Category: Dirty Tackle

Conspiracy Theory: Jose Mourinho infected Chelsea players with a crippling virus before match

Could Chelsea players falling ill just before facing Man United be a coincidence? No way

Chelsea lost 2–0 to Man United on Sunday in an uncharacteristically poor performance and now it has been revealed that several key Chelsea players were enfeebled by a virus that just so happened to sweep through the team at that time. Clearly this was the result of biological warfare enacted by former Chelsea and current Man United manager Jose Mourinho.

According to the Guardian, the illness forced Marcos Alonso to be withdrawn from the starting XI shortly before kickoff and it affected both Victor Moses, who had to be substituted shortly after halftime, and Diego Costa, who only has a yellow card to show for his 90 minutes of play.

One theory that has been considered by the club is that the bug had spread through the squad at a team bonding meal — one of a number arranged by Conte over the course of the season to strengthen the group — last Thursday evening.

Another theory is that the man who infected Chelsea with this devastating bug was Jose Mourinho. The motive was certainly there. Not only was he sacked by Chelsea twice despite winning three Premier League titles for the club, but he was beaten 4–0 and called “Judas” by fans upon his return to Stamford Bridge back in October. Obviously Mourinho would’ve wanted revenge enough to take drastic measures to ensure he got it.

But would Mourinho posses a biological agent capable of incapacitating Chelsea’s players? Well how else can you explain Eden Hazard’s performance during the 2015/16 season before Mourinho was sacked? Mourinho must have been testing the virus on him and it proved more powerful than he expected.

There is no other explanation for a season this out of line with the rest of Hazard’s career

So after the match in October, Mourinho decided to use his connections within the club and unleash his secret weapon on the Chelsea players during Conte’s “team bonding meal” in the hopes that it would not only impair them for the match, but turn them against Conte, whose immediate domination of the Premier League has been a source of jealousy for Mourinho, who still sits in fifth place with Man United despite the three points.

If this isn’t what happened, then why was it three of the team’s most important players who were most affected by the illness while John Terry sat on the bench feeling fine? Why didn’t this illness sweep through the team before a match against, say, Burnley? And what was the deal with Thibaut Courtois injuring himself before the match while filming a promotional video for the NBA? Know who attended an NBA game last year? Jose Mourinho.

The evidence is overwhelming, but Mourinho will still get away with his diabolical deed and retain the three points that make up the margin between him and his ultimate nemesis: Arsene Wenger. Coincidence? Not a chance.

Isco fulfills goal celebration promise to young fan in a big way

An encounter at an autograph signing leads to a lovely gesture


On Friday, Isco took part in an autograph signing that gave him the chance to meet eight-year-old Manar, who attended the event with her parents, who are deaf. As she got Isco’s autograph, she asked him if he could do the sign for “I love you” if he scored a goal in the next day’s match against Sporting Gijon. Isco told her that he would.

Fast forward to Saturday and just 17 minutes into the match, Isco scored and did the sign. But he wasn’t done. Isco then scored a 90th minute winner to beat Gijon 3–2 and did the sign again. After the match, he explained that he thought of Manar in those moments, prompting the gesture.

Making this whole thing even better is the fact that their encounter at the autograph signing was caught on camera. Take a look:

And as if all that wasn’t wonderful enough, now Isco even has his young son doing it (in a full Real Madrid kit).

https://www.instagram.com/p/BS_NKUGDTrb/

So that’s how I became an Isco fan.


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David Villa scores from distance because he didn’t feel like running any further

Sometimes it pays not to go the extra few steps


NYCFC were already beating the utterly useless Philadelphia Union 1–0 when David Villa took control of the ball around the middle of the pitch in the 90th minute. With two defenders around him and the game essentially over already, Villa decided to launch a shot into the night sky and when it came back down, it landed in the back of the net. Villa was as impressed with himself as anyone.

After the match, which NYCFC won 2–0, Villa explained why he took a shot from where he did.

“I was a little bit tired from running so I just tried it and it went in,” he said, according to NYCFC’s official website.

That’s it. He was feeling tired so he scored with the longest goal in MLS since at least 2012. Simple as that.

A quote like that won’t surprise anyone who considers MLS to be a retirement league, but the thing about these guys who are supposedly retiring in MLS is that while they might not have the legs they once did, they still have the talent which makes them capable of moments like this. And if this what comes from a tired David Villa, well, I’m very OK with that.


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David Moyes hands out chocolate eggs to journalists at press conference

The Sunderland manager tries to get back in reporters’ good graces on Good Friday


Sunderland manager David Moyes hasn’t faced any repercussions since it was revealed that he threatened to slap BBC reporter Vicki Sparks after an interview. But in a transparent attempt to buy back the affections of the press, Moyes handed out chocolate eggs after his press conference on Friday.

As with everything else about Sunderland these days, the desperation is palpable.


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The many dilemmas that face Didier Drogba as player-owner of Phoenix Rising

Drogba is taking up an unusual combination of roles with a club hoping to join MLS


On Wednesday it was announced that Didier Drogba will join three-year-old USL club Phoenix Rising as both a player and a part-owner. On the pitch, Drogba will join Mexico great Omar Bravo and he’ll be reunited with former Chelsea teammate Shaun Wright-Phillips. In the board room, Drogba will join an ownership group that includes the likes of Diplo, Pete Wentz from the band Fall Out Boy, and LA Dodgers pitcher Brandon McCarthy. It’s as if the club was formed by someone filling out a Mad Libs in the waiting room of a dentist’s office.

Drogba joins Phoenix with the intention of helping to lift them from the second division to MLS—which is a tricky proposition given that there are a number of clubs and cities vying for a spot in the league and promotion/relegation doesn’t exist in the U.S. In addition to this, Drogba will also have to navigate the rare combination of being both a player and a part-owner. With all this in mind, here are some of the unique challenges he will face:

  • If a teammate argues with him over who gets to take a penalty, can he fine the guy right then and there?
  • Does he have to pretend to like Fall Out Boy?
  • How much should he pay himself?
  • If it’s not enough, should he demand he sell himself?
  • What if he wants to stay, but they get a really good offer for him, should he sell himself then?
  • Can he sack manager Frank Yallop if he doesn’t play him enough?
  • If he decides that his pal Shaun Wright-Phillips isn’t working out and has to go, can he say it was Diplo’s decision?
  • Should he just change the name of the team to the Phoenix Drogbas?
  • Seriously, who invited Pete Wentz?
  • Will MLS be afraid that if they don’t admit Phoenix to the league, he will call them “a fucking disgrace” on live television?
  • If his teammates complain about the owners not springing for first-class plane tickets, does he lecture them on controlling costs or does he pretend his music is too loud to be able to hear them?
  • Does he let an increasingly desperate David Beckham join the ownership group?
  • If his teammates pass to him rather than shoot themselves, should he give them a bonus?
  • How awkward will it be if the other players try to negotiate new contracts with him in the dressing room?
  • Should he be the groundskeeper and team chef, too?
  • When he’s not playing, does he sit in the owner’s box or on the bench?
  • Since he’ll be using it too, should he spring for the extra soft toilet paper in the bathroom or secretly carry around just enough for himself?

As you can see, this situation is fraught with peril. But Didier Drogba has ended civil wars. If anyone can navigate these waters, it’s him.


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DT Exclusive: A revealing interview with Bastian Schweinsteiger

The new Chicago Fire star’s secrets revealed!

(Chicago Fire/Twitter)

To help hold you over as we wait to see if there will be an episode two of the Dirty Tackle podcast, we managed to get an exclusive interview with Chicago Fire signing Bastian Schweinsteiger. It didn’t go well, but it did provide at least one astounding revelation nonetheless.

Check it out here:

If you want to help us ensure that there are more episodes of the DT podcast, vote for us here (seriously, it means a lot) and be sure to subscribe to the show so you don’t miss a thing.


USL team scores overhead kick from a flip throw-in

Olympic level gymnastics from the second tier of U.S. soccer

(Energy FC/Twitter)

The Oklahoma City Energy beat the Sacramento Republic 1–0 in the second-division USL (not to be confused with other U.S. second-division league, the NASL) with a goal worthy of the Champions League.

Defender Michael Harris whipped in a perfectly executed flip throw-in, which was headed up into the air by a teammate, allowing Miguel Gonzalez to position himself under the ball and fire an overhead kick into the back of the net.

It looked like something they’ve practiced everyday for a year and if it was, it definitely paid off. This goal is going to be internet famous for a while.


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Dortmund supporters repay Monaco fans’ warmth with local hospitality after CL match postponement

A scary situation gives way to opposing fans supporting each other

(BVB/Twitter)

An explosion near Borussia Dortmund’s team bus as it made its way to the first leg of their Champions League quarterfinal against Monaco resulted in defender Marc Bartra suffering an arm injury that required surgery. The match was postponed until Wednesday.

As fans inside the Westfalenstadion waited for information on the frightening incident, the Monaco supporters who made the trip to Germany began chanting “Dortmund, Dortmund” in an impromptu show of solidarity.

The gesture was greatly appreciated by their hosts and soon, Dortmund locals began tweeting offers to open up their homes to Monaco fans suddenly faced with an overnight stay in another country if they still wanted to attend the rescheduled match.

These demonstrations of kindness and goodwill serve as important counterbalances to the awfulness of the original incident. Though there are destructive elements, football will always be a community of people with a shared passion above all else.


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Real Salt Lake player throws snowball at opponent during match

When life gives you snow, make snowballs


Real Salt Lake hosted the Vancouver Whitecaps on Saturday in a match that started out like any other. But this being Utah in April, a blizzard soon rolled in and before long the Whitecaps’ kits matched the color of the pitch.

With the home side already up 3–0, Luis Silva entered the match in the 81st minute and hand some trouble staying on his feet as he battled for the ball with Vancouver defender Tim Parker. Cold, frustrated, and covered in snow, Silva grabbed a handful of the white powder and hurled it at Parker as he pass the ball up field.

Silva wasn’t punished for this, but bravo to Parker for not falling to the ground and screaming in diver’s pain once he realized he’d been hit.

If you want to see the progression from green to whiteout, here are the full match highlights:


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Chivas’ Carlos Fierro performs sneak attack on goalkeeper to score late winner

Puebla’s goalkeeper may never live this one down


With Chivas and Puebla even at 2–2 late in added time, 22-year-old Chivas winger Carlos Fierro went into ninja stealth mode. He lurked behind Puebla goalkeeper Cristian Campestrini and as soon as Campestrini dropped the ball on the ground, Fierro pounced. He swiped the ball and had Campestrini crawling on his hands and knees after him like a toddler on a frozen lake.

Fierro scored with relative ease, giving Chivas a 3–2 win. This was his first goal of the season.

Campestrini, meanwhile, must now change his name, dye his hair and take up a new profession. One where he can keep his back to a wall at all times to ensure that no one can ever sneak up behind him again. This is how lifelong paranoias are born. He might even start wearing a helmet with rearview mirrors attached to it.


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