The war between the ball boy cabal and the decent people they terrorize reaches a breaking point
Ball boys are determined to ruin football. Jose Mourinho knows it. Tim Cahill recently realized it. But Leyton Orient captain Liam Kelly decided enough is enough and bravely shoved his ball boy oppressor to the ground during a match at Plymouth Argyle.
The shove came in the 86th minute, with Orient down 2–1 to the home side. And once the ball boy’s conspiracy to waste time was successfully thwarted, Orient scored twice in the final minutes of the match to win 3–2.
The incident was not seen by the match officials, but Kelly wasn’t punished at the time. But Argyle submitted the video to the FA, who have now charged Kelly with violent conduct.
As long as ball boys have institutional power on their side, their grip on the game—and its balls—will remain too strong to overcome.
The two stars missed the disastrous first legs of their teams’ Champions League round of 16 ties
Lionel Messi and Mesut Özil missed their teams’ Champions League matches this week due to an unfortunately timed trip to Disney World together. And while they were enjoying themselves at the Magic Kingdom, Barcelona lost 4–0 to PSG and Arsenal lost 5–1 to Bayern Munich.
Fans and journalists alike were quick to point out the absence of both players from the start of the Champions League knockout stage, which Messi and Özil say is the result of a scheduling mishap.
“We thought the Champions League resumed next week,” Özil said upon returning from Florida. “Leo and I both wanted to visit Disney World, so we decided to go together in the middle of the week when we thought there were no matches. We were on Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin when a child recognized us and asked why we weren’t playing in the Champions League. That’s when we realized our mistake. But what were we going to do at that point? Not go see the Country Bear Jamboree? That would’ve been wrong.”
Barcelona’s stunning defeat to PSG in the first leg of their round of 16 tie means they are likely to miss out on the quarterfinals for the first time in a decade. Arsenal, meanwhile, have gone out at this stage in each of the last six years.
Both players could have helped their respective clubs had they been present for these matches. In fact, their managers were so confident they would be there that they were both named to their sides’ starting XIs. Despite a few claims from eyewitnesses that they were, in fact, present and just put in completely ineffectual performances, their picture from Splash Mountain tells a different story.
“The problems our teams suffered in these matches were bigger than one player,” said Messi, wearing a Beauty and the Beast T-shirt. “It’s unfortunate that it worked out this way, but we have no regrets and shouldn’t be blamed for what happened. There is still a second leg to play and if Tinkerbell can be revived through belief alone, then so can our clubs. Of course, she didn’t have to make up a four-goal deficit, so maybe that’s not the best comparison to make.”
When asked if they could assure their clubs that they would play in the return legs, Özil said: “Yes, of course we will play. Unless they conflict with our trip to Legoland.”
When you attempt someone else’s signature move during a match, you better do it right
Cuauhtémoc Blanco is one of Club America’s greatest legends. Last season, he returned to the club to make one final appearance before retiring. So his famous Cuauhtemiña—or the Blanco Bunny Hop—is still fresh in the minds of America’s current players. Here’s how it’s supposed to work:
During America’s Copa MX match against Coras Tepic on Tuesday night, Javier Güemez attempted a Cuauhtemiña of his own. And it did not go well.
Disgracing the memory of a club legend like this should be enough to get him shipped off to the Chinese Super League in the next transfer window.
WTF, kid?!?! Let’s break the pure insanity of this video.
This isn’t even a match—it’s just three kids, each with their own ball, running what appears to be some sort of informal race.
The kid on the far right decides to stop running, turn around, and KICK THE HOLY HELL out of the kid running innocently beside/behind him.
The kid who did the kicking was winning the race when he decided to stop and commit an unprovoked assault.
Is this the Cobra Kai Football Camp? What are they teaching these kids here? Did the kid in the middle owe the other one money? Did he say whatever Marco Materazzi said to Zidane in the World Cup final?
I am terrified of this child.
This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events.
When you don’t feel like coming up with a new design the year before a World Cup
(U.S. Soccer)
Nike and U.S. Soccer unveiled a new all red kit at midnight Eastern Time on a Tuesday Valentine’s Night. And it seems more thought went into that release than the design of the kit itself.
If you watched Euro 2016 or Ligue 1 this season, it should look familiar because it’s nearly identical to kits worn by England, Portugal and PSG.
Nike must have felt that going to the trouble of creating a new design the year before a World Cup—when shirt sales and public interest will be at their peak—simply wasn’t worth it. And if the U.S. Federation was willing to accept their boring old design, then, hey, why not?
The U.S. Federation’s website notes that red is “a core color of the United States flag” as a lame justification for the unoriginal look.
They had to know that this decision would be criticized, though. There were already grumblings when it leaked last week. So the release has been buried in the dead of night…on a holiday…during the middle of the week.
The women’s team will be the first to wear it at the SheBelieves Cup in early March and the men’s team will wear it for their World Cup qualifiers starting at the end of March.
Are you a Philadelphia-area tattoo artist who enjoys doing snake designs and needs an executive title to impressive your parents? Well the Philadelphia Union have a position for you!
The MLS club is now seeking a “Chief Tattoo Officer” to handling all the tattooing needs of their players and staff. This is an actual listing on the league’s official jobs site.
The Union are requiring applicants have at least five years experience, possess a “diverse skillset as needed by clientele including American Traditional, Realism, Japanese and more,” and “must enjoy tattooing snake designs (after all, we have a snake in our crest).”
One wonders if Union players and staff really are demanding so many tattoos that an in-house artist is needed (and how many are getting club specific tattoos?) or if this is just a ploy to get some free press. After all, the job listing also states that the CTO would serve as a “team ambassador” and “respond to press/media requests to talk about the CTO experience with the Union.” If that’s underlying idea here, well played, Union. This is definitely going to get some attention.
With players from around the country and world in need of an artist, we're hiring a Chief Tattoo Officer
An important life lesson in the form of a spectacular overhead kick
(Atletico Madrid/Twitter)
One question has followed Fernando Torres throughout his career: “How did he do that?”
During his first stint with Atletico Madrid and his time at Liverpool, the question was asked as he scored at will—leaving befuddled defenders in his wake. During his time at Chelsea and Milan, the same question was asked as the once dominant player missed unmissable shots with almost impressive regularity.
Now, having regained a slice of his original form with his return to Atletico, Torres has once again prompted the question “How did he do that?” by scoring a remarkable overhead goal against Celta Vigo.
Unbelievable goal from Fernando Torres tonight, controls the ball and bicycle kicks it into the far corner! #Goalpic.twitter.com/AmdFfDaOLH
That’s a 32-year-old Fernando Torres making an infrequent start for Atletico and scoring a goal that he wouldn’t have dared to attempt six years ago when he was both the most expensive and most laughed at player in the history of British football. He has now scored three goals in his last three matches and should serve as an inspiration to anyone who has lost confidence in themselves.
It doesn’t matter how many embarrassing situations you’ve endured, Fernando Torres scoring this goal proves that you can achieve the impossible if you just keep trying.
And just to prove that life has a way of maintaining a cosmic balance, Torres also missed a penalty in this match, as well. But Atletico still won 3–2, so that’s not important.
It’s been a frustrating season for Slaven Bilic and West Ham, and when West Brom scored an equalizer against them deep into added time, Bilic released his fury by slamming a television microphone into the ground. This earned him a sending off.
The Hammers recovered from conceding in just the sixth minute, scoring twice in the second half to take a 2–1 lead on a Manuel Lanzini goal in the 86th minute that looked to be a winner. But Jonny Evans snatched a point back for the Baggies by scoring in the fourth minute of added time. This prompted Bilic to Hulk out on the microphone.
If the Football Association felt that Jose Mourinho could have “endangered people” by kicking a water bottle back in December, they might try to charge Bilic with attempted murder for this.
And no, this doesn’t mean Big Sam will be quarantined over mad cow fears
(Crystal Palace/Instagram)
Crystal Palace’s real, live American bald eagle mascot, Kayla, has been restricted from attending matches in recent weeks due to bird flu related restrictions from the Department for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs. Though this might sound like the opening to a satirical story about Palace’s struggles this season, it appears to be very real.
“Kayla is ‘grounded’ due to restrictions for Avian Flu issued by DEFRA,” Eagle Heights, where Kayla lives, confirmed to Standard Sport. “She will be back once restrictions are removed.”
All captive birds must be kept away from their wild counterparts until February 28 to avoid the spread of avian influenza, more commonly known as bird flu.
Kayla has been soaring around Selhurst Park for years now, and this isn’t the first threat she’s faced. In 2015, a Charlton fan was arrested for trying to punch her during a cup tie.
How’s he supposed to leave when all of his cars are destroyed?
Pescara sit dead last in the Serie A table with just nine points and one win (given to them because Sassuolo fielded an ineligible player) to their credit. Though the club only finished fourth in Serie B last season and won promotion through the six-team playoff, some supporters expected more of this season and they’re blaming club president Daniele Sebastiani. And so they went to his house in the middle of the night and set two of his cars on fire. As you do.
It seems the arson has had it’s desired effect, too. From the AP:
Sebastiani told regional daily Il Centro: “I’m outraged, at the end of the year I’m leaving the club.”
This comes after fans jeered players as their arrived for their annual holiday party back in December, which came shortly after a loss to Crotone. According to ESPNFC, the supporters spat and kicked at players’ cars, prompting Sebastiani to say “Football is not war, it’s a game.” It seems he underestimated their fury.
