He chased the paper to Club America so they had some waiting for him on his return
Goalkeeper Augustin Marchesin moved from Santos Laguna to Club America in December after previously professing his love for Santos and claiming he would never join America. Naturally, this did not please Santos fans. And yet Marchesin still somehow believed that they would give him a warm reception upon his return for a Copa MX match on Wednesday night.
This did not happen.
Instead, he was showered with fake money as he headed into the tunnel for halftime.
And if that wasn’t satisfying even for the home supporters, the final result definitely was. Santos took a 1–0 lead in the 55th minute, but America equalized in the 90th. But then Julio Furch scored his second goal of the match in the third minute of added time to give Santos a 2–1 win. And that’s how you get a nice warm slice of satisfaction.
Marchesin volvió a Torreón y los hinchas del Santos le tiraron con billetes falsos. Lo tildan de "pesetero" por haberse ido al América. pic.twitter.com/k8PgalH2Sw
If there’s one thing we know for sure about MLS it’s that they love to make up as many confusing rules as they possibly can. As a result, the league and its clubs have apparently decided that even something as simple as the names of these clubs need to have a bunch of inane and arbitrary rules applied to them, too. Enter the official MLS club name style guide.
Not only does this guide provide the “correct” things to call MLS clubs, it also provides the “incorrect” (printed menacingly in a red font) things to call them. And no, the incorrect column is not just a list of curse words and juvenile insults. It’s things that any reasonable person would think these teams should be called. Like saying “Seattle Sounders” instead of “Seattle Sounders FC.” According to the style guide, this is very guide.
You also can’t call New York City FC “New York City” (or “New York” or “NY”), you can’t call Sporting Kansas City “Sporting” (or “Kansas City” or “Kansas”), you can’t call the Vancouver Whitecaps just the “Whitecaps” (but you can call them “Vancouver”) or the San Jose Earthquakes just the “Earthquakes” (but you can call them the “Quakes”!), and you can’t call Columbus Crew SC the “Columbus Crew.” And God help you if you refer to any of the league’s Uniteds as just “United” (you can call the Philadelphia Union “Union,” though).
It’s unclear how important any of this actually is. I doubt anyone will get so much as a sternly worded letter if they write “DC United” instead of the proper “D.C. United” but it’s still a bit silly to see all this compiled into an official document.
Anyway, I really can’t wait until the big United v United game. Go Whitecaps!
UPDATE: Atlanta United taking things a step further…
#ATLUTD handed this out to media, for people who haven't covered soccer before. Bocanegra called it the "Darren Eales Translation Page" pic.twitter.com/cBLdWwua63
Hamburger SV have a problem on their hands. No, it’s not that they’re currently in the relegation zone. It’s that people are urinating all over the Volksparkstadion.
Prior to their DFB Pokal quarterfinal against Borussia Mönchengladbach (which they lost 2–1, conceding two penalties for the decisive goals), HSV tweeted a warning to anyone who might turn their stadium into a waterpark.
“Feral pissers are not wanted!” They say. “Not in our living room. The club’s security staff will eject feral pissers, in accordance with Volksparkstadion rules.”
Twitter users who responded to this message pointed out the inadequate facilities at the stadium, indicating why some fans have been letting it fly in alternative locations.
Whatever the reason for this is, you might want to wear a raincoat and bring a bucket of hand sanitizer the next time you visit the Volksparkstadion.
There may not have been a method to his madness, but there were some good results
(PalermoCalcio.it)
The sacking of Claudio Ranieri has launched a familiar round of outraged headlines over modern football’s soulless disloyalty. Meanwhile, the one man who wouldn’t have hesitated to fire Ranieri as he lifted the Premier League trophy, Palermo president Maurizio “Get Out, No, Wait, Come Back” Zamparini has finally pulled off the ultimate sacking: himself.
Zamparini announced that a new president, representing a yet to be named American group of investors, will take charge of Palermo in the coming weeks, ending Zamparini’s 15-year campaign against logic.
The Reuters report on this story reads like a satire of modern football club owners. It includes lines like:
[Palermo] narrowly avoided another relegation in May after an extraordinary season in which the club employed seven different coaches, two of them twice.
And:
Because it is often not clear whether a manager at Palermo is considered interim or long term, and because some coaches have been appointed several times, there is no consensus over how many Zamparini has employed since he took over in 2002.
However, Italian media generally put the total at 38.
(Football Italia puts the numbers at 29 different managers who were hired, fired, and rehired a total of 40 times.)
It’s generally accepted that managers need time and football clubs need stability to succeed. By that line of thinking, turnover fueled by the manic whims of an oversensitive tyrant (“I will cut off their testacles and eat them in my salad,” he said of his own players in 2003) would be the quickest way to drive a club out of business. But under Zamparini, Palermo achieved some remarkable feats, especially when compared to other southern Italian clubs.
A year after he took charge, Palermo signed eventual World Cup winner Luca Toni and returned to Serie A for the first time in over 30 years. Since then, they have finished as high as fifth three times, qualified for what is now the Europa League five times, reached the Coppa Italia final in 2011, and only suffered one brief return to Serie B before bouncing right back to the top flight the following season. All the while, Palermo helped propel the careers of an impressive number of young talents—most notably Edinson Cavani, Javier Pastore, and Paulo Dybala.
Notable players who passed through Palermo during the Zamparini era
Now sitting 18th in the table and staring down another relegation, Zamparini, who has moaned about being unappreciated by the city of Palermo nearly since the day he arrived, has finally made good on his longstanding threat to step away from the button linked to the trap door under the manager’s seat. And while the next president will almost certainly provide more stability (the only way to provide less would be to put the Stadio Renzo Barbera on wheels), it’s far from certain that they’ll be able to match Zamparini’s achievements.
So farewell to Maurizio Zamparini, Italian football’s entertainingly mad scientist who challenged conventional wisdom. Whether he intended to or not.
And no, it’s not because he’s had his license revoked
Tom waiting for his ride home (Everton FC)
Still just 18 years old, midfielder Tom Davies is establishing himself as a regular in Everton’s squad. He scored the first goal of his young career in January, helping him earn the PFA Fan’s Premier League Player of the Month award. And yet, his mother still drives him to training each day.
Davies discussed this fact with Tubes from Sky Sports. As would be expected from a group of grown men who drive cars worth more than most people’s houses, his teammates apparently rib him about this fact, but Davies is unfazed by it.
“I don’t see nothing wrong with it,” he says with a smile.
PSV, winners of the last two consecutive Eredivisie titles, suffered the ice-cold wrath of goal-line technology on one of the most painful own goals in recent memory during their 2–1 loss to Feyenoord. PSV keeper Jeroen Zoet made a save right on the line, but when he picked up the ball, he inadvertently pulled it over the line, causing the Hawk-Eye system to signal a goal had been scored on the referee’s watch.
Goal-line tech ruled this an own goal, effectively ending PSV's hopes of winning the Eredivisie!
“This is seriously fucked up,” Zoet told the Dutch broadcaster NOS. “The goal-line technology made the difference and things could have been different if it had not.
“He went only by his watch. If that had not happened, I think he would have said no goal. You should always keep believing in things, but the title is very far away. [It’s] a serious blow.”
He later told PSV TV: “I did everything I could to prevent the ball crossing the line. According to the system, it was one millimetre over the line.”
“Why can’t we go back to a time when things were wrong?!” Zoet is basically saying. And I get that it’s hard to come to terms with situations like this, but…come on. It’s not the technology’s fault that you pulled the ball over the line yourself.
Anyway, Zoet almost certainly went home and smashed his iPhone with a hammer after this.
When you’ve got a 10-point lead in February, you just want to hug whoever you can
Normally when you see David Luiz or Diego Costa coming at you, you know that pain is sure to follow. But since Chelsea have the Premier League title all but wrapped up, they’re taking the time to try and change that perception amongst the staff at Stamford Bridge.
As they arrived for Chelsea’s match against Swansea on Saturday, both players surprised a different staffer with a hug.
Costa went on to score the third goal in Chelsea’s 3–1 win, so these pre-match hugs might become a ritual. Hopefully they become less and less terrifying for these staffers with time.
Zlatan once again proves that he is football’s greatest philanthropist
(Zlatan Ibrahimovic/Instagram)
It’s been a difficult period for Manchester United since Sir Alex Ferguson’s retirement as Premier League champion in 2013. They’re now on their third manager in four years and finished fifth in the league last season, missing out on Champions League qualification. Despite these uncertain times, Zlatan Ibrahimovic still demonstrated his unparalleled generosity by signing with the club on a free transfer last summer.
At 35 years old, Zlatan only has precious few years left as a footballer. Still at the top of his game, he could’ve gone anywhere he desired to enjoy his remaining years and carry on his pursuit of an elusive Champions League title after stockpiling trophies and scoring a career high 50 goals with PSG last season. And yet, he chose to forego his Champions League dream and look past his dim view of English football to try and resurrect Man United in their time of despair.
Zlatan’s efforts in this charitable pursuit have been tireless. Though Man United are still just sixth in the Premier League (one man can only do so much—even if that one man is Zlatan), Zlatan leads the team with 26 goals while already racking up a team high 38 appearances (again, he’s 35). Two of those goals came in the EFL Cup final, where Zlatan squashed a valiant two-goal comeback from Southampton to win 3–2, giving the League Cup to Man United for the first time in seven years despite his teammates’ inability to properly support him.
After the match, Zlatan reminded Paul Pogba and the rest of the world that he joined the beleaguered club on a free transfer. So that his gift to the club would not go unnoticed.
Paul Pogba "That's why we bought him" Zlatan "Bought me? I came for free. They bought you" ??? pic.twitter.com/GVFq1sD6NG
Even Jose Mourinho—someone who would take credit for yeast causing bread to rise—said that Zlatan was difference in the match. He told Sky Sports (via ESPNFC):
“I think, honestly, he won the game for us.
“He was outstanding in a match where our opponent was better than us for long periods of the game. I think they deserved to go to extra time.”
While there are many footballers who donate both their time and portions of their considerable wealth to many noble causes around the world, Zlatan has taken on the most difficult act of selflessness of all: overcoming the past embarrassments of David Moyes and Louis van Gaal, and the continually awkward presence of the likes of Wayne Rooney and Marouane Fellaini to restore one of the planet’s richest football clubs to their former glory. And his supreme altruism is already bearing fruit that he so honorably shares with those who would only toil in misery without him.
There’s no “I” in “team,” but there is a “Z” in “amazing.”
The ultimate payoff for a long and successful career
Bayern’s match against Hamburg on Saturday marked Carlo Ancelotti’s 1,000th as a manager and to celebrate the occasion, the club gave him a big-ass Bavarian pretzel shaped like the №1,000 before kickoff.
I would’ve taken that thing back to the dugout and eaten all of it before halftime, but the magic of Ancelotti’s eyebrow is that it was able to resist the allure of a carb-coma to lead Bayern to an 8–0 win. Yes, 8–0.
After the match, Ancelotti had to admit that the day couldn’t have gotten much better. From Reuters:
“A perfect day, a perfect game,” said Ancelotti. “The team played an outstanding game and I could not be happier.”
“I told my players before the game that I wanted a good match for my anniversary. I never thought it would be that good. I hope we show the same attitude in our next game.”
If Arsenal have any designs on coming back from their 5–1 first-leg deficit to Bayern in the Champions League, they now know that gifts of large pretzels won’t help their cause.
The almighty creator shocks the world by finally speaking out against mankind’s greatest crime
(Leicester City)
God, the supreme creator of all that exists, has stunned humankind by breaking His millennia-long press silence to speak out against Leicester City sacking title-winning manager Claudio Ranieri.
“Human beings have committed some truly heinous acts against each other,” boomed the all-powerful voice from the Heavens, exclusively to a select group of print journalists. “Murder, tyranny, acts of greed, and reality television! But sacking Claudio Ranieri, a true saint who performed an honest to Me miracle by winning the Premier League title with Leicester City—Leicester City!—last season is the worst I’ve seen and I see everything, even what you type into Google! Now I am forced to express my outrage in a way that mere thunderbolts and earthquakes cannot convey.”
God’s media silence over the last thousand years or so has left an increasing number of people to doubt His existence over that time, but now He reveals that He has just been busy creating, and subsequently watching, football, with a particular interest in Leicester City.
When the relegation fodder club hired Ranieri in 2015, pundits and supporters alike mocked the selection, as the aging Italian was widely viewed as being on the decline of his career. But then he overcame incredible odds to win the Premier League title in his first season. And though Leicester are once again battling relegation this season, they are still alive in the Champions League knockout stage, making the timing of the decision somewhat curious.
“Sacking Ranieri now, simply out of fear of a relegation that would suddenly wipe out massive revenue streams and potentially threaten the very existence of the club, proves that football has lost its soul. Which is inexcusable since I only gave souls to two sports: football and curling,” God added. “And so, as punishment, I will smite the earth by extending Joey Barton’s playing career by 10 years. Dilly-ding, dilly-REPENT!”
When asked for comment, Claudio Ranieri handed out free puppies and hugged everyone who looked like they needed one before disappearing into a double rainbow.
