He also elbows people in the head when he wants (Rochdale AFC)
Rochdale striker Calvin Andrew has been given a 12-match ban—one of the longest in Football League history—for elbowing an opponent during his side’s 1–0 win over Oldham in League One. The incident occurred away from the ball and was not seen by the officials.
According to The FA, “the standard punishment of three matches that would otherwise apply would be clearly insufficient,” so Andrew was given far more than the usual three-match ban for violent conduct.
Andrew’s ban matches Joey Barton’s for kicking Sergio Aguero in 2012. Only Eric Cantona’s nine-month ban for kicking a Crystal Palace fan and Rio Ferdinand’s eight-month ban for missing a drug test have been longer.
Guardiola claims arguably his biggest win of the week
Three days after beating Barcelona in the Champions League, Pep Guardiola notched what might be an even more impressive victory by getting an apology from Yaya Toure for the one-sided verbal war Toure’s agent has been waging on Guardiola for months now.
Back in September, Guardiola vowed to hold Toure’s career hostage until he apologized for agent Dimitri Seluk’s barrage of insults and he’s done exactly that. Toure hasn’t played a minute for Manchester City since before that day.
At the time, Seluk remained defiant, telling Sky Sports “What do I need to apologise for? Guardiola wins a few games and thinks he is a king. I live in Europe so I can say whatever I like and Guardiola can’t stop me.”
Forty five days later, Toure has decided to comply with Guardiola’s demand by issuing an apology on his official website. It reads:
“I wish to apologise — on behalf of myself and those who represent me — to the management team and all those working at the club for the misunderstandings from the past.
“Those statements do not represent my views on the club or the people who work there. I have nothing but respect for Manchester City and only wish the best for the football club.
“I am immensely proud to have played a part in the club’s history and want to help City succeed further. I live to play football and entertain the fans.
“On that note, I would like to thank all of the fans for their messages through this difficult period. This means a great deal to me and my family.”
It seems likely that Toure did this against Seluk’s advice, but at 33 years old and not getting any younger, his desire to play probably exceeded his desire to stand up for free speech. And after that performance against Barca, who wouldn’t want to play for City right now?
At his Friday press conference, Guardiola seemed pleased with his latest victory. From ESPN FC:
“I have spoken with Yaya today,” the City boss said. “Of course, it was a private conversation. I know what happened, what he said, of course.
“It’s good news for Manchester City — that’s the most important thing — and for Yaya, whom I appreciate. I have known him from a long time ago.”
We can also confirm that Toure presented Guardiola with this apology cake on behalf of his agent:
It seems unlikely that Toure will be able to keep Seluk quiet for more than a few hours, so this likely isn’t the end of this saga. Of course, there’s also the possibility that Toure only apologized so he could get his revenge against Guardiola by sabotaging the team on the pitch, but we’ll just have to wait and see about that.
The true feelings of the Man United players turned pundits are revealed
Fenerbahce beat Manchester United 2–1 in the Europa League, adding to the woe of a Jose Mourinho side that is now off to a worse start than David Moyes or Louis van Gaal managed. Former Man United players Paul Scholes and Michael Owen worked the match for BT Sport and used their copies of the team sheet to express their feelings on their former club’s fortunes, as revealed by colleague Jake Humphrey.
First, the furious scribbles of Paul Scholes:
What immediately jumps out here is the pen-mashing rage evident in the hurricane of swirls at the top of the page. The circular motions clearly symbolize Man United’s fortunes going down the toilet in recent years. Beneath that is what could be a sketch of a prison cell, representing the team’s stifled play and inability to escape their poor form.
Perhaps most telling is the fact that he put a box around Jose Mourinho’s name and then crossed it out. Though Scholes stated during the broadcast that he believes Man United should stick with Mourinho for “the next couple of years at least,” it seems the 11-time Premier League champion is losing patience with the Portuguese.
So that’s a snapshot of Scholes’ tortured emotions. Now how about Michael Owen?
His own initials printed in big block letters (and spiced up with an exclamation point), a magic wand, a banana, the phonetic spelling of Kjaer, a stitched up wound and a cartoon face.
If I had to guess what this all means, I’d say that Owen believes he could be scoring more goals than Zlatan Ibrahimovic right now, that Man United need a magic spell to get the best out of Paul Pogba, that he doesn’t know how to pronounce conjoined letters, that bananas are yummy, that it would be funny if a piece of paper had a paper cut, and that Mr. Parenthesis Head is going to be Britain’s next great children’s cartoon.
Tim Wiese played in the Bundesliga for more than a decade and made six appearances for Germany. Now retired from football at the age of 34, Wiese has begun a new career as a professional wrestler in the WWE.
What started as a few selfies showing off a beefed up physique and rumors of the WWE’s interest two years ago has now resulted in “The Machine” winning his tag-team debut in Munich.
Paired with Seamus and Cesaro against The Shining Stars and Bo Dallas, Wiese delivered the final belly flop and pinned his opponent to start his wrestling career undefeated. Here’s video of the match (and someone who is not at all interested in it):
Hopefully this paves the way for more cross-pollination between football and professional wrestling. Maybe steel cage matches can replace penalty shootouts one day.
Finding football difficult, Sunderland reassess their career options
(Sunderland AFC)
Winless through the first 10 matches of their Premier League campaign, embattled Sunderland manager David Moyes and his players went to a local Nissan plant in search of more suitable work.
As for David Moyes, well, he got invited back for a second interview and has a verbal commitment from Nissan that they won’t hire Jose Mourinho instead of him. So, yeah, it was a pretty good day.
David Beckham insists that he is certain his Miami MLS franchise will begin play on or before the year 2098.
It has now been more than 1,000 days of toiling in uncertainty for Beckham’s Miami project, which was first announced in February 2014. Since then, two other clubs have joined MLS and three others are set to follow over the next two years, with several more viable options actively pursuing inclusion.
“MLS team in Miami?” Beckham asked when questioned about the project while promoting one of his thousands of other commercial interests. “Oh right! Yes, it’s definitely still happening no later than 2098. That’s for sure. We’re hoping that when climate change submerges Miami underwater over the next 80 years, we’ll be able to find the perfect subaquatic stadium site and by then mankind should have the technology that will allow us to contact alien lifeforms in other galaxies about investing in our project. It’s exciting stuff.”
A proposed stadium site in Miami that was first announced in December 2015 is still far from completion and additional investors for the imaginary club are still needed by Beckham and his partners, Simon Fuller and Marcelo Claure.
Despite these endless delays and the continued uncertainty, Beckham remains upbeat about Beckham Miami United’s ability to sign superstar players.
“I’ve spoken to Cristiano Ronaldo and he’s assured me that if he has a great-great grandson one day, the boy will consider playing for us. So we’re happy about that,” Beckham said with a confident grin. “Also, Zlatan Ibrahimovic will probably still be playing at 116 years old, and he’s open to joining as well. And if MLS can survive the Great Robot Wars of the 2050s, our club will surely become one of the best in the world just before the universe collapses upon itself in 2182. I can’t wait.”
Legia Warsaw prove that eerie silence is the most hostile atmosphere of all
(Mateusz Kostrzewa/Legia Warsaw)
Legia Warsaw supporters opened this season’s Champions League campaign — the club’s first in 21 years—with an spine-tingling display that exemplified the very best of the competition’s atmosphere. That same night, they went on to exemplify the very worst fan behavior, fighting opposing supporters and dousing stewards with teargas.
Borussia Dortmund beat Legia 6–0 that night and the home fans were punished with a complete stadium ban for Real Madrid’s visit. And in a ground completely devoid of any atmosphere whatsoever, Legia earned their first point of the group stage with a 3–3 draw against the current holders. Clearly the absence of any fans whatsoever was the key to Legia’s unexpected success.
(Mateusz Kostrzewa/Legia Warsaw)
Real Madrid seemed to be on the path to giving Legia another 6–0 drubbing when Gareth Bale opened the scoring 56 seconds into the match with a gorgeous half volley. Karim Benzema gave Real Madrid a 2–0 in the 35th minute, but Legia struck back in the 40th with a goal from Vadis Odjidja-Ofoe and equalized in the 58th minute thanks to Miroslav Radovic. In the 83rd minute, Thibault Moulin gave Legia a shocking 3–2 lead, but Mateo Kovacic saved the Spanish club from total embarrassment with a final equalizer in the 85th minute.
Real Madrid beat Legia 5–1 at the Bernabeu just two weeks ago and though they played the return fixture without Luka Modric or Casemiro, they really should have made easy work of their hosts once again. But without the haters that fuel Cristiano Ronaldo or any crowd energy at all, Real Madrid were lulled into complacency by the deafening silence that smothered and extinguished the adrenaline fueled desire that usually accompanies European nights.
After the match, Bale all but admitted as much. From Football Espana:
“It was a strange game, especially with the stadium. That’s no excuse, though,” the forward told Spanish TV, reports UEFA’s official website.
“We’re not happy with the result and we need to bounce back from the result.
“I think we had control of the game at 2–0 and lost concentration and if you do that at this level you get punished.”
On this evidence, clubs should voluntarily play in empty stadiums as a means of psyching out their opponents. If Legia Warsaw had played all of their home Champions League matches in an empty stadium, they wouldn’t have had all that violence and could be leading the group right now.
In fact, completely banning all fans from ever attending any football matches again could solve all of the game’s problems. The decrease in revenue would help keep the exorbitant wages in check, struggling teams wouldn’t have jeers in their home grounds to further deplete morale, there wouldn’t be anymore fears of mob violence, racism, homophobia, or sexism from the stands, and think of all the money clubs and taxpayers would save on policing and costly stadium expansions. It makes perfect sense.
Two sad men shake hands in the saddest way possible.
Jose Mourinho and David Moyes are arguably the two saddest managers in the Premier League right now. Mourinho was sent to the stands as his Man United only managed a 0–0 draw with Burnley, leaving them in eighth place while Moyes’ Sunderland remain winless and at the bottom of the table through 10 matches.
Seems that José Mourinho, who was sent to the stands, wasn't the only one whose acca was screwed by Manchester United. pic.twitter.com/34oTJOBDL7
As both men have recently revealed, their workplace troubles have bled into their personal lives, creating an unwanted competition to see who’s sadder.
Mourinho, who is living an isolated existence in a Manchester hotel (perhaps unsure whether he’ll be around long enough to make buying a home worthwhile) while the rest of his family remains in London, told Sky Sports:
“For me, it’s a bit of a disaster because I want sometimes to walk a little bit and I can’t. I just want to cross the bridge and go to a restaurant. I can’t, so it is really bad.
“But I have my apps and I can ask for food to also be delivered, which I do sometimes.”
Meanwhile, David Moyes told reporters that his team’s record has him in a more literally dark place. From Reuters:
“It’s damning, I agree,” Moyes added. “It does make me feel lousy, and I do. I don’t feel good about it but you’ve got to take it. I probably spend Saturday night, and quite often, in a darkened room somewhere.
“Sunday gets a wee bit better, but not much, and hopefully by the time Monday morning comes, you are ready to go again.
“You’ve got to get it out of the system and you are up and running again. And I’ll do that again on Monday.”
It was just a few short years ago that Mourinho said he felt sorry for Moyes in the midst of a brief and terrible spell at Man United that is turning out to be remarkably similar to what Mourinho himself is experiencing there right now.
(Bleacher Report)
Given their shared misery, they should reach out to one another and no longer suffer in solitude. Help each other through this difficult period. Maybe they could silently Facetime while sitting alone their respective darkened rooms, each occasionally muttering Marouane Fellaini’s name. Or they could make plans to start a new football club together. One without owners who will sack you or players who will let you down. One that never loses and exists wherever your family wants to live. It could revolutionize the game! Then the names Mourinho and Moyes will be beloved and synonymous with success once more! Think how wonderful it will be! And then pay the food delivery guy, apologize for holding him up, and close the door before he can ask why there aren’t any lights on and “Mad World” by Tears for Fears keeps playing on repeat.
Another day, another edition of The Goalmouth — our daily podcast/email newsletter combo in partnership with Howler and the Total Soccer Show boys. On this edition, I cover a variety of topics, but the most important is obviously Petr Cech’s new product: the knitted replica of his famous scrum cap.
Brazil have been known as Canarinho (little canary) since they adopted their now famous yellow kits in 1954, so 62 years later they have finally decided to bring that nickname to life in the form of an odd new mascot: A large, angry canary.
