Category: Dirty Tackle

Bastian Schweinsteiger actually gets to play, scores 17 minutes into MLS debut

Negative assessments of his value may have been premature

(MLS/Twitter)

Aside from an odd question about the Chicago Fire winning the World Cup, Bastian Schweinsteiger’s move to MLS brought a familiar and increasingly tiresome cries of how signing European stars over 30 is bad for the league (spoiler: it’s not). While one match can’t do much to disprove even the most useless of arguments, Schweinsteiger was quick to prove that he still has something to offer in his debut against Montreal.

The former Germany captain started the match mere days after arriving in Chicago, since Man United have been keeping him in a preservation tank against his will for much of the last year. And with Chicago supporters eager to finally begin their World Cup campaign in earnest, Schweinsteiger gave them reason to dream.

Just 17 minutes into the match, Schweini headed in a cross from close range to put the Fire up 1–0.

And he wasn’t done there. A bit later in the first half, he showed he can still reduce a defender to rubble even with just one knee.

Again, an impressive first half in his debut doesn’t necessary mean he will have a great season, but after Jose Mourinho publicly expressed his regret over his treatment of Schweinsteiger at Man United, who only managed a 0–0 draw with West Brom earlier on Saturday, the Red Devils might soon wish they kept him.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

A translation of Lionel Messi’s letter to FIFA denying that he insulted referee

Messi’s attempt to get his ban overturned


FIFA suspended Lionel Messi four matches for cursing at the referee during Argentina’s 1–0 win against Chile. Though Messi’s words were caught on film, the Argentina captain who retired (then promptly unretired) from international football last year claims he is innocent in a letter he sent to football’s governing body.

https://twitter.com/SivanJohn/status/847284200545832962

The following is a complete translation of that letter.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. FIFA,

My name is Lionel Andres Messi. I am 29 years old. I like to play football. My friends call me Leo. Maybe if you decide to be nice to me, I will let you call me Leo, too.

The reason I am writing to you is because you have banned me from playing football for four matches because you think I said bad words to the referee. This makes me sad.

I swear on my Lego collection that my words were not directed at the referee. I was just talking to the air as I remembered what Gonzalo Higuain has done to prevent Argentina from winning trophies time and time again. I hate him so much. He is the worst.

The video that made it look like I was saying these words to the referee was clearly edited and cannot be used as evidence against me. As the sculptor who created the bust of Cristiano Ronaldo in Madeira proved, reality can be changed when it passes through someone else’s hands. After all, we all know that in real life Cristiano is much uglier than that bust. LOL.

I assure you that this is all just a misunderstanding. I’m sorry if the referee felt I was insulting him, but I refuse to apologize to Gonzalo Higuain. Again, he is the absolute worst and I hate him with every fiber of my being. Please ban him from football forever. He deserves it.

I hope that my severe indentations on this letter demonstrate my honesty to you or at least confuse you enough to overturn my ban just so you don’t have to read similarly indented letters in the future.

To recap: I did not insult the referee, Gonzalo Higuain is the worst and deserves to be banned forever, there is still a chance I will let you call me Leo, and taxes should be abolished.

Please overturn my ban and let me continue to play until I decide to retire again. That’s all I have to say. Oh, two more things: 1) I’m pretty sure I heard Alexis Sanchez say the same words about Arsene Wenger in the tunnel at halftime. 2) My dog is very large and doesn’t like it when people are mean to me. Just throwing that out there.

Thank you for your consideration. I hope that we can all be friends and maybe go bowling at some point in the future.

Hugs,

Lionel Messi


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Bastian Schweinsteiger given hero’s welcome in Chicago, then gets asked dumbest question imaginable

Prank or earnest query, it was embarrassing either way

(Chicago Fire/Twitter)

After being treated like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense by Manchester United, the reception Bastian Schweinsteiger received after landing in Chicago must have been a shock to his lonely, lonely system.

That was the good. As for the bad, well, that came during Schweinsteiger’s introductory press conference a bit later, when one person asked him if he will help the Chicago Fire win the World Cup.

This had to be a prank perpetrated by a local morning radio show or something. But if it wasn’t, it’s evidence of just how much of a forgotten entity the Chicago Fire and the sport itself have become over the Fire’s recent years of irrelevance.

You can really see the exact moment Schweinsteiger considers that being ignored by Man United might have been better than being subjected to questions like this.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Perfect week for Cristiano Ronaldo ruined by Sweden and awful airport bust

The two things that will get ya every time


This was supposed to be a perfect week for Cristiano Ronaldo. Bringing the Euro 2016 trophy back to his home island of Madeira as it hosts a rare Portuguese national team match before getting the incredible honor of having the local airport named after him. And on top of it all, Lionel Messi was banned four matches by FIFA for insulting a referee.

It was all going so well. Just 18 minutes into the match against Sweden, Cristiano scored to give Portugal a 1–0 lead and continue the dream-like experience. But then it all started to go wrong. Sweden scored twice in the second half to make it 2–2 and then a João Cancelo own goal in the third minute of added time gave Sweden a 3–2 win. Sure, it was only a friendly, but this was Cristiano’s friendly and it was tainted.

But no matter—surely the airport renaming ceremony would make up for the loss. How many footballers can say they have an airport named after them? Not many.

https://twitter.com/El_Abdullah88/status/847068135102599174

The local government even commissioned a bust of Ronaldo to be positioned just outside the airport, because if there’s one thing a island with a Cristiano Ronaldo museum, Cristiano Ronaldo statue, and Cristiano Ronaldo hotel needs is a bust of Cristiano Ronaldo outside the Cristiano Ronaldo airport. Except, there was something not quite right about the bust.

Namely, it looks like Cristiano after a four-day meth binge. Or Niall Quinn.

And now everyone is laughing. But at least Messi’s ban remains untainted.


Jamie Vardy can’t stop beating himself up

Someone needs to protect Jamie Vardy from himself


Jamie Vardy came off the bench to score the second goal in England’s 2–0 win over Lithuania on Sunday, but that doesn’t mean he was entirely happy with his performance. At one point, he headbutted the ground—and this was after he had already scored.

This is far from the first time Vardy has physically punished himself during a match, though. As we discussed on the first episode of the Dirty Tackle podcast, Vardy punched himself in the face (repeatedly) after a miss in Leicester’s Champions League win over Sevilla.

He also did it during England’s match against Turkey last year.

And during Leicester match against Hull City…

And, perhaps most bizarrely, he smashed his FIFA 16 player card over his head during a press event.

This type of behavior shouldn’t be shocking from someone who drinks Skittle infused vodka, but the man needs to be required to wear a helmet and boxing gloves. He’s going to be the first athlete to retire from self-induced concussions.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Dries Mertens booked for attempting Three Stooges routine with opponent’s nose

“Why I oughta…”


When we last left Dries Mertens, he was pretending to urinate on the corner flag like a dog after scoring a goal for Napoli. Now, on international duty with Belgium, he’s acting out a half-baked nose-pinching scheme he must have gotten from an old episode of the Three Stooges.

Mertens’ unwilling partner in this odd display was Greece defender Georgios Tzavellas. The Belgian tried to grab Tzavellas’ nose once, but the defender was able to evade his fingers, so Mertens—being the weirdo that he is—decided to give it another go. Tzavellas wasn’t having it, though. You would think that having a stranger be nice enough to make sure you don’t have anything dangling out of your nose would at least get a “thank you,” but apparently not.

Mertens was booked for this, but Tzavellas was eventually sent off in the final minutes of the match, which ended 1–1.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

U.S. beat Honduras 6–0 to win 2018 World Cup

A qualifying match that opened up a tangent universe where anything is possible


The United States beat Honduras 6–0 to climb out of last place in CONCACAF World Cup qualifying and win the 2018 World Cup on Friday night. Clint Dempsey led the team with a hat trick in the first qualifier of Bruce Arena’s second go-around as manager after replacing Jurgen “The Human Albatross” Klinsmann.

The LA Galaxy’s Sebastian Lletget opened the goal tsunami in just the fifth minute, scoring the first of his international career for his former club manager before going off with an injury in the 17th minute. Michael Bradley then showed that he can still hurt you when you give him a free shot from distance in the 27th minute, Dempsey scored his hat trick in a span of 22 minutes, and Christian Pulisic scored his fourth international goal at the age of 18 amidst general omnipotence.

With this emphatic victory over mighty, 65th-ranked Honduras, the U.S. win their first ever World Cup title and move up to fourth in the CONCACAF qualifying table, four points behind undefeated and mostly ignored Mexico.

The sudden and drastic swing in form for the U.S. will inevitably be used to validate long-simmering doubts as to whether Klinsmann is even able to tie his own shoes without an adult helping him. He was fired after losing the first two matches of this qualifying round, including a dire 4–0 loss to Costa Rica. Although, in his defense, he did not have Dempsey (who is now just two goals behind Landon Donovan’s team record) available to him, nor did he have young Christian Pulisic in his current form as a Leo Messi/Cristiano Ronaldo/P-Rex, All-Powerful God of Soccer hybrid.

But just as he celebrated when his successor with the German national team won the 2014 World Cup, he now celebrates when his successor with the U.S. national team wins the 2018 World Cup, lending credence to the theory that this is all just part of his grand plan.

Maybe one day we’ll all be able to fully understand what has happened here, but in the meantime, stay tuned for details on the celebratory parade that Klinsmann already had planned out for the occasion.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Concept of a woman coaching a men’s team a bit too much for Italy U-16s to fully grasp

Patrizia Panico has made history in Italian football and her players are a little confused

(FIGC)

When former Italian international Patrizia Panico was named coach of Italy’s male U-16 team, she made history as the first woman to coach a men’s national side. Her first two matches in charge were a pair of friendlies against Germany. Italy lost the first 4–1, but won the second 3–2.

Naturally, all of this has drawn more attention than a U-16 national team usually receives. In an interview with the BBC, Panico, who racked up over 200 caps for Italy in her playing days, revealed that her players call her “Mister.”

“The boys are used to addressing the coach in the male form, as ‘mister.’ To be honest, I don’t really mind. The important thing is that there is always respect on both sides.” she says.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TrsgIHt5Tc

Panico’s comments imply that she doesn’t interpret this as a pointed show of disrespect, but still—is it really that hard to get that right?

Titles aside, Panico’s appointment is just the latest example of increasing gender integration in football. Last month, Chan Yuen-ting of Hong Kong’s Eastern Sports Club became the first woman to lead a team in the Asian Champions League and in England, Arsenal Ladies’ U-12 and U-10 teams are participating in leagues with boys this season.

Richard Keys and Andy Gray must be rolling over in their graves.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Landon Donovan jumps off a taco truck, nearly gets dropped on his head

U.S. national team rally almost ends in tragedy


With two losses in their first two matches of CONCACAF’s fifth round of World Cup qualifying and a new/old coach now at the helm, the U.S. desperately need a jump start ahead of their match against Honduras. And so, at a rally the night before the qualifier, Landon Donovan decided to offer a very literal jump start by nearly plunging to his death off a taco truck.

The U.S.’s all-time leading goalscorer jumped into the arms of adoring fans, who then dropped him into the ground. Here’s another angle:

Having confirmed that he is once again retired, I guess Donovan is less concerned about risking bodily harm. More importantly, this should clear up any doubts about the validity of Landon’s adventures of epic broportions.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Carli Lloyd scores on her Champions League debut, wears strange shirt number

№55? What?

(Man City)

Two-time FIFA World Player of the Year Carli Lloyd scored on her Women’s Champions League debut for Manchester City, providing the only goal in the first leg of their quarterfinal against Fortuna Hjorring.

https://streamable.com/qgcgx

This shouldn’t be terribly surprising. What was a bit curious, however, was the shirt number Lloyd wore for the match: №55. There was good reason why she couldn’t wear her customary №10 (Daphne Corboz wore it in earlier rounds of the competition), so it seems Lloyd got a bit creative, adding two fives together to imply her preferred number.

Alex Morgan, another American on loan in Europe, also made her Champions League debut for Lyon and also had to get a bit creative with her shirt number. She opted to flip her usual №13 to №31. And during the first half against Wolfsburg, she hit the post. Blame the number.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/