Author: Brooks Peck

John Terry gets fittingly controversial send-off before lifting Premier League trophy

A perfect end to the Chelsea captain’s time with the club


(Chelsea FC)

Chelsea’s final match of the Premier League season meant absolutely nothing. They had already wrapped up the title for the second time in three years, rebounding from a shocking 10th-place finish last season, and their opponents, Sunderland, were bottom of the table and couldn’t have been more relegated.

So, in the 26th minute of this completely meaningless preamble to Chelsea being presented with the trophy, Sunderland played the ball out and №26 John Terry, the most successful captain in Chelsea’s history, exited his final match with the club as his teammates lined up to give him a guard of honor before he was replaced by new captain Gary Cahill.

It was later revealed that Terry himself came up with this choreography and Sunderland manager David Moyes agreed to it before the match, but a little more planning probably should’ve gone into it since it took until the 28th minute for the substitution to actually take place. Chelsea went on to win 5–1 and, for them, the day couldn’t have been more perfect. They became the first top-flight club to get 30 wins in a 38-game season, Spurs finished with a club record 86 points and still finished seven points behind the Blues with Hugo Lloris conceding a goal in a 7–1 win to give the Golden Glove award to Thibaut Courtois, and Arsenal finished fifth—outside of Champions League qualification for the first time in 19 years.

But the Terry moment was what everyone fixated on. To Chelsea fans, it was a deserved and emotional send-off, and to everyone else, it was an insult to the game and an affront on common decency.

This made it the perfect way for John Terry to end his Chelsea career, over which he has endeared himself to supporters and repulsed everyone else in equal measure. An understated and conventional farewell would’ve been totally wrong for someone who has lifted more trophies over his 19 seasons than his club had in 93 years of existence before he joined the team and been stripped of the England captaincy not once, but twice.

To fixate on whether it was right or wrong is to miss the transcendence of this ending to one of the Premier League’s most enduring one-man morality plays. In John Terry’s final moments on the pitch at Stamford Bridge, he reminded supporters why they love him and everyone else why they hate him. He even managed to squeeze in one last FA investigation. Incredible.

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Carlo Ancelotti survives his first Bayern beer shower as Philipp Lahm gets his sendoff

All the best bits from Bayern’s Bundesliga victory celebration


(FC Bayern)

A 4–1 win over Freiburg finished off Bayern Munich’s fifth consecutive Bundesliga title and both Philipp Lahm and Xabi Alonso’s career. It also marked the long overdue end of Carlo Ancelotti’s beer-bath virginity.

Also, David Alaba gave Arjen Robben a new head of hair.

Then Robben passed on the favor.

Here’s video of the beer tsunami (the GoPro on the glass was an inspired innovation):

Amidst the joy was a bit of sadness as Lahm and Alonso said goodbye

But the casual cool of Ancelotti in lederhosen remains.

One final thing you have to see: Manuel Neuer keeping his injured foot elevated while wearing his full kit and waving his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care.

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Jose Mourinho would rather eat snacks than answer questions during his press conference

It’s been that kind of season for The Snacking One

The second year of Jose Mourinho’s own personal hell is coming to a close and though he still has the Europa League final to try and salvage some semblance of dignity, his unending misery has made it difficult for him to care about anything at all. So at his press conference on Friday, he placed more importance on eating his snacks than answer questions about how shamefully mediocre his team is from a roomful of people who enjoy needling him.

Watch:

Jose Mourinho is one press conference away from showing up without pants on.

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Russia has a nerdy robot to protect English fans from hooligans at the World Cup

The hooligans will be too busy laughing to beat anyone up


This reboot of Short Circuit looks spectacular

The violence perpetrated by roving bands of Russian hooligans at Euro 2016 in France raised serious concerns about what dangers the 2018 World Cup holds for anyone who attends. English fans, in particular, were targeted in France and the Russian hooligans have warned that the World Cup will be a “festival of violence” for them. But the Moscow Technological Institute has come up with a solution: An effete, bowtie wearing robot named AlanTim—a combination of the two least intimidating names in the English language.

“My name is AlanTim, I work as a lecturer in Moscow Technological Institute,” the robot says in the video above. I read on the internet that many English fans have doubts regarding the safety of visiting Russia. You have nothing to worry about. I will stand up personally for your protection.”

At this point, I laughed so hard that I nearly choked to death.

AlanTim continues: “I promise to accompany you in Moscow and protect you from any problems.”

Again, nearly choked.

“I can immediately contact the police, resolve the dispute on the logical ground, and even anticipate a conflict based on the emotions of people around me.”

Because football hooligans are well known for responding to attempts at peaceful resolutions based on “the logical ground.”

I mean, look at this thing…

The only way AlanTim is going to help English fans in danger is if it shoots lasers from its eyes or takes long enough to be destroyed to let the hooligans’ human targets run away.

There is no way AlanTim survives the 2018 World Cup.

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Bibiana “The Boss” Steinhaus to be Bundesliga’s first woman referee

She put Pep Guardiola in his place, now it’s everyone else’s turn


(DFB)

The Bundesliga will have four new referees next season and one of them is Bibiana Steinhaus, who will be the league’s first woman ref. For anyone familiar with her work, this promotion will seem long overdue. Her credentials (via Reuters):

Bibiana Steinhaus has been a German FA referee since 1999 and taken charge of 80 second division matches since 2007.

She also officiated during the 2011 and 2015 women’s World Cups and the 2012 London Olympics, and will referee the women’s Champions League final in Cardiff on June 1.

Steinhaus, who is also a police officer, is no stranger to the Bundesliga. She’s been a fourth official there for several years, which put her in position to deal with Pep Guardiola’s assholery when he was manager of Bayern. But she wasn’t having any of it.

She’s faced overt sexism in the form of Fortuna Düsseldorf player Kerem Demirbay saying “women have no place in men’s football” after Steinhaus sent him off during a 2. Bundesliga match. He was then made the officiate a girls’ youth match on his day off.

Fortuna Düsseldorf have player referee girls game after sexist comment to ref

Having gone through experiences like these, she’s very aware of what lies ahead. From the BBC:

“For every referee, whether a man or a woman, it is always a big goal to be able to whistle in the Bundesliga,” she told DFB.de, the German football association’s website.

“I am aware that I will be the first female referee in the Bundesliga and will be closely watched by the media and the public. I am used to this pressure and am convinced I will find my feet quickly.

“I have worked very hard for this in the last few years and suffered a few setbacks.”

With this promotion, I’m hoping she sends Pep a retroactive red card. Don’t mess with The Steinhaus.

Qatar’s slave laborers complete first air-conditioned World Cup stadium

One down, seven to go

“Yep, this is 100% unethically made” (Supreme Committee for Delivery & Legacy)

Thanks to their shameful reliance on forced migrant labor, Qatar has completed one of the stadiums to be used at the 2022 World Cup. Unlike Qatar’s other stadiums, The Khalifa International Stadium already existed and was just expanded and upgraded to be the first open-air with a cooling system to prevent fans from literally melting in the Qatar heat.

From the AFP:

Approximately 500 jet nozzles will blast out cold air, keeping temperatures at around 23 degrees Celsius (73 degrees Fahrenheit), for fans.

Chilled water is piped to the stadium from a cooling centre about one kilometre from the stadium, then once it arrives,cold air is pushed into the stadium.

The man responsible for the system, Qatar University’s Dr Saud Ghani, said he believed Khalifa represented a world-first.

“There isn’t on earth, one open air, air-conditioned stadium,” he said.

Dr Ghani said the system at Khalifa would use up to 40 per cent less energy than other cooling methods.

The new system will get its first test on Friday when the Khalifa stadium hosts the Emir Cup final. And all it took was horrific working conditions for thousands of laborers who aren’t allowed to go home.

Of course, upgrading one existing stadium is one thing, but building six more from scratch with less than five years to go is something else entirely. Then again, Qatar has already gotten FIFA to move the World Cup to a different season in order to accommodate its harsh climate, so maybe they can get them to move it to a different year entirely in order to accommodate their unpreparedness, too.

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Schalke fans now able to pay for food and beer with their shirt

A technological innovation no one was asking for


(Schalke 04/Twitter)

Like the Premier League (and La Liga before them), the Bundesliga is introducing sleeve sponsorships. That alone is hugely exciting for you, I’m sure, but Schalke are taking this a step further by implementing new technology that will finally allow fans to pay for food and beverages with their sleeves.

Replica shirts sold with the sleeve patch for online supermarket AllyouneedFresh will include a chip embedded in it that can be used to pay for concessions at the Veltins Arena. Sadly, the shirts worn by players will not include this chip, so they’ll have to carry their wallets if they want to buy a halftime snack.

(Schalke 04/Twitter)

The club’s marketing director says this is a world first that “further underlines our position as a leading innovator within the Bundesliga.” Meanwhile, Bayern Munich have established their own in-stadium currency utilizing payment chips inside trophies they no longer have space for.

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Monaco’s fan overjoyed by first Ligue 1 title in 17 years

Lonely man only wishes he had someone to share the moment with


(AS Monaco/Twitter)

Monaco beat St. Etienne 2–0 to seal their eighth Ligue 1 title and first since 2000, delighting their one fan, Prince Albert II of Monaco.

“It’s been so hard these last 17 years, just waiting for this day,” said the monarch of the tiny, yet incredibly wealthy principality. “Being a prince and the yachts and the incessant luxury. Day after day. It’s been hard. Really, really hard. So to finally have this…it just means so much. And it would’ve meant so much more if there was anyone else in the stadium to see it besides me. High fiving myself in that moment of joy wasn’t as rewarding as I thought it would be.”

Monaco have had one of the most exciting young squads in Europe this season and they proved that not just domestically, but by reaching the Champions League semifinal, as well. Yet their average attendance of 1 is the lowest in France’s top flight.

“It upsets me that no one else attends the matches,” Prince Albert added. “Especially since I own the club. Do I own the club? I probably own the club.”

Monaco has a population of less than 40,000 people and the sixth highest GDP per capita in the world. Their stadium, the Stade Louis II, has 18,523 seats — 18,522 of which have never been used.

“I’ve invited the Monacans to attend matches many times, but they’re too busy being being rich,” Prince Albert continued. “They are my subjects, so I guess I could order them to attend, but it’s no fun watching football with people who don’t want to be there. It would be like going to an Arsenal match. No one wants that.”

Despite being so alone, Prince Albert remains hopeful that Monaco’s style of play will bring new fans to their matches.

“Falcao had a great season, but he is getting older. Maybe when he retires he’ll stick around and attend matches with me. We could high five each other when the team wins. It would be a dream come true.”

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The greatest goal call of all time as Louisville City defenders are denied their free bagels

“GEORGI HRISTOV WILL NOT ALLOW THE BAGELS!”


(Matt May/Tampa Bay Rowdies)

During the 59th minute of a USL match between the Tampa Bay Rowdies and Louisville City, Rowdies touchline reporter Heather Donnelly shared an anecdote about how Louisville goalkeeper Tim Dobrowolski buys his teammates bagels when they keep a clean sheet. And just as she got the words out, Tampa’s Georgi Hristov scored a goal to end the chance at a clean sheet, prompting commentator Mike Pepper to bellow “Georgi Hristov will not allow the bagels! He takes the bagel off!”

Watch and enjoy:

There have been many memorable examples of football commentary perfection over the years, but this will be tough to beat. Martin Tyler can only dream of coming up with a line this good.

From now on, every goal that ends the hope of a clean sheet must be referred to as “denying the bagels.”

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Pep Guardiola is apparently surprised Man City haven’t sacked him yet

Guardiola says some things that should’ve been left unsaid


(Man City)

It’s been a disappointing first season in the Premier League for Pep Guardiola. No title challenge, no trophies—the goalkeeper he brought in, Claudio Bravo, was a shambles before getting hurt. And now Guardiola is making things worse with his mouth.

From ESPN FC:

“Pressure I had when I arrived in Barcelona, when I had nothing to defend [myself with]. At that club, if in six months you don’t win, you are really out, like Barcelona or Bayern Munich, there you have to win by far. If not, they don’t give you a second chance.

“Here they gave me a second chance and we will try to do it. In my situation at a big club, I’m sacked, I’m out, sure, definitely. At the clubs I worked at before I am not here, but here we have a second chance and we will try to do it better than this season.”

Whoa whoa whoa. Is Pep drunk? Has this lack of success caused him to go insane? No part of this statement should’ve been said out loud in front of reporters. “In my situation at a big club, I’m sacked, I’m out, sure, definitely” — really, Pep? Your word selection has gotten just as bad as your team selection.

The only possible explanation for these comments is that he’s trying to subtly point out that Jose Mourinho has done worse with more and should be sacked, too. That or he’s drunk.

OK, he’s definitely drinking before press conferences. Case closed.

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