What would you get your favorite football personalities for the holidays?
(Art of Football)
We’ve teamed up with our good friends at Art of Football once again for a holiday competition that puts your ability to come up with the perfect gift ideas to the test.
Send your gift picks to dirtytackle@gmail.com before Friday, December 9, 2016. We’ll publish the best entries and pick two winners, who will each receive an Art of Football gift card. So make sure your gift choices are a perfect fit! Good luck.
“Buying these products will give me more money to not spend on necessary players.”
As the holiday shopping season tightens its death grip on your wallet, you’re likely to encounter some inexplicable anomalies born out of retail over-exuberance. The official shops of football clubs around the world are reliable creators of these questionable products. Here are a few that you might want to pick up for a person in your life who you’d like to deeply confuse.
Arsenal’s three-pack of Arsene Wenger 20th anniversary socks
It’s bad enough getting socks as a gift, but getting socks that commemorate the anniversary of a manager’s time with a single club adds a strange extra layer to it. Of all the products you can use to celebrate Wenger’s time with Arsenal (and the club offers a sizable variety of them), why socks? Are they meant to be a conversation piece?
“How about Wenger being at Arsenal 20 years. Pretty incredible in this day and age.”
“Yeah, just look at my socks.”
“Oh, yeah, ‘Arsene Wenger 20 years.’ There it is. On your socks. That’s…hey, let’s talk about something else now.”
St. Pauli’s skull and crossbones advent calendar
Yes, St. Pauli are Germany’s punk-rock pirate football club, but the grim motif of this product seems out of place given that it’s meant to help eager children count down to the birth of Jesus/a joyous toy jackpot. Perhaps the subtext being conveyed here is that even if all of your Christmas wishes don’t come true, we’ll all be dead some day, so it doesn’t really matter in the end.
Villarreal underwear
If the previous product was far too dark, then this one is way too bright. If your goal is to never have sex again, then this is the underwear for you.
West Ham junior Christmas abomination
Making a child wear something this ugly is worse than putting coal in their stocking. It’s the kind of thing you buy and then use as a threat to keep your kids in line.
“If you don’t calm down and behave, Jimmy, you’re gonna have to wear your West Ham junior multi Christmas sweatshirt and stand outside for 45 minutes!”
“NOOOOOOOOOO!”
Lyon lion statue
“Shit. I spilled the paint on it.”
“Eh, we’ll call it art and charge €189 for it.”
Spurs personalized vodka
Of all the things to personalize, a bottle of vodka is a weird one. But then you realize that it’s probably the thing Spurs fans need the most, and it makes total sense.
Monaco v Young Boys Champions League third qualifying round friendship scarf
If you really want to confuse someone this holiday season, get them this year-plus old half and half scarf commemorating the Champions League third qualifying round battle between Monaco and Young Boys that Monaco are still selling for some reason. If there was ever an item that symbolizes the question “Why?” it’s this one.
Swansea City body wash, perfume, and lotion gift set
“Ooo, smells like relegation…and nothing like the products I actually wanted.”
Bayern Munich steak and grill seasoning
Ingesting something that evokes images of a smirking Thomas Müller would give anyone pause, so Bayern include a detailed explanation of this product. “For marinating barbecue steaks (veal, lamb, beef, pork), poultry, fish, vegetable sticks and seasoning vegetables and fruit,” they explain. They also offer a “special tip”: “The spice contains salt, so be careful when salting!”
I’m assuming Franck Ribery was adamant about including that bit.
Sunderland toothbrush twin-pack
The only thing that can scrub away the bad taste in your mouth left by watching Sunderland play.
If there was a giant hornet’s nest coming straight for you at 100 mph, would you stick your foot in it? No. If you are a sane person, you would get out of its way and be thankful that you narrowly avoided disaster.
Well, West Ham goalkeeper Adrian is not a sane person. With the giant hornet’s nest that is Zlatan Ibrahimovic coming at him, he planted his studs right in Zlatan’s kneecap like a person who does not value their life whatsoever.
But did Zlatan grind Adrian into a fine powder and sprinkle him atop a latte right then and there? No. While Zlatan is most definitely a vengeful god, he is also a patient one. He waits for the right moment to strike in order to inflict maximum devastation. This is what he did to Adrian.
With Man United up 3–1 deep into injury time, Zlatan scored his second goal of the night, then stood over Adrian’s downed carcass with his arms held aloft, reveling in the crowd’s adulation that stung Adrian all over like a thousand hornets.
The festive season is upon us and Thomas Müller is here to make your ears bleed a merry shade of red.
Appearing at a Bayern Munich fan club gathering, Müller did a duet of the holiday classic “Silent Night” (with a USA medal around his neck?). And, well, let’s just say that if they were carolers outside your door, you would immediately call the police.
Forgetting the words at the end was a fitting touch.
After hearing this, the Bundesliga might want to rescind their winter break so Müller has few opportunities to sing over the holidays.
Struggling footballers might want to invest in a swinging pocket watch
(Tigres)
A two-month goal drought is enough to make a player who had been Liga MX’s top scorer, averaging more than a goal per game since his arrival in Mexico, try just about anything to get back on track. For Tigres striker Andre-Pierre Gignac, that meant getting hypnotized. And not in the Notorious B.I.G. kind of way. Like, actually hypnotized.
Gignac visited hypnotist John Milton ahead of Tigres’ crucial Liga MX quarterfinal second leg against Pumas on Saturday, and whatever he did seemed to work. The French striker netted his first goal since Sept. 18 and went on to complete the night with a hat-trick in his team’s 5–0 win.
He even celebrated one of the goals by “falling asleep” in the hypnotist’s style.
So there you have it. Indisputable proof that hypnosis is the greatest cure for poor form. Man United should hire this John Milton character to be their next manager.
The Liverpool manager throws cold water on the club’s newest darling
(Liverpool FC)
Seventeen-year-old Ben Woodburn became Liverpool’s youngest scorer ever when he sealed their 2–0 win over Leeds in the EFL Cup. The Cheshire-born Wales U-19 striker is providing the club with a jolt of excitement, especially with their tiny Atlas, Coutinho, out injured. This is only natural when a kid who hadn’t even been born when Steven Gerrard made his Liverpool debut breaks a record previously held by Michael Owen. But Jurgen Klopp is determined to nip that shit in the bud.
After the match, Klopp told the press (via ESPN FC):
“In this case, Ben Woodburn. There’s a lot of things to do, especially to keep the public away as long as possible. That’s quite a difficult thing to do. But on the other hand, we only bring him in because we want to use him. So that means when he’s on the pitch he’s absolutely allowed to score goals, to prepare situations, to make crosses — how Trent [Alexander-Arnold] did, for example.
“So, all good. I’m really happy for him. The only problem is I’m a little bit afraid about you [the media]. That why I’m so quiet on this. Think and do what you want, but don’t write anything — only ‘Goalscorer, Ben Woodburn.’ Done. Quite a challenge!”
And to make sure young Ben, who thinks the line “party like it’s 1999” means “party like it’s the year you were born,” doesn’t get a big head about his one career goal, Klopp made sure he knows that it wasn’t exactly a worldie.
“I don’t think it makes sense that I say the obvious things. So first of all, I said ‘Well done, but it was not too difficult! I would have scored too if I would have been in the situation!’ That’s maybe the truth. All good.”
This type of attitude might make fans of Christian Pulisic, another talented teenager, hope Liverpool do end up signing him. Or it might make them hope they don’t so Klopp can’t disparage every goal he scores and give him a complex about only attempting overhead kicks or something.
Anyway, Woodburn wasn’t the only Liverpool child making everyone feel old. The 18-year-old Trent Alexander-Arnold had an assist on the night, which is impressive considering he was a mascot for Liverpool the last time they played Leeds in 2009.
At this rate, in seven more years he’ll be president of the club.
The efforts to ensure that Chapecoense’s story doesn’t end with their overwhelming tragedy
(Chapecoense)
The plane crash that is believed to have killed 75 of the 81 people aboard a flight carrying Brazilian club Chapecoense to Colombia for the first leg of the Copa Sudamericana final could have been a tragic end to what once had the makings of a wonderful story.
Chapecoense climbed from the Brazilian fourth division to the top flight and their first ever continental final in a matter of seven years. This was supposed to be the high point of a club founded in 1973 that spent most of its existence in the lower divisions.
Now, only three members of the squad that traveled to Colombia are thought to have survived—Jackson Follman, Alan Ruschel, and Helio Hermito Zampier Neto—and three players who did not make the trip were left to mourn in an empty dressing room that once housed a now lost family.
Other clubs have been quick to rally around Chapecoense to try and ensure that the club can go on, to help those who remain and sustain the memory of those who have passed. Atletico Nacional, the club that would have faced Chapecoense in the Copa Sudamericana final, have asked CONMEBOL to declare Chapecoense, their “brothers,” champions of the tournament.
Back in Brazil, Flamengo, Palmeiras and Sao Paulo have all offered to loan players to Chapecoense for free (UPDATE: Argentina’s football federation made the same offer on behalf of their member clubs, as well). They have also asked that Chapecoense be exempt from relegation for three years. In addition, Palmeiras, who have already won Brazil’s domestic title this season and were the last opponents Chapecoense faced, have stated their desire to wear Chapecoense’s kit during their last match of the season.
Discussion of sporting interests might seem wholly unimportant in the immediate aftermath of such shocking devastation, but this is more about a community coming together than trophies or squad replenishment. It’s about trying to minimize future loss that would compound what has already been experienced. It’s about making do as best as they can.
Sometimes people need help and just can’t bring themselves to say the words. This is clearly the situation Arsenal midfielder Santi Cazorla finds himself in, as the people who dress him are making his life miserable.
You can plainly see how uncomfortable he looks in this multi-colored denim and leather nightmare he wore to a red carpet event.
In all seriousness, you've got admire Santi Cazorla's dedication to the ☆NSYNC circa 2001 look pic.twitter.com/qLmDMvTan7
And at a photoshoot for Arsenal’s Christmas sweater, he was definitely questioning his life choices (while Mesut Özil enjoyed the garment a bit too much).
Now compare that to how content he looks when finely dressed and surrounded by other footballing gentlemen. He’s filled with the joy of a boy whose older brother lets him hang out with him and his friends at a wedding, even if it’s just so they can see how drunk they can get the poor kid.
I’m afraid that bringing attention to this matter is all I can do, but if you are in a position to better help Santi, please do. I beg. The man is clearly being held hostage by his stylists and sponsors and it must end now.
These were just two of the more recent examples of his gravity defying methods of scoring. It’s become such a familiar occurrence that Fenerbahce’s club shop has started printing shirts with Sow’s name and number upside down since he spends so much time in that position.
Fenerium, Moussa Sow'a özel yeni "ɐssnoW ʍoS" formaları üretti ve satışa çıkarttı. Tebrikler! ? pic.twitter.com/1EMayYQQR6
Mourinho pays tribute to his personal hero, Arsene Wenger
(SportsJoe.ie)
Jose Mourinho was sent off for the second time this season after he kicked a water bottle when Paul Pogba was booked for diving in the first half of Man United’s 1–1 draw with West Ham. In fairness to Mourinho, it definitely could have looked like a bookable challenge from his angle on the touchline, but it wasn’t and now he’s been sent off at Old Trafford as many times as he’s won there this season.
The action that got Mourinho sent off this time, however, might have been inspired by his favorite person in the world, Arsene Wenger. Back in 2009, Wenger was also famously punished for kicking a water bottle at Old Trafford. Surely this was just Mourinho’s latest attempt to be more like the man he once labeled an “expert in failure.” It would certainly explain the last two seasons of his career.
Mourinho has now fallen behind a pace that got David Moyes sacked in April of his first and only season in charge at Man United. Under Mourinho, the Red Devils are currently sixth in the Premier League and closer to 18th-place Hull City (nine points ahead) than first-place Chelsea (11 points back).
Mourinho 2 points worse than Moyes was at this point in the season and United have spent $615m since they fired DM. Yikes.
On the bright side, Man United are undefeated when Mourinho gets sent to the stands (they drew 0–0 with Burnley in October the first time it happened). So maybe he should do this more often?
