With the Premier League title wrapped up, Chelsea decided to reward Michy Batshuayi, the man who scored the goal that did it, his first Premier League start of the season. This left Diego “The Menace” Costa with some free time on the bench, where he apparently worked up an appetite during the first half against Watford. So, during the break, he wandered into the press room to pilfer some food.
Ha venido Diego en el descanso a la zona de prensa a por queso
Being members of the press, they did rat him out to his manager after Chelsea’s 4–3 win, though. Naturally, Chelsea manager Antonio Conte was flaming mad about this thoroughly unprofessional behavior.
Conte is told about Costa's half-time visit to the press buffet. Says he's "angry" with Costa for not bringing him some chocolate.
If you’re going on a halftime food run, you always grab some chocolate for the gaffer. That’s rule №1. Don’t be surprised if Costa gets sold off for this.
Ezequiel Lavezzi is a very well paid man, but not a smart one
8(Ezequiel Lavezzi/Facebook)
The Chinese Super League has more money than sense, and as a result, Ezequiel Lavezzi is currently the highest paid footballer in the world. Yes, that Ezequiel Lavezzi.
So it turns out Lavezzi is the highest paid player in world football. He takes home £41.5m per year…
Now, you would think that Lavezzi would just keep his head down and collect that money until they smarten up and give it to someone else, but, again, this is Ezequiel Lavezzi we’re talking about. And since he’s raking in far more than I am, I’ll let him explain the predicament for which he is now apologizing.
“Per the request of the Chinese Super League, we took the official photos for the season,” Lavezzi said in a statement issued on Sunday.
“We were given instructions by the official photographer and I was trying to make some interesting photos by making some funny faces, which would be used afterwards for entertainment purposes.”
Alright, well, that sounds like good clean fun. What could he have possibly done wrong?
GOOD GOD, MAN! The Chinese Super League makes you the highest paid player in the world and this is what you do in an official photograph for the league?!? What is wrong with you?
“I had no intention of insulting the Chinese people and did not do it with any bad intentions,” the 32-year-old added.
“I’m very happy to be here as part of the Hebei club. I have had great time here with my team mates and it has been a great journey. Every Chinese person around me is friendly and I love my life here.
“I deeply apologise if this photo has offended the Chinese public and fans. I will be more careful in the future.”
After reading that apology, you’re probably asking yourself, “How could anyone be dumb enough to not realize that was a bad move?” And, one more time, I must remind you that we’re talking about Ezequiel Lavezzi here. When it comes to making smart decisions, he’s a perfect match for the Chinese Super League.
Eliseu demonstrates an advanced way of celebrating titles
(Benfica/Twitter)
Benfica beat Vitoria Guimaraes 5–0 to claim a club-record fourth consecutive Portuguese Liga title, giving them a measly 36 overall. To celebrate the achievement, Portugal international Eliseu hopped on a moped and rode it all over the Estadio da Luz.
City are establishing themselves as a dominant force in English women’s football
(Wembley Stadium/Twitter)
Back in 2012, Carli Lloyd made her mark at Wembley when she scored both goals in the U.S.’s 2–1 win over Japan in the Olympic gold medal match. On Saturday, she returned to Wembley with Manchester City to face Birmingham in the Women’s FA Cup final and once again she found the back of the net.
With City already up 2–0 at the half-hour mark after goals from Lucy Bronze and Izzy Christiansen, Lloyd jumped out of her boots to head in a spectacular ball from Megan Campbell to make it 3–0. City went on to win their first Women’s FA Cup 4–1.
Despite losing the Champions League semifinals to Lyon and Alex Morgan, City have now won the three trophies in the last nine months with last season’s WSL title and the Continental Cup.
Lloyd’s loan spell with the club will end at the conclusion of the WSL Spring Series, which wraps up on June 3. So she still has another chance to add to her trophy haul before returning to the Houston Dash and the NWSL. Given Lloyd’s track record, Manchester City might want to look into playing the rest of their matches at Wembley.
Leave it to Diego Costa to take things way too far, though
(Chelsea FC/Twitter)
Chelsea beat West Brom 1–0 with an 82nd-minute goal from forgotten man Michy Batshuayi, who entered the match just six minutes earlier, to seal their fifth Premier League title and sixth top-flight title in club history. The fact that Batshuayi, who hasn’t started a match all season and hadn’t scored a Premier League goal since AUGUST, scored the title-winning goal serves as a nutty twist to an ending that has been clear for months now. But that was just the beginning of the madness that took hold once the final whistle sounded.
Michy Batshuayi scores his 2nd PL goal and 1st since August 20. All 18 of his PL apps have been as a substitute #PL #WBACHE
First, Cesc Fabregas said “Football is fucking unbelievable” on live, internationally broadcast television in reference to Batshuayi scoring the decisive goal and Gary Cahill’s delicate ears could not handle that.
Then Diego Costa attempted to give John Terry a colonoscopy right there on the pitch.
But after a full season of Antonio Conte jumping on every man, woman, and child within 17 miles of him, it was time for his players to return the favor and bring the party to him. They began by waiting for him in the dressing room and absolutely drowning him in ice water and champagne, which he expertly sucked down.
Then Terry, Costa, and David Luiz stole him away from his press conference so the celebrations could continue.
Though Chelsea’s last title was just two seasons ago, the pain and frustration of last season’s shameful 10th-place finish clearly fueled their celebrations at the Hawthorns. And if his track record is any indication, the celebrations have only just begun.
Antonio Conte has won the title in four successive seasons as a club manager (Juventus 2012, 2013, 2014 & Chelsea 2017)
It only seemed like Celta Vigo were giving him a heart attack
(Man United/Twitter)
Prior to the second leg of Manchester United’s Europa League semifinal against Celta Vigo, Jose Mourinho called it “the most important match of our history.” As in, the most important match in Manchester United’s history. The same Manchester United that has won more titles than any other club in England.
That said, the match most definitely was important for Mourinho and Man United. They’re sixth in the Premier League and winning the Europa League is the last remaining hope at Champions League qualification they have this season. So with a 1–0 advantage from the first leg against a small club currently sitting 12th in La Liga, surely a tactical master like Jose Mourinho would employ an infallible plan to finish off his inferior opponent. And that he did. Here’s a step by step breakdown of how he did it:
Start Wayne Rooney: Having someone for Celta Vigo to pity will make them subconsciously not try as hard.
Have Zlatan Ibrahimovic place a threatening phone call to international teammate and Celta Vigo striker John Guidetti: Just give Guidetti something to think about whenever he has a clear chance on goal so he knows there will be Zlatsequences should be score.
Rely on Marouane Fellaini for an early goal: He only scored twice all season coming into the match, so obviously he was due.
Instruct team to channel the spirit of a group of unathletic children forced to play dodgeball in gym class under threat of being expelled from school: This is what the experts call a “winning mentality.”
Concede a goal in the 85th minute: This injection of added terror will instill the frenzied panic necessary to…
Have your best defender get sent off for hitting an opponent in the face: Celta Vigo’s goalscorer will also get sent off in the melee and they still need another goal. The red card means Eric Bailly will be banned for the final, but what team needs their best defender in a cup final anyway?
Let John Guidetti get the ball right in front of goal in the final seconds of injury time when one goal will end any chance at avoiding total and complete embarrassment this season: That pre-match phone call that put the fear of Zlod into Guidetti will make the difference here.
John Guidetti before the game: "I'm going to make sure Manchester is Blue" https://t.co/BaXNuxYRiN
This sport takes itself too seriously. Everything from pre-match handshakes to the very name of the game (soccer? football? futbol? calcio?) gets scrutinized and debated. We’re here to pop that balloon and give the beautiful game the podcast that it truly deserves: One that’s childish, nonsensical, and occasionally funny. Hear weird news, comedy sketches, infighting, and merciless takedowns from the writers and editor of the award-winning blog DirtyTackle.net.
Help support the show by contributing at Patreon.com/dirtytackle and contact us at dirtytackle[at]gmail.com.
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June 2, 2017
This week’s episode includes discussion on the Champions League final, transfer rumors, and pornstar footballers. Are Real Madrid coffins a real thing? Is Jimmy Bullard still alive? Did Ryan like Francesco Totti’s farewell more than John Terry’s? What about Arsene Wenger’s new contract? All that and more, brought to you by the Huddersfield Tourism Board!
Sponsored by José Mourinho’s new fragrance, episode six begins with a discussion on Man United’s “Treble of Disappointment,” which they capped off by winning their first-ever Europa League title. It also includes dirty tackles for Liverpool’s travel agent and La Liga’s trophy procrastination, another round of “True Are Ya?”, plus rulings on John Terry’s grandiose farewell and Leroy Sané’s tattoo.
May 18, 2017
While keeping an eye out for Diego Costa’s Chelsea championship rampage, we have dirty tackles for Jose Mourinho, bagel deniers, and Ezequiel Lavezzi. We get to the bottom of whether Edinson Cavani has ever eaten a pizza in his life, and we make rulings on Spurs’ stadium farewell ceremony, Inter fans’ protest, and Benfica’s championship scooter.
May 11, 2017
On this week’s episode,we learn some new words. What are “Champagne Wars” and how does one engage in them? It’s debated in “True Are Ya?” along with Arsene Wenger’s attempts at sarcasm. In the Dirty Tackles of the week, Leo Messi is somehow on the receiving end, and in Life Ref, puking linesmen, shirt-tearing managers, and footballer doppelgängers are all scrutinized.
May 4, 2017
On this week’s episode, hear EXCLUSIVE entries from the diary of tortured Man United defender Luke Shaw, plus our Dirty Tackles of the Week (we’re coming for you and your overpriced parking, Philadelphia Union owners), another round of True Are Ya? (Has Paulo Dybala really never been to a movie theater in his life?), binding decisions are made in Life Ref, and we advertise questionable products from Bayern Munich and Francesco Totti.
April 28, 2017
Episode two opens with an important, but very unhygienic, blood drive for Lionel Messi, then we share our Dirty Tackles of the Week (1/1 odds on this segment including Joey Barton), consider the facts and fiction of “True Are Ya?” (did Real Madrid ban their own fans after El Clasico?), and announce our rulings in Life Ref (is video review bad for the game?).
March 23, 2017
In our big debut, Ryan Bailey, Theo Messi, and myself sort through real and fake news (Manuel Pellegrini on dancing with the stars? Arsene Wenger’s parrots? Coutinho’s Mickey Mouse tattoo?) in “True Are Ya?”, offer up our Dirty Tackles of the Week as retribution for improper conduct in the football world, and give our rulings on hot button topics like plane banners, sleeve sponsors, and Cristiano Ronaldo Airport in “Life Ref” (which has an amazing theme song, by the way). Plus hear totally not made up ads for the outrageously priced Miami Clasico and new technology to get you through the international break.
The duo have helped Juventus to the Champions League final and Messi is not pleased
(Dani Alves/Instagram)
Leo Messi has warned former Barcelona teammate Dani Alves and Argentina teammate Gonzalo Higuain that he will be more angry than he has ever been in his life if they win the Champions League with Juventus.
The Italian club reached the Champions League final by beating Monaco 4–1 on aggregate, thanks to two goals from Higuain in the first leg and a goal and an assist from Alves in the second. Both players joined Juventus this season, Higuain in a €90 million transfer from Napoli and Alves on a free transfer from Barcelona.
“If they win the Champions League, I swear…” Messi told reporters, shaking his head. “I don’t even know what I’ll do. I’ll be super angry. I’ll probably punch a balloon. Maybe two of them.”
Messi’s frustration stems from the fact that Barcelona did not keep Alves, instead freeing him to sign with the club that would eliminate them from the Champions League quarterfinals. His frustration with Higuain, meanwhile, is a result of the striker’s lackluster performances in the three major cup finals Argentina have reached in recent years, losing in all of them.
“I can’t believe Barca were stupid enough to let Dani leave,” Messi continued. “He’s showing how much he brings to a team. I hope the English media write more stories about me joining Man City just to spite Barca for this. For the record, I’m not going to leave, though. All my stuff is here, so I can’t. I mean, I might. But I won’t. And Higuain—he’s just playing well to mess with me. I know it. But what did I ever do to him? Besides that one time I didn’t invite him to my birthday party every year.”
Asked if he will watch the Champions League final, Messi said, “No. I’m just going to sit outside with my leg over my giant dog until it’s over.”
Arsenal’s 2–0 win over Man United on Sunday not only ended the Red Devils’ 25-match unbeaten streak that could best be described as “an orgy of draws,” it also marked Arsene Wenger’s first win against Jose Mourinho in 13 attempts over his career.
As their personal rivalry has grown, Mourinho has reveled in his record against a man he once called a “specialist in failure.” But after Sunday’s match, Mourinho had very different things to say about Arsenal and Wenger. Things that might have sounded complimentary on the surface, but served a very specific purpose.
Mourinho said:
“The Arsenal fans, they are happy and I am happy for them.”
That’s so nice! Maybe this loss has finally humbled Jose Mourinho and convinced him that it’s time to make peace with his enemies. But wait, there’s more..
“It’s the first time I leave Highbury or the Emirates and they are happy. I left Highbury, they were crying. I left Emirates, they were crying. They were walking the streets with their heads low, so finally, today, they sing, the scarves, you know, it’s nice for them. It’s nice for them. Honestly. It’s nice for them.”
OK, now he’s starting to sound like a guy who just lost a Mario Kart race to a toddler who doesn’t know what any of the buttons do and can’t handle it.
“It’s a big club. It’s a big club. You think I enjoy the fact that a big club like Arsenal is not winning big trophies?”
Yes.
“I’m not enjoying that. Honestly.”
No one believes that, Jose. No one.
“Arsene Wenger is not a…a…small manager.”
The fact that he had to pause and build up the will to say that is telling.
“He’s a big manager.”
I’m 99% certain he’s referring to Wenger’s height here.
“So to have that record of winning so many matches, it’s something that is not normal. That’s not normal. Normal is win, lose, draw. It’s not normal.”
Translation: “One match doesn’t change the fact that I’ve beaten Wenger an abnormal amount of times.”
“And I really don’t care about it. I really don’t care about it.”
“I’m fine,” say the man with blood pouring from his nose.
“And today, there were no problems. We shook hands before the game, we shook hands after the game, and during the game I didn’t like what I never like: he puts too much pressure on the fourth official all the time. [Man United press officer ends press conference]”
And there it is. All that to work up to a parting shot about Wenger harassing the fourth official. He’s too afraid to go for a win against a top opponent away from home, but he still tries to take the high ground after losing. Truly a master at work.
Manchester United still haven't scored away against top-six opponents under Jose Mourinho. Five games, aggregate score 0-7.
Evidence that you need to watch much more or far less Scottish football
You’re a linesman working a match between Dundee and Kilmarnock in the Scottish Premier League. You’ve been running up and down the pitch all day. Suddenly, as Kilmarnock prepared to take a corner kick, you feel a worrying rumble in your belly. Whether it was too much exposure to the sun and Scottish football or too much boozing the previous night, something’s gone rotten and you know it’s going to get much worse before it gets better.
Seeing your clear distress, the Kilmarnock player about to take the corner kick puts a hand on your shoulder and tells the referee something is wrong. That’s when a wave of puke rises up through your system like a rancid tidal wave and escapes onto the grass. The crowd cheers. The ref shows you a red card. The crowd cheers again. You turn around and puke again.
Leo Messi has puked on the pitch many times, but he’s never been shown a red card for it. This decision will likely be overturned on appeal, assuming the linesman doesn’t puke during his hearing, too.
