Who knew goalkeepers could kick the ball so accurately?!
If you plan on recording a Real Madrid training session with your phone—whether you’re five feet away or five hundred feet away—beware Keylor Navas. We know the Costa Rican goalkeeper is great at stopping shots, but good lord can he kick a ball with pinpoint (or phonepoint) accuracy.
An unsuspecting BBC World Service producer was innocently filming Real Madrid when Navas spotted him and punted a ball directly at him, knocking the phone out of his hand. Watch:
As the video says, the producer and his phone were both unharmed. It was still kind of a dick move by Navas, but, to be fair, the ball had so much distance to travel that the producer could’ve gotten out of the way of Navas’ heat-seeking missile.
Anyway, the takeaway from this incident is that Keylor Navas should be taking free kicks for Real Madrid.
A demonstration of athletic prowess or social media trickery?
We’ve seen Sergio Ramos rise up high to head in a late goal from time to time, but can he jump high enough to dunk a basketball on a regulation hoop? This is the question we are left to ask after watching a video of him doing just that.
At face value, it appears Ramos does, in fact, have Cristiano Ronaldo-like jumping ability. But closer examination raises questions. Like: What’s with the camera angle? Why aren’t we able to see his feet when he jumps? Could he be jumping off a trampoline of some sort?
Almost exactly one year ago, Ramos posted images of himself dunking on a short hoop during a Real Madrid training sessions, but the hoop in the video appears to be significantly higher.
Back to training full of energy. Today it was all about basketball ??????. Have a nice one! pic.twitter.com/Mq3NuIyoWf
“How many winner’s medals does a person really need?” Lahm asks
(Bayern)
Bayern Munich and Germany captain Philipp Lahm has announced that he will end his playing career at the conclusion of this season. Still just 33 years old, Lahm recently made his 500th appearances for Bayern. Over his career he has won seven Bundesliga titles, six German Cups, a Champions League title, the World Cup, the Club World Cup, three German Super Cups, and one UEFA Super Cup.
“I could continue playing beyond this season,” Lahm said with a shrug. “But I’m running out of room to put all these trophies in my house and I don’t feel like moving. So I’m just going to retire instead.”
Lahm’s decision means that he will end his career a year before his contract expires—22 years after he first joined Bayern as a 12 year old. The Munich native, nicknamed the “Magic Dwarf,” explained that the burdens of success of become too great to carry on any further.
“Being captain, I have been tasked with lifting all of these trophies and having to act like it’s this special thing, even after doing it over and over again, year after year,” he said, rolling his eyes. “It gets to be grueling after a while and it’s like, ugh, really? So I’m going to leave it to someone else. Let Thomas Müller do it. That guy gets excited when we have grilled chicken for lunch.”
As for what his next chapter will be, Lahm added that he’s very interested in management.
“I’d like to coach—pass my knowledge on to a new generation,” Lahm said. “But not a good team. A bad one. That never wins anything. Just relegation after relegation. That would be wonderful.”
The spokesman with an unshakable commitment to portraying himself as perfect is finally made real
Some questioned the BBC’s decision to interview a wax figure from Madame Tussauds
For years now, David Beckham has been so good at playing the role of a bland, inoffensive vessel optimized for the conveyance of corporate messaging that he managed to convince us that that’s all he is. An unflappable, two-dimensional living billboard wholly devoid of troublesome human traits like anger, jealousy, desire, or original thought.
But over the weekend, a trove of millions of leaked emails and documents exchange between Beckham and his management firm over a span of three years was published by several major newspapers across Europe, revealing David Beckham to be a living, breathing human being after all.
The primary revelation from these emails is that the entirety of Beckham’s prodigious public life—from charity work as UNICEF ambassador to promotional appearances to fawning birthday wishes for The Queen—has been part of a concerted effort to be knighted. Choice quotes include Beckham labelling the Honours Committee “unappreciative cunts” when he didn’t get his wish and eschewing other plaudits by saying “Unless it’s a knighthood fuck off.”
Other messages purportedly from Beckham include petty insults for other celebrities being honored and orders not to use his own personal funds for charity projects.
According to The Sun, the hackers who obtained the information tried to extort Beckham for £1million (why is it always an even million? If I ever extort someone I’m going to demand 1,267,922.17 just to be original) before releasing it to the press. And Beckham’s management is claiming that some of the emails were doctored.
Some of the published emails were doctored by hackers, it is understood, including the insertion of extra swearwords, Beckham’s team have said. But they confirmed others as genuine, including his insult about the honours committee. However, they stressed such emails were heat-of-the-moment communications between close associates.
The cache also included emails between Oliveira and Beckham about “a red flag” HM Revenue and Customs had put on his nomination for a knighthood due to his involvement in an alleged tax avoidance scheme and Beckham’s exasperation that he had done nothing wrong.
While the tabloids have branded this episode as Beckham’s “email shame,” for anyone who has ever yawned their way through a David Beckham interview or commercial appearance and wondered “is this guy for real?” it’s actually humanizing. Here we thought Beckham was just a totally unrelatable robotic do-gooder who weirdly derives pleasure from getting people to buy underwear and shaking hands with aristocrats, and behind closed doors he’s saying things like “Unless it’s a knighthood fuck off.” Which is a T-shirt I would definitely buy.
Suddenly, everything Beckham does makes so much more sense. He’s not some altruistic citizen of the world who has somehow transcended the quirks of humanity—he’s just a guy from east London who thinks it would be badass to be a knight. He throws tantrums and talks shit about people just like the rest of us. I’m sure he genuinely enjoys helping others with his charity work, but he wants something for himself out of it, too.
None of these things make him an evil person. They just make him a person. And though he has done an impressive job of hiding that reality over the years, it’s nice to finally see that ol’ Davey Becks hasn’t been wholly consumed by Brand Beckham after all.
Maybe now that the man behind the curtain has finally been revealed and his quest for a knighthood has sustained what must be a deathblow, he’ll let the real David Beckham come out to play in public a little more often. Call Pep Guardiola a punk or declare the city of Miami dead to him for not building the MLS stadium he wants. Maybe just carry a sword around everywhere he goes. If you can’t be a knight, you can at least act like one.
An inconclusive experiment in superstition’s influence on results
People try all different things to influence the results of sporting events, but releasing chickens onto the pitch is a rather unusual one. And yet, this is something Braga supporters have done not once, but twice in recent months.
Black chickens are apparently considered to be good luck, so with their side following up a loss in the Taça Da Liga final with a loss in the Portuguese Primeira Liga a few days later, they decided that introducing a black chicken to the mix for a match against Estoril on Monday was necessary.
It didn’t get Braga a win, but they also didn’t lose—the match ended 1–1 with Braga scoring an equalizer in the 54th minute. Which made it more successful than the last time a chicken was let loose on the pitch during their 1–0 loss to Porto back in early December.
Of course, the most famous chicken to ever invade the pitch is the legendary Blackburn chicken. But that was an act of protest against the poultry business that owns the club rather than superstition.
I’m hoping this is the start of a trend that sees more chicken involvement in football matches. Maybe we can get the Chicken Connoisseur to start commentating on television broadcasts.
Not the prize one expects to receive after scoring against River Plate
Lanus beat River Plate 3–0 in the Supercopa Argentina on Saturday and Lautaro Acosta was named man of the match for scoring the first goal. His prize for claiming this honor: a grill and an apron.
You see, Burger King was the sponsor of the match, so instead of giving him a bunch of burgers, they apparently decided that after working so hard during the game, he should work some more and make his own damn burgers.
As strange as it is, it’s still better than the thing the Premier League started handing out this season.
Cameroon came back from 1–0 down to Egypt in the Africa Cup of Nations final to win 2–1 on a skillful display from substitute Vincent Aboubakar in the 88th minute. Aboubakar, who came on at halftime, chested down a long pass, looped the ball over the head of a defender, and placed a bouncing volley into the far side of the net to give Cameroon their fifth AFCON title and first since 2002.
Winning the tournament this year was a particularly impressive achievement for the Indomitable Lions as seven notable inclusions in their 35-man provisional squad declined to participate (Liverpool defender Joel Matip, Nancy goalkeeper Guy N’dy Assembe, Ajax goalkeeper Andre Onana, West Brom defender Allan Nyom, Bordeaux defender Maxime Poundje, Lille defender Ibrahim Amadou, and Marseille midfielder Andre-Frank Zambo Anguissa).
Perhaps because of these controversial absences, Cameroon got off to a shaky start in the tournament, drawing 1–1 with eventual semifinalists Burkina Faso in their first match, coming from behind to beat Guinea-Bissau 2–1 in their second, then drawing 0–0 with Gabon in their third to finish second in Group A. In the quarterfinals, they edged out Senegal in a penalty shootout after 120 scoreless minutes. But in the semifinals, they finally established themselves, beating Ghana 2–0.
Egypt, meanwhile, did not concede a single goal until their semifinal against Burkina Faso, thanks to the stellar form of 44-year-old goalkeeper Essam El Hadary. And after Mohamed Elneny opened the scoring in the final with a goal in the 22nd minute, they looked almost certain to win their eighth AFCON title.
But Nicolas N’Koulou equalized for Cameroon in the 59th minute and Aboubakar stunned Egypt shortly before full time to pull off the upset by scoring twice as many goals in one half as Egypt conceded in the rest of the tournament all together, earning a place in the Confederations Cup.
It’s hard not to wonder what those seven players who refused to take part in this wonderful experience must be feeling right now, especially when Matip played the full 90 minutes of Liverpool’s 2–0 loss to Hull City the day before. Cameroon manager Hugo Broos wasn’t feeling too sorry for them, though.
An answer to the most important question about the London derby
(Chelsea/Twitter)
Chelsea successfully avenged their 3–0 loss to Arsenal earlier this season by beating them 3–1 as Arsene Wenger continues to serve out his touchline ban for shoving an official. Chelsea scored early, and capped off Arsenal’s embarrassment with their third goal coming from former Gunners captain and current Chelsea benchwarmer, Cesc Fabregas, before Olivier Giroud scored his specialty: the consolation goal. It was just one more day to forget for Arsenal, ushering in fresh calls for Wenger’s job, which come with the regularity of high tide. But what if the match continued?
97’—Wenger complains into his headset connected to the Arsenal bench about not being able to see over the person standing in front of him loud enough for the person standing in front of him to hear. The man ignores him. Wenger resigns himself to his fate rather than take the further action necessary to rectify the situation.
101’—N’Golo Kante permits Mesut Özil to go to the bathroom on his own, but waits just outside the door the entire time.
104’—A replay of Eden Hazard’s 53rd minute goal is shown on the big screen at Stamford Bridge and the officials decide it was spectacular enough to be counted a second time. Antonio Conte celebrates so hard that he time travels a few seconds ahead.
109’—John Terry stands on his chair and holds the Premier League trophy over his head until Victor Moses convinces him that it’s not time yet.
113’—While undergoing tests related to the head injury that forced him out of the match in the 17th minute, Hector Bellerin claims that he is a Chelsea player who makes £300,00 a week. When worried doctors tell him that’s not true, he shrugs and says “It was worth a try.”
116’—Olivier Giroud scores a second goal, making it 4–2 and giving Arsenal hope of a comeback. Giroud celebrates with a 37-minute long interpretive dance that reenacts his entire life story to that point.
120’—Emboldened by Giroud’s goal, Wenger shoves the person standing in front of him. The FA immediately gives him a 12-match stadium ban, forcing him him to sit in a dry cleaners’ shop across the street.
124’—Roman Abramovich turns to two of his guests for the day, Michael Essien and Didier Drogba and tells them how he wishes they were still out there playing for Chelsea. Andre Schevchenko then asks “What about me, boss?” and everyone pretends to hear someone calling them from the opposite direction.
131’—Nicolas “Le Sulk” Anelka files a lawsuit against a continually mopey Alexis Sanchez for copyright infringement.
135’—Olivier Giroud completes his hat trick while still celebrating his previous goal. Arsene Wenger thinks of the perfect thing to say to the person who was standing in front of him at Stamford Bridge. The owner of the dry cleaners’ shop agrees that it’s pretty good.
139’—Cesc Fabregas scores his second goal of the day while Petr Cech is busy chuckling to himself upon thinking about how John Terry said he would be worth 12 additional points to Arsenal, who would now be 12 points behind Chelsea in the table. As he did after his first goal, Fabregas doesn’t celebrate out of respect for his former club, but he does bend over just enough for his 2015 Premier League winner’s medal to spill out of his shirt.
140’—The match is abandoned when Antonio Conte high-fives a fan with so much force that the Earth explodes.
The U.S. beat Jamaica 1–0 in the second friendly of Bruce Arena’s second stint as the team’s manager, following a 0–0 draw with Serbia that was only slightly less drab than this victory. Starting the match with a line-up straight from the island of misfit toys, it should’ve been clear that this match, like the previous one (and every other January/February friendly ever played) wasn’t about the result. It was about getting a look at some different players before resuming the serious business of World Cup qualifying. And trying to stay awake.
We're ready. Are you? Revealing the #USMNT Starting XI for #USAvJAM.
Jordan Morris finally rewarded fans dedicated enough to watch these last two matches in the 59th minute by finishing a sequence that would’ve made Arsene Wenger cry.
And that was pretty much the only thing worth mentioning.
The performances in these two matches probably wasn’t enough to give the team the jolt of confidence they need going back into qualifiers, but that was always going to be tough for a couple of winter friendlies to accomplish. So it’s probably best to just enjoy the goal and move on.
On Thursday night, Chivas Guadalajara hosted Boca Juniors in a friendly billed as the DUELO DE GIGANTES (duel of giants). The marketing campaign used to promote this match was rather intense—billing it as an event to decide continental supremacy (again, this is a Thursday night friendly).
ÉPICO or not, one would think that a visit from a massive club like Boca Juniors would pull in the fans and be an enjoyable evening for everyone, but when the match began, it looked like they forgot to unlock the doors at Estadio Chivas.
(Chivas)
That’s embarrassing. And, as expected, it drew a fair bit of ridicule from the internet (particularly from Club America supporters, who were likely rankled by that “continental supremacy” talk).
Regardless of the attendance (or lack thereof), Chivas went on to win in a shootout. Good for them! But then the overblown pageantry continued when they brought out a stage and fired up the confetti canons and blasted Queen’s “We Are The Champions” to present the team with what looked like a replica of the UEFA Champions League trophy as the 12 people in the stands looked on.
When your club hasn’t won a Primera Division title in 11 years, I guess that trophy party trigger finger gets a little itchy.
Seeing all of this inevitably brings us back to the original question of “What the hell was this match anyway?” And the answer is apparently pretty simple.
It wasn't really. Chivas' CEO was in Buenos Aires, had a few drinks with Boca people and they planned this on short notice. Was fun though. https://t.co/ZJz4E4f4QB
