Arriving back in Munich after Bayern’s winter training trip to Doha, Thomas Müller really did not want to speak to the reporters waiting at the gate. So like many people do when trying to avoid unwanted social interaction, he pretended like he was talking on the phone. Unlike many people, he decided to use his passport instead of his actual phone to achieve this ruse.
Though it might seem strange at first, this is actually a stroke of genius. How can reporters ask questions when they’re too busy laughing/questioning your sanity?
It’s quick thinking like this that got Müller to the lofty heights of being the Directing Manager of Carrots.
Messi’s free kick success sparks accusations of wrongdoing
(FC Barcelona)
Real Madrid have formally requested that Lionel Messi be restricted from taking free kicks for Barcelona after scoring with them in three consecutive matches to start 2017.
The leaders of La Liga sent a letter to the Spanish football federation insisting that the Barcelona star must be investigated for his “suspicious” level of success since the beginning of the new year.
In the letter, Real Madrid write, “Our own free kick expert, Cristiano Ronaldo, assures us that scoring free kicks in three consecutive months is not physically possible, let alone three consecutive matches. Therefore, Lionel Messi must be utilizing some sort of illegal technology or wizard magic to achieve these dubious results.”
If Messi missed his next 241 free-kicks he would have the same free-kick to goal ratio as Ronaldo (1.3%) ? pic.twitter.com/qEO2IDuctv
A Messi free kick produced Barcelona’s only goal in the first leg of their Copa del Rey tie with Athletic Bilbao upon returning from the winter break. Three days later, his free kick equalized in the 90th minute against Villarreal. And three days after that, another late free kick gave Barcelona the goal they needed to beat Athletic 4–3 on aggregate.
Real Madrid’s letter concludes by proposing Messi be prevented from taking free kicks in official matches until his boots can be inspected by experts and his whereabouts during the winter break can be accounted for, so as to ensure that he did not visit with any practitioners of the dark arts. It also suggests that Messi’s tax fraud could have been a means to cover up whatever is behind his free kick mastery.
Barcelona have vigorously denied any wrongdoing from Messi and insist he is simply from another planet.
At first glance, it appears to be nothing more than a nice change of pace to the usual stream of promotional images, but upon closer inspection, a couple of things stand out. One, every Liverpool player represented is someone the club cherrypicked from Southampton. And two, “Southhampton” is spelled wrong. This combines the intentional and unintentional for a double whammy of disrespect.
Liverpool subsequently tweeted a corrected version of the image with the spelling mistake fixed, but the same group of players shown, demonstrating that they do want to get their opponents’ name right when they’re bantering at them.
But Southampton went on to prove to Liverpool that they don’t need the players they’ve lost by beating them 1–0 in the match. And it was a goal from Nathan Redmond that did in the Reds.
Of course, there’s still a second leg to play in order to decide who will face Man United or Hull City in the final and to ensure that doesn’t go wrong, Liverpool might want to sacrifice their remaining stock of Rickie Lambert shirts or something.
Expanding the tournament is a risky move for FIFA, but for everyone else it can’t go wrong
(FIFA/Facebook)
FIFA has officially decided to expand the World Cup to 48 teams starting in 2026. The tournament will have 16 groups of three teams, with two advancing from each group, and likely with group-stage matches decided by a shootout (if necessary) so no match can end in a draw. On the surface, all of this either sounds horrible or brilliant, depending on your perspective.
If your country regularly qualifies for the tournament as it stands, you probably see this as a cash grab that could ruin the world’s most revered sporting event. If your country qualifies infrequently or never, you probably see this as a greater chance to finally get in on the fun of the World Cup. But if you look at this decision more objectively, you’ll see that it’s a win-win situation for everyone except, perhaps, FIFA themselves.
Let’s start by taking an optimistic view. A 48-team World Cup could very well be more of a good thing. Just look at Euro 2016—some of the most memorable aspects of that tournament were the presence of smaller nations that qualified. Regardless of the quality of the teams on the pitch, the fans of Iceland, Wales, Northern Ireland, and Ireland invigorated the atmosphere. Hungary and their 40-year-old, sweatpants wearing goalkeeper delighted everyone. Sure there were some crap matches, but top teams regularly produce crap matches in tournament settings, too. Overall, the good outweighed the bad.
Yes, 48 teams sounds like a lot, but if you told someone the World Cup would expand to its current 32 teams back in 1930 when it had just 16, they would probably have all the same complaints we’re hearing now. The game is still growing and there are still nations improving by leaps and bounds beyond the usual World Cup qualifiers. It’s not inconceivable that in another nine to 13 years and beyond, there could possibly be 48 nations worthy of playing in a World Cup.
Now, that’s the optimistic view. The pessimistic view is that this will tangibly harm the competition. If things go wrong at Russia 2018, and they go wrong at Qatar 2022, an expanded World Cup in 2026 with diminished quality and entertainment value could be the last straw and sour the masses on the tournament once and for all, driving down both attendance and home viewership. But this would also be a good thing (for everyone but FIFA)—arguably even better than if a 48-team World Cup proves to be more enjoyable than a 32-team World Cup.
It’s been firmly established at this point that FIFA is bad. They wield an incomprehensible amount of corrupted power and influence over nations, governments and people, and that power is largely derived from this one, hugely popular tournament. For as much as we complain about FIFA and say that we want to see the world’s game freed from its nefarious grip, we still gleefully submit to it by handing over money, attention, and whatever else they want every time they dangle a World Cup in front of us like a set of shiny keys in front of an infant. As long as we do this, we give them the ability to do as they please.
But if the World Cup becomes just as awful as FIFA itself and people turn away from it, the gravy train will run dry and there will finally be a chance at actual reform within the sport’s governing body. And if FIFA is too stubborn to change, there will be an opening for a new tournament to be created outside of its purview for nations seeking to restore quality to international competition and meet the public demand.
So there you have it. A 48-team World Cup will either mean more Icelands and sweatpants or the death of FIFA as we know it. A win-win situation if ever there was one. Now keep your focus on the more pressing matters of Russia’s roving gangs of government sponsored hooligans and Qatar’s inhumanely treated migrant workers.
A startling revelation from The Best FIFA Football Awards
FIFA executives and voters were surprised to learn that U.S. captain Carli Lloyd was not the only women’s footballer playing the game over the last 12 months. Lloyd won FIFA’s women’s player of the year award for the second consecutive year despite only reaching the quarterfinals of the 2016 Olympic tournament and losing the U.S.’s female player of the year award for 2016 to Tobin Heath.
“We were pretty sure Carli Lloyd was still playing since she won this award last year,” FIFA president Gianni Infantino said after The Best FIFA Football Awards in Zurich. “But we couldn’t think of any other women to nominate, so we went with Marta, who we guessed was retired, and ‘Melanie Behringer’—which was a name we thought we had just made up on the spot. So imagine our surprise when we arrived here tonight and learned that Marta is still playing, Behringer actually exists, and they told us that thousands of other women are currently playing the game at a professional level. It was quite a shock, to say the least. But we already engraved Carli Lloyd’s name on the trophy, so what were we going to do?”
Melanie Behringer was the favorite to the win awards among people who actually watch women’s football, as she was the top scorer at the Olympics, where she won gold with Germany, and won the women’s Bundesliga with Bayern Munich. But for FIFA’s award, which is decided by votes from national team captains and coaches, fans and media, Behringer finished third.
Women's player vote: Carli Lloyd: 20.68% of total votes Marta: 16.60% of total votes Melanie Behringer: 12.34% of total votes
Even Lloyd herself was surprised to hear her name called, saying “I honestly wasn’t expecting this” upon reaching the podium. She then went on to thank U.S. federation president Sunil Gulati, who was in attendance, even though he is currently resisting the fight for equal pay led by Lloyd and her teammates. This was presumably done sarcastically.
When asked if this experience will prompt FIFA to pay more attention to the women’s game, Infantino replied, “I don’t know about that, but I would like to congratulate Carli Lloyd on already being named The Best FIFA Women’s Player for 2017, 2018, and 2019! What an achievement.”
Atalanta captain Papu Gomez, who you may remember as the guy who two-footed his own son on the beach a couple weeks ago, marked his return to the pitch by wearing a custom armband featuring characters from the animated film Frozen for his daughter’s birthday. No points for guessing which is his favorite child.
El Papu Gómez salió a la cancha con una cinta de capitán con la imagen de Frozen, en honor a su hija que cumplía años. Un crack. pic.twitter.com/mU83EvRzXQ
Gomez ended up scoring two goals within the first half hour of his side’s 4–1 win over Chievo Verona, which you kind of have to do if you’re going to wear Disney characters on your arm while you play.
This is just the latest in a long line of topical armbands Gomez has worn, though.
Hopefully this catches on and more captains bring some personality to their armbands, but, knowing FIFA, it’s probably just a matter of time before they ban the practice.
A 90th-minute free kick with a chance to equalize? You know how this ends
(FC Barcelona/Twitter)
When someone is in mortal danger in the city of Metropolis, you know that Superman is going to swoop down and save them. There is no question that this will happen, but the reliable inevitability of Superman saving the day makes the act of it enjoyable, even in the absence of surprise.
Lionel Messi lining up a free kick in the 90th minute, with Barcelona down 1–0 to Villarreal, is the real world equivalent to this. You know he’s going to score and when he casually fires a perfect laser beam into the top corner there is no surprise, but the inevitability of it is what makes it so incredible.
Strange things happen in the FA Cup and not all of them are magic
The FA Cup is a unique competition where the world’s top pros intermingle with the part-timers in the hope of winning the world’s oldest football tournament. A few people have made the third round of this year’s FA Cup campaign a bit more unique than usual, though.
For example, Paul Doswell, manager for non-league side Sutton United, was casually vaping on the touchline during his side’s scoreless draw with Wimbledon to force a replay.
Back in the old days, it wasn’t uncommon to see a manager smoke a cigarette, cigar, or pipe in the dugout, but modern stadium regulations and health concerns have largely made this practice a thing of the past for just about everyone except Napoli manager Maurizio Sarri.
But Paul Doswell likes to do things differently. He even pays Sutton to be their manager. So to see him puffing on a vape pen during an FA Cup match is actually one of the less weird things he does.
Not to be outdone, recently sacked former Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew was in attendance wearing a cravat and looking like he sailed up to Gander Green Lane in his yacht with Mrs. Howell.
Alan Pardew. Watching Sutton United whilst wearing a Cravat. More Magic Of the FA Cup pic.twitter.com/6H457BnOuL
A day earlier, Man City’s 5–0 win at West Ham was capped off by a bizarre scene where one pitch invader tackled another, who was dressed as Spider-Man.
Realizing that nothing could top this, the referee decided to forego added time and end the match here.
When it was announced that FIFA and France Football would no longer be partnering on the Ballon d’Or, the game’s governing body was faced with the challenge of coming up with a new award to rival the iconic golden ball. And this is what they came up with. An austere old-timey ball sitting atop an aluminum beer glass with the words “THE BEST” engraved on it. This is the trophy equivalent to a “#1 DAD” mug.
The ball is modeled after the one used in the first World Cup and that’s the closest thing to an interesting factoid there is to say about this youth league participation trophy.
If Cristiano Ronaldo follows up his latest Ballon d’Or win by adding this robot hammer to his museum, it’s probably going in the restroom.
Unheralded new Real Madrid signing James Rodriguez marked his arrival at the club with a brace in a 3–0 win Copa del Rey round of 16 win over Sevilla. The January acquisition, who wasn’t even announced by the club, was a surprise inclusion in the starting XI and made the most of the opportunity.
“He was good,” Zidane said after the match with a shrug. “He didn’t score a hat trick, but I suppose two goals is good. To some people. Maybe we’ll let him start again in April. We’ll see.”
Teammate Alvaro Morata, who also started against Sevilla, was more effusive in his praise for the 25-year-old Colombian international. “James fit into the team very nicely,” said Morata. “It’s like he’s already been here for two and a half years or something. I don’t know what club he was with before this week, but his performance was very impressive.”
Rodriguez, meanwhile, was adamant that he already feels at home in Madrid.
“For the love of god, I’ve been here since 2014 and I’m not going anywhere!” Rodriguez shouted at reporters. “All I want to do is play football for the club that signed me! Is that so much to ask?! I exist, I can contribute, and I exist! I exist, damnit! I exist!”
When informed of the passion Rodriguez expressed for his new club, Zidane replied, “James who?”
