Honesty is the best policy—even when you’re down 2–0
When down 2–0, many footballers would murder Santa Claus for a penalty. But Toni Munoz of German amateur side FC Bocholt has proven himself to be more interested in fair play than sparking a comeback.
After going down in the box when a defender made a blatant attempt to trip him, Munoz was awarded a penalty. The SF Baumberg players vigorously protested the decision, surrounding the ref as Muno casually strolled over and approached the official himself. He pulled the ref aside and shook his head no, apparently arguing that there was no contact and there shouldn’t be a spot kick.
Impressed with this selfless display, the Baumberg players embraced and applauded Munoz. Some high fives were attempted, but Munoz apparently draws the line at high-fiving opponents when he helps protect their lead.
Baumberg went on to win 3–1, perhaps saving Munoz from getting some abuse back in the dressing room.
Way back at the beginning of the year—before we knew that 2016 would be a never-ending funeral march for everyone the world has ever loved—a picture of a young boy wearing a plastic bag fashioned into a makeshift Leo Messi shirt swept through the internet. Social media users united in an effort to identify the boy with the genuine hope of getting a real Messi shirt to him.
(Hamayon Ahmadi/Facebook)
In February, this campaign succeeded and the boy was identified as then five-year-old Murtaza Ahmadi from Afghanistan, bringing to light a series of events so adorable that they will turn you into a puddle of warm goo by the end of this post.
“When he suddenly wakes up in the middle of the night, he starts crying that he wants to go to Messi,” his father, Arif Ahmadi, told CNN from the family’s farm in Jaghori, south-west of Kabul.
Murtaza then started asking his father for a Messi jersey, Ahmadi said.
“I told him that we were living in a poor village far from the city and it was impossible for me to get him the shirt.”
“He kept crying for days asking for the shirt until his brother Hamayon helped him make one from the plastic bag to make him happy.”
UNICEF and Leo Messi ensured that Murtaza’s dream came true by getting an autographed (real) shirt to him, and Murtaza’s response was a perfect and heartwarming cap on a story that seemed to have reached its ideal conclusion.
But this wasn’t the end. Barcelona traveled to Doha, Qatar to play a friendly against Al-Ahly this week and arrangements were made to get Murtaza, now six, and his family to the match so he could meet his hero in person.
Now, if there were any conspiracy theorists who questioned Murtaza’s love of Messi and cynically thought this kid’s parents concocted a plot to get the internet to deliver them a free autographed Messi shirt that they could hawk on eBay, they were shut down when Murtaza proved his devotion by hugging Messi every chance he got.
In the tunnel, during pre-match handshakes—the referee had to pick him up and carry him off the pitch because he wouldn’t let go of Messi, smiling the smile of pure, all consuming joy every step of the way.
Few people have loved anything as much as Murtaza loves Leo Messi and to see him get the chance to express this love is a gift to us all.
When you’ve had enough of everyone’s shit and it’s time to lay a disciplinary smackdown
During added time of Ingolstadt’s 1–0 win over RB Leipzig on Saturday, referee Markus Schmidt reached his breaking point. Like a gunslinger in the Old West, Schmidt laid down the law with his trusty cards, first showing Mathew Leckie two yellows and a red in quick succession, then Davie Selke got a yellow, then Florent Hadergjonaj got one.
Leckie found the sequence quite amusing, but Schmidt wasn’t joking around. If the match didn’t end when it did, he probably would’ve started throwing yellow cards like ninja stars.
After seeing this, I’m 99% sure Schmidt tries to book other drivers on his way home from work.
An important news alert from the desk of Cristiano
(Real Madrid)
Dear Leo,
How are you? (Please do not feel required to write back answering this question.) I am excellent. As you know, the awarding of the Ballon d’Or was different this year. There was no gala for us to attend together. You in your tiny doll suits made out of discount children’s bedding and me looking perfect.
In a way, I am saddened that we didn’t get to have this time together, but in another, far more real way, I am so happy that we didn’t. But enough small talk—the reason I’m writing to you is to inform you of the winner of the 2016 Ballon d’Or. No need to thank me for this service. It is 100% my pleasure. I assure you.
Here’s a hint: The winner of the 2016 Ballon d’Or is the greatest footballer of his generation. His hair this year didn’t look like it was styled by someone who was kicked out of cosmetology school for crimes against humanity. He didn’t “retire” from international football and then come back like a 15-year-old who angrily shut off his Playstation while losing an online match and then tried to pretend that their power went out. And he isn’t you.
That’s right, Leo. As you probably haven’t guessed by now, the winner of the 2016 Ballon d’Or is me. Cristiano “SIIIIII” Ronaldo. The winner of the Champions League, the only footballer with his own line of blankets, the winner of the Best Player in Europe Award, the sufferer of a rare shirt allergy, and the man who finally won a trophy for Portugal simply by shouting at his non-injured teammates.
It has been a truly wonderful year for me and a truly terrible one for you, which makes it an even better year for me. But in addition to being the best footballer, I am also very generous, Leo. And so, to lift your spirits as your inferiority to me becomes known to the world, I am including with this letter a lifetime pass to the Cristiano Ronaldo Museum. So please bring your family (they will have to pay full price, though) and let my achievements inspire you to be slightly less embarrassing.
At this point, I’m sure you are overcome with emotion as you process yet another loss this year mixed with the joy of being able to visit my museum whenever you like instead of tattooing parts of your body to look like a printer test page. So I will conclude by saying that I will not stop winning Ballon d’Or awards until I have one for every abdominal muscle on my body. Yes, that means 15 of them.
The Real Madrid captain’s tattoos are getting…out of hand
(Sergio Ramos/Instagram)
People get tattoos for many different reasons, but Sergio Ramos’ motivation seems to be preparation for a day when his Wikipedia page isn’t readily available. The latest ink for the Real Madrid captain with a knack for scoring late goals is a series of red numbers across his knuckles (side note: the other symbols on his fingers appear to indicate that he is, in fact, the Zodiac killer).
Ramos’ Instagram post asks his fans to guess what the numbers mean and the code was quickly cracked.
The 35 and 32 were his shirt numbers at Sevilla, where he began his career, the 90+ is a reference to his late equalizer in the 2014 Champions League final, where Real Madrid went on to win La Decima, and 19 is how old he was when he made his Spain debut.
The numbers join the Champions League and World Cup trophies he has tattooed on his calves as his increasingly comprehensive career history body art.
It’s not all boring old facts Ramos is permanently affixing to his skin, though. Since every good bio needs a bit of personal color, he also has a Michael Jackson tattoo.
The results from our festive Art of Football competition
(Art of Football)
We asked you to tell us what Secret Santa gifts you would get for three football personalities for the chance to win a gift card from our friends at Art of Football and now the results are in!
First, the runners-up:
I’d give Luciano Spalletti a pair of knee pads to assist him in “asking” Totti to stay another year.
I’d get Joe Hart an appointment with the best podiatrist in Manchester so that he can get his feet checked out and fixed to Pep’s specs.
Stock in Colgate for Jurgen Klopp. That smile, man. That smile. —Nick
1. For Artur Boruc: ownership to a chemical plant right next to a corn field. How and where he chooses to dump the chemicals is up to him.
2. For Vincent Tan: red, high-waisted dress pants, a red belt, and tickets to a Pitbull concert.
3. For Nicklas Bendtner: another square foot of land, so he can be twice as lordly. —Thao
I’d give Dimitar Berbatov 1,000 Marlboro Lights, Jamie Vardy his own game-day helicopter (not corporate, but Apocalypse Now style), and Frank Lampard the leading role in Taken IV. —KB
[Frank does look like a young Liam Neeson, doesn’t he? —Brooks]
For Arjen Robben, I’d gift a full scuba diving set. (It has been two years. I’m still incensed.)
And for Iker Casillas, I would probably buy an entire litter of puppies. The man needs it. —Kerry
I would purchase Lionel Messi a Gonzalo Higuain action figure and a firecracker, to be combined as Messi pleases. A mouthguard for Luis Suarez, and and an Adipose toy (a creature made of fat from Doctor Who) for the aforementioned Higuain (in reference to all the stories like this one.) —Orion
Wayne Rooney: A PS Vita to keep him company on the bench until the 63rd minute. —Syamantak
Cristiano Ronaldo: I would get him a year’s supply of rip away t-shirts to cut down on the time he takes to remove his shirts. Think about how much time that could save him over a whole year.
Frank Lampard: He would receive season tickets for New York City FC, so he could enjoy the club he has probably already forgotten.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: He gets a private tour to the Eiffel Tower (that may or may not now be a statue of him). He deserves the best after the season thus far. —Sonja
Congrats to our winners and thanks to everyone who entered! Hopefully the real Santa takes your advice and delivers all of these gifts to their intended recipients.
Sunday’s Lisbon Derby was the type of event where all the stops are pulled out. This, apparently, is why Benfica sponsor Emirates airline decided to stamp out the last embers of all that is good and pure in football by setting up a mock airport check-in desk on the pitch for the players to run past after warming up before the match.
Just when you thought football had reached peak cringe, Benfica exit the pitch through an Emirates check-in desk after warming up. pic.twitter.com/QYPGvLArLT
Despite enduring this soul crushing shame, Benfica still beat Sporting 2–1. Thankfully, Benfica fans were there to provide some actual, non-corporate atmosphere.
When a referee awards a penalty, there’s little that can be done to change their mind. One thing that definitely won’t work: running up and punching them in the face. In fact, this is guaranteed to make the situation infinitely worse. And yet, that’s what one player in a Spanish regional league match did.
Making the situation even more sickening is the fact that the referee who was assaulted is just 18 years old, according to Cadena Ser.
This is the type of act that deserves a lifetime ban and criminal charges. It remains unclear if that will happen in this case, but at the very least it serves another example of why I’d carry a taser if I was a ref.
This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events.
Over Toronto FC’s brief existence, they have developed a reputation for continuously inventing new ways to shoot themselves in the foot. They didn’t reach the playoffs (a low bar given that more than half the league qualifies) until last season—their ninth in the league. This season, however, things were different.
Led by the likes of Sebastian Giovinco, Michael Bradley, and Jozy Altidore, they’ve built a strong team and the club that had never won a playoff game suddenly won three rounds in a row.
Riding this unfamiliar high of success and relishing the added bonus of hosting the MLS Cup final, everything seemed perfectly alined for Toronto to prove their critics wrong and stand atop the MLS mountain instead of getting crushed by yet another self-created avalanche.
But then they got a little ahead of themselves. And as ESPN’s Doug McIntyre revealed two days before the final, Toronto already had a specially marked display case for the trophy they were sure would soon be theirs.
Toronto FC has a spot all picked out to display the MLS Cup they're hoping to win Saturday night against the Seattle Sounders. pic.twitter.com/JlJr3ZjNef
For those thinking TFC just erected this, it's been there all year, next to another empty display for the CONCACAF Champions League trophy. https://t.co/ci6nuJMYkw
Anyone familiar with sports knows that curses have been born of far less than this. I don’t care if you’re superstitious or not—this is the type of thing that bends the laws of science to create a magic vortex of karmic punishment. And for Toronto FC, that’s exactly what happened.
Facing a Seattle Sounders team that sat in last place and fired the only coach they’ve had in July, then finished the season with the seventh best record in the league before mounting their playoff push, Toronto had to be feeling good as they looked more dangerous during the match. It remained scoreless into extra time, but when Jozy Altidore’s header that should have produced a dramatic winner for the home side was miraculously saved by Seattle’s Stefan Frei, it started to become clear that great forces were working against Toronto and their MLS Cup display case.
The match then went to a shootout, which Seattle won 5–4 to claim their first ever MLS Cup in spite of having exactly zero shots on goal (Toronto had seven). No shots on goal. None. Zip. Nada. And the trophy was theirs.
(MLS/Twitter)
The only way Toronto can overcome this self-created disaster is to destroy the building that houses that still empty display case and hope the next 100 years pass quickly. This is only the beginning.
Beating Stoke is great, but earning a new coffee machine is far, far better
(Arsenal/Twitter)
Theo Walcott scored Arsenal’s first goal in their 3–1 come from behind win against Stoke. It was his 10th of the season, the 100th of his career and it put Arsenal top of the table, but the aspect of this occasion that he was most excited about was the prize it earned him.
No, it wasn’t a goal bonus written into his contract and worth millions of pounds—it was a deal he made with his wife Melanie earlier this season. Last month, Walcott revealed the arrangement. He told reporters (via the Independent): “She said ‘If you get 10 goals before Christmas I’ll buy you this coffee machine.’ So I can’t wait for that and hopefully it will happen.”
It’s worth noting that Walcott hasn’t scored more than nine goals since the 2012/13 season, when he had a career high 21. This is partly down to the injuries that have dogged him, but last season he managed just nine in 42 appearances. Maybe his wife will promise him a new blender if he reaches 20 by the end of the season.
