.

Rome flooded with tears after Francesco Totti plays his final match

The Stadio Olimpico is now the world’s third largest body of salt water

Roma ended their season by beating Genoa 3–2 on a Diego Perotti goal in the 90th minute that secured second place in Serie A and a Champions League place next season. But the joy of this success was completely overshadowed by the sadness of Francesco Totti’s farewell after 25 years with his hometown club.

Totti came on in the 54th minute and would’ve scored if Daniele De Rossi didn’t edge him out to the ball in the 74th minute. After the match, there was a special ceremony where Totti symbolically passed his captain’s armband to Mattia Almaviva, the youngest captain in Roma’s youth academy. Mattia was born in 2006, when Totti was already 14 years into his professional career.

Totti was presented with a framed shirt inscribed with a heartfelt message.

And his teammates tossed him in the air one last time.

All the while, everyone in the stadium was crying as if they were living out the ending of Old Yeller.

Totti retires with 706 appearances and 307 goals for Roma across all competitions. He won Serie A in 2001 (and was a runner-up eight times, including this season), the Coppa Italia twice, and the World Cup in 2006 with Italy. He led all of Europe in scoring in 2006/07, and led Serie A in assists three times.

Before his final match, Totti wrote a letter to Roma fans, which was published on the club’s website.

Thank you, Rome.

Thank you to my mother and father, my brother, my relatives and my friends.

Thank you to my wife and to my three children.

I wanted to start from the end — from the goodbyes — because I don’t know if I’ll be able to read these lines.

It is impossible to sum up 28 years in a few sentences.

I’d like to do so with a song or poem, but I can’t write any.

Over the years, I’ve tried to express myself through my feet, which have made everything simpler for me ever since I was a child.

Speaking of childhood, can you guess what my favourite toy was? A football, of course! And it still is today.

At some point in life, you grow up — that’s what I’ve been told and that’s what time has decided.

Damned time.

Back on 17 June 2001, we all wanted time to pass a little more quickly.

We couldn’t wait to hear the referee blow the final whistle.

I still get goose bumps now when I think back to it.

Today, time has come to tap me on the shoulder and say:

‘We have to grow up. As of tomorrow, you’ll be an adult. Take off those shorts and boots because starting today, you are a man. You can no longer enjoy the smell of the grass, the sun on your face as you bear down on the opposition’s goal, the adrenaline consuming you, the joy of celebrating.’

Over the past few months, I’ve asked myself why I’m being awoken from this dream.

Imagine you’re a child having a good dream… and your mother wakes you up to go to school.

You want to keep dreaming… you try to slip back into the dream but you never can.

This time, it’s not a dream, but reality.

And I can no longer slip back in.

I want to dedicate this letter to all of you — to all the children that have supported me.

To the children of yesterday, who have grown up and become parents and to the children of today, who perhaps shout ‘Tottigol’.

I’d like to think that for you, my career has become a fairytale for you to pass on.

It’s really over now.

I’m taking off that jersey for the final time.

I’ll fold it away, even though I’m not ready to say ‘enough’ and perhaps I never will be.

Forgive me for not giving interviews and clarifying my thoughts, but it’s not easy to turn out the light.

I’m afraid. It’s not the same fear you feel when you’re standing in front of the goal, about to take a penalty.

This time, I can’t see what the future looks like through the holes of the net.

Allow me to be afraid.

This time, it’s me who needs you and the love that you’ve always shown me.

With your support, I will succeed in turning the page and throwing myself into a new adventure.

Now, it’s time for me to thank all of the team-mates, coaches, directors, presidents and everyone who has worked alongside me during this time.

To the fans and the Curva Sud, a guiding light for all Romans and Romanisti.

Being born Roman and Romanisti is a privilege.

Being the captain of this team is an honour.

You are — and will always be — my life. I will no longer entertain you with my feet, but my heart will always be there with you.

Now, I will go down the stairs and enter the dressing room that welcomed me as a child and that I now leave as a man.

I’m proud and happy to have given you 28 years of love.

I love you.

Great, now I’m crying, too.

Francesco Totti sits atop his throne at launch of gold 25th anniversary boots

Chelsea attempt to trick Arsenal into keeping Arsene Wenger by letting them win another FA Cup

With the Premier League title already in hand, Antonio Conte plays the long game

(Chelsea/Twitter)

After Arsenal beat Chelsea 3–0 way back in September, their seasons have taken drastically different trajectories. Chelsea went on to methodically reclaim the Premier League title while Arsenal finished outside the top four for the first time in nearly two decades, had calls for their manager to be sacked become the hottest meme both on Earth and in its skies, and were once again booted out of the Champions League by the club (Bayern Munich) rumored to be taking their best and most disgruntled player (Alexis Sanchez).

Given all this, it seemed like a foregone conclusion that Chelsea would complete their double in the FA Cup final and Arsenal would complete their unravelling. But when the two teams took the pitch at Wembley, it quickly became evident that they had both reverted to their September form.

Alexis Sanchez gave Arsenal the lead in just the fourth minute with a goal that should’ve been disallowed for both a handball and offside. But instead of battling back, Chelsea let Arsenal outmuscle them and nearly score several more times before the half. Something was off. (And it wasn’t just Aaron Ramsey.)

In the second half, it became more clear what was happening: Chelsea were purposefully letting a side that has been dramatically inferior for the last eight months win a bit of silverware to try and mask the deep stench of failure with a spritz of success in order to trick them into perpetuating that dramatic inferiority. It’s been rumored for a while now that Arsenal’s board wants to extend Arsene Wenger’s contract, but just haven’t had an opportunity to make that known without starting a meme-riot. A trophy would celebration would be that opportunity, though. And Antonio Conte knew this.

Chelsea’s efforts grew brazen. Victor Moses, already on a yellow card, earned a second for diving and was sent off. For diving. Down to 10 men, it appeared Chelsea’s plan was guaranteed to work. But Wenger’s powers of self-sabotage proved strong. His decision to start David Ospino in goal rather than Petr Cech resulted in Ospino buggling in a Diego Costa shot in the 76th minute to let 10-man Chelsea equalize. This forced the Blues to again risk accusations of blatant match fixing by immediately letting Arsenal score again. This proved to finally be enough for Arsenal and they won 2–1.

The result gives Arsene Wenger a record seven FA Cups—as many as Chelsea have won in their entire history—and a record 13 for Arsenal. Now it could be asked how you could force out a manager who has won the third most important trophy available to him so many times. Conte mission: Accomplished.


Wenger (circled) celebrates his great success alone in the back

But after the match, Wenger cast doubt as to whether he would stay. Before he match, he said he never keeps his medals and trophies, always giving them away to others at the club. After the match, he said he would keep this one.

Of course, this could just be an attempt to trick the “Wenger Out” campaigners into momentarily abandoning their crusade to celebrate this accomplishment before he smites them by signing a lifetime contract.

Deception: The true magic of the FA Cup.

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Paulo Dybala is trying to improve his right foot by using it to write

An unusual training technique from one of the game’s best young players

Juventus/Twitter

Paulo Dybala has already proven himself to be one of the best young players in the world, but that isn’t stopping him from improving his game further. Albeit in a strange way.

In an effort to develop his skills with his right foot, Dybala has started using it like a hand. From Football Italia:

“I’m left-handed, I even brush my teeth with my left hand,” Dybala explained to Il Venerdì.

“I take a pen every day and I try to write, but with my right foot, I put it between my big toe and the little one.

“I work like a crazy person to have more sensitivity and ability. Not just that, I also train with my eyes; to see further, in different directions, to anticipate my opponents and see trajectories.”

By “the little one” does he mean the pinky toe? Because I’m not even sure how you hold a pen between your big toe and pinky toe, let alone write that way. Also, I’m hoping his way of working on his right foot and his eyesight at the same time is to feed himself a crapton of carrots using his foot.

I’m pretty sure these training techniques were suggested to him by Dani Alves as a joke and Dybala was just too respectful to question them.

Anyway, I don’t think I want Paulo Dybala’s autograph anymore.

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Andre-Pierre Gignac scores absurd equalizer in Liga MX final

You don’t need balance when you’re this good

 

Chivas were leading Tigres 2–0 in the first leg of the Liga MX Clausura final, but then Andre-Pierre Gignac happened. He scored his first in the 85th minute, then, just three minutes later, he chased down a long pass that slipped through Chivas’ back line, hopped over the goalkeeper like Super Mario over a turtle shell, and lobbed a shot into the empty net at a tricky angle while falling backwards.

That made it 2–2, completely swinging the momentum to the Apertura 2016 champions going into the second leg.

Gignac now has nine goals from his last 15 shots. Not matches. Shots.

The man is unstoppable.

Man United complete Treble of Disappointment by winning Europa League

The last trophy Man United had never won, because it used to be beneath them

(Paul Pogba/Twitter)

“I don’t want to win the Europa League. It would be a big disappointment for me. I don’t want my players to feel the Europa League is our competition.”
—Jose Mourinho, July 2013

That’s what Jose Mourinho said after he reclaimed the Chelsea job from nemesis Rafa Benitez, who won the Europa League with the Blues less than a year after they won the Champions League under Roberto Di Matteo. And yet, when Mourinho won the Europa League with the once great Manchester United, beating Ajax’s team of minimum-wage earning 12 year olds 2–0 to claim their last-ditch spot in the Champions League, Mourinho celebrated like he just discovered a cure for cancer that also reverses male pattern baldness.

He even went so far as to insist on raising three fingers, referencing the Treble of Disappointment (the Community Shield, EFL Cup, and Europa League) that he won this season, which is very different from the actual treble Man United won in 1999 of the Premier League, FA Cup, and Champions League.

But after two years of embarrassment, Mourinho wasn’t satisfied with ending his superhuman trolling there. In his post-match interview, he added another dig at his rivals, who, unlike him, do not derive pleasure from crushing everyone’s capacity for enjoying the game and then getting a trophy for it at the end.

Though he would certainly prefer to be in the Champions League final, after what Mourinho has endured these last two seasons, this was a living dream for him. From the futile cries of hypocrisy aimed at him to scraping together an absurd claim of treble success to achieving his ultimate goal (Champions League qualification) in a roundabout manner to the jabs at managers who finished higher than him in the Premier League table and yet have nothing to show for it. This went as well as it possibly could have for him and that’s why he celebrated like it.

Meanwhile, an injured Zlatan Ibrahimovic treated the Europa League trophy the way a true champion should: By wearing it like a ridiculous shoe.

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Fourth-division team arrive for Copa Argentina match wearing superhero masks, beat first-division team

Fourth-division team arrive for Copa Argentina match wearing superhero masks, beat first-division team

When you’re a fourth division club facing a top-flight side in a cup competition, it’s difficult to intimidate your opponents. So Sacachispas decided to go the other way with it and wear cheap Halloween masks onto the pitch for their Copa Argentina match against Arsenal de Sarandi then pose for their team photo like a bootleg Justice League.

After witnessing that display of insanity, Arsenal likely had a hard time taking their opponents seriously. So much so that the match ended up going to penalties, where Sacachispas won 6–5.

And that’s why they call it The Beautiful Game. I think.

La Liga trophy withheld from Real Madrid until Gareth Bale gets a decent hairstyle

Spanish federation takes a stand against Bale’s outdated bun

The Spanish football federation (RFEF) is refusing to hand over the Liga trophy to Real Madrid until Gareth Bale adopts a more “professional” hairstyle. Los Blancos became champions of Spain for the first time in five years with a 2–0 win over Malaga on Sunday, but they were not given the trophy. Bale and Luka Modric were both seen asking why the silverware wasn’t present after the match, while Cristiano Ronaldo added that the decision was “a fucking joke.”

“Being a champion means more than just one’s play on the pitch,” said RFEF president Angel Maria Villar. “It also requires a certain level of personal quality. And certain members of Real Madrid’s squad do not display this quality. Of course, I am referring to Gareth Bale and his man bun. This trend has come and gone and yet he still has that droopy bird’s nest atop his head. It’s a blight on Spanish football and we cannot present the club with this trophy until something is done about it. We have informed Real Madrid of this matter and they assure us that it will be dealt with.”

Bale has struggled with injuries this season, scoring seven goals in just 19 appearances for Real Madrid—his lowest totals since he joined the club in 2013. Many experts have speculated that his lingering man bun is to blame.

“Some might say that this is a harsh position for the federation to take, but we have been very lenient in this area,” Villar added. “That nonsense Neymar used to have on his head, Messi’s blond atrocity, everything Ronaldo has done to himself. We have to put our foot down somewhere. And we’re putting it down on Bale’s antiquated hipster hair.”

Real Madrid have been given until the start of the next season to get Bale to change his hairstyle or the trophy will be melted down into a paperweight that will be used to hold down all the complaints filed by Gerard Pique.

Villar concluded: “Look, we know that Bale might be balding under that monstrosity, but that’s totally fine. Some people are bald. No one cares, Gareth. A bald patch is so much better than a man bun. It’s 2017 and everyone agrees on this.”

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Rosario Central fans throw dolls on pitch, forcing match to be halted

When football matches turn into horror movies

Lots of strange things have been thrown on the pitch during matches this season alone. Toy pigs, dead rats, a severed bull’s head—but the dozens of plastic dolls Rosario Central fans threw on the pitch during their match against Racing might be the creepiest yet.

Last week, Rosario Central beat their rivals, Newell’s Old Boys, in the Rosario derby. So in their next match, they decided to throw dolls dressed in Newell’s colors onto the pitch midway through the first half of their match against Racing. Because why not?

As a result, it looked like it was raining human babies. Naturally, match officials were forced to halt the match while the dolls were cleared off and everyone received mental health treatment for witnessing this unsettling display.

Anyway, this must have quadrupled the sales of Argentina’s Creepy Generic Baby Doll Company. Congrats to them.

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