Category: Dirty Tackle

How a third iteration of the New York Cosmos could work

Existing outside the constraints of a domestic league might be the way forward

(NY Cosmos)

Days after winning their third title in four years within the modern, second-division NASL, the New York Cosmos have purged their squad and staff as a familiar demise seems inevitable 31 years on from their first collapse. On the pitch, the second iteration of the Cosmos was a success, but they were once again undone by their outsized ambitions in a volatile league.

Despite playing their home matches at a modest university stadium and competing in one of two rival second-division leagues in the U.S., the Cosmos still managed to harken back to their original star power by signing the likes of Marcos Senna and Raul to participate in a competition that seemed lightyears away from La Liga.

The high point for the second generation Cosmos—from a standpoint of continuing the glitz and international profile that made their forebears the iconic club of American soccer, even today—arguably came in their very first match after being reformed, though. Before they joined the second attempt at an NASL.

That first match was Paul Scholes’ testimonial. Sir Alex Ferguson’s Manchester United v New York Cosmos at Old Trafford. With Eric Cantona as the Cosmos’ “director of soccer” and manager for the day, leading a squad filled with aging greats like Fabio Cannavaro, Dwight Yorke, Robbie Keane, Patrick Vieira, and Robert Pires.

(Sky Sports)

The Cosmos lost that match 6–0—after all, this was a group that had only met a few days earlier and they were playing against the reigning Premier League champions. Regardless of the result, the match and a Cosmos team filled with real-live Cosmos (plus Wayne Bridge) succeeded in sparking intrigue and excitement about the reborn club.

Obviously, to go from that to second-division matches at Hofstra University is a difficult trajectory. Flashy stadium proposals and attempts to claim a spot in MLS failed—league commissioner Don Garber rejected the idea of a third MLS New York team as recently as Friday—leaving the Cosmos in a dead-end position. Even if MLS did want them and the City of New York was willing to let them build a state of the art home of their own, that wouldn’t be the way for the Cosmos to be the Cosmos.

MLS’s constrictive rules and salary cap, as well as their “all for one” mentality, runs counter to the Cosmos’ big, bold, and individualistic image and a new stadium could be more of a burden than a necessity. So for the Cosmos to make a third go at existence, they might have to forge their own path. One outside the U.S. leagues that have always been too small for them.

Putting together a revolving squad of out of contract or recently retired superstars and playing friendlies and unofficial tournaments (like the International Champions Cup) around the world might be the first step towards finding a sustainable way forward for the Cosmos. They could play in premier venues and would be sure to draw big crowds, as preseason friendlies and star-fueled charity matches have been proven to do. They could be a sort of football version of the Harlem Globetrotters—global ambassadors for American soccer and an asset to the USSF—but without the buckets of confetti (side note: the Globetrotters have apparently “drafted” Leo Messi, Neymar, Tim Howard, and Landon Donovan in recent years…so the Cosmos would have to watch out for them, oddly enough).

If matches were scheduled to fill gaps in the TV schedule, broadcast rights would likely be desirable and the global nature of the endeavor could attract internet companies looking for live content to stream. And if there’s one thing the Cosmos proved upon reforming in 2010 its that they can sell merchandise.


With a focus more on entertainment and showmanship than trophies, the Globetrotters have succeeded for 90 years while playing utterly meaningless games from a results standpoint, so that shouldn’t be the primary concern for the Cosmos in this scenario. That said, in an age when top clubs almost seem held back in their own money-spinning globetrotting by their domestic campaigns as they actively search for ways to form new leagues beyond national or even continental boarders, the Cosmos could get a leg up on the global competition and prove their value as an addition to a potential/inevitable international super league of the future by taking on this form and creating new fans around the world.

Of course, if they did one day make the transition from touring team to a competitive club in an actual league, assembling a squad of younger players would be necessary. And the profits made as the former would ideally be used to fund the latter. In addition, being a part of a new global mega-league would almost certainly help them get a stadium built, which would then be necessary. While these might sound like futile plans for the day after never, these are the types of things a Cosmos 3.0 would have to map out—ways to be the masters of their own domain and limiting dependence on the success or approval of others—to avoid hitting yet another dead end.

Despite crumbling twice now, the idea of the New York Cosmos still has undeniable value and a credibility that few other American clubs, if any, have been able to achieve. It’s something that top players want to be associated with and multiple generations of fans have now supported. A third attempt at creating a viable model remains a worthwhile endeavor, but it will only be achieved through adaptation and evolution, and not regression or compromise. The Cosmos began as a pioneer club for America, now they have to look to being a pioneer club for the world.


https://upscri.be/16bb19

Arsenal sent Carlisle United a Christmas card for some reason

The most festive mystery of our time

(Carlisle United/Twitter)

There are always a few holidays cards that make you say “Really? From them?” upon opening and the same goes for football clubs, apparently.

Carlisle United, who play in League Two, were so delighted with the card they received from Arsenal, who have only played Carlisle five times in their 130-year existence, that they tweeted a photo of it.

Why would Arsenal send Carlisle a holiday card? Maybe they sent one to every club in England. Maybe they just wanted to show off their goofy reindeer sweaters to as many people as possible. Or maybe someone at the Emirates couldn’t bring themselves to address one to Chelsea and sent it to Carlisle instead. Whatever the case, Arsenal’s response to this tweet only created more questions.

Of all the gifs…why that one?!?! What kind of mind games are you playing here, Arsenal?



Chapecoense unveil new crest to commemorate crash victims and Copa Sudamericana title

One star to honor the dead and one to mark their work

(Chapecoense)

CONMEBOL decided to honor Atletico Nacional’s request and name Chapecoense 2016 Copa Sudamericana champions in the wake of the plane crash that killed 71 people traveling to Colombia for the first leg of the final. Now, Chape have unveiled a new crest that pays tribute to those who lost their lives and what they achieved.

https://whatahowler.com/chapecoenses-opponents-rally-to-support-air-crash-devastated-club-ee8950602bdc

“The first star makes reference to the conquest of the Copa Sudamericana,” says the club’s infographic (according to Google Translate). “It is white as a sign of peace. The peace found by our Eternal Champions. In addition, the white color symbolizes the light that will guide us forward.”

“The second star inside the letter F — which refers to football — is the subtle yet powerful way of eternalizing those who dedicated their lives to Chapecoense.”

As an added honor, Barcelona have invited Chape to be their opponents in the the friendly that will decide the winners of the Joan Gamper trophy next year. Says Barca’s statement on the matter:

FC Barcelona wants to pay tribute to the 71 people who died in the accident and their families, and will therefore make the 2017 Joan Gamper Trophy a great tribute to the world of football through various activities around this match which will become known as the date of this celebration approaches.

Along with the invitation to Chapecoense to the 2017 Joan Gamper Trophy, FC Barcelona would like to collaborate on the institutional and sporting reconstruction of the Club, and help to recover the competitive level that it had.

Chapecoense will never forget the tragedy they have endured, but now, fittingly, the people who gave the most for the club will forever be represented over the hearts of those who move the club forward in their name—in Barcelona and beyond.

https://whatahowler.com/chapecoenses-opponents-rally-to-support-air-crash-devastated-club-ee8950602bdc


Fan with one leg wins Scottish Football League’s goal of the month award

He’s coming for the Puskas Award next

(SPFL)

The Scottish Premier League’s goal of the month award has been claimed by 32-year-old Dundee United fan Tommy McKay, who executed a gorgeous lob during halftime of a Scottish Championship match against Dunfirmline.

McKay battled cancer as a child, resulting in the loss of his right leg. However, this didn’t slow him down as he charged towards the goal on crutches and executed a perfect lob from outside the box to the delight of the crowd and a group of players warming up on the pitch. The footage quickly spread, earning McKay a spot amongst the league’s goal of the month nominees. He came out on top with 80% of the online vote.

“You will never know how much this means to me and my family and I am eternally grateful,” said McKay, who plays in the Amputee Football Association Scotland, upon receiving his trophy from Dundee United manager Ray McKinnon. In addition to the award, McKay also receives a season ticket for 2017/18.


Artur Boruc’s rageful recap of Bournemouth’s incredible comeback against Liverpool

A passionate perspective on an emotional 4–3 win


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN OUR WIN OVER LIVERPOOL IN DESCENDING ORDER OF HOW ANGRY THEY MADE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. I CONCEDED TWO GOALS IN A SPAN OF TWO MINUTES—THIS WAS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONCEDING ONE GOAL IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME WANT TO JUMP INTO A CANOE FULL OF ANAL BLEACH BUT TO THEN CONCEDE ANOTHER SO SOON BECAUSE I COULDN’T REMEMBER IF I ACTUALLY BURIED LANDMINES IN THE GOALMOUTH OR IF THAT WAS JUST AN EXCEPTIONALLY REALISTIC DREAM I HAD!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MAYBE I DID BURY LANDMINES AND I JUST GOT RIPPED OFF BY MY LANDMINE GUY!!!!!!!! TO BE HONEST THAT MAKES ME EVEN MORE ANGRY THAN CONCEDING TWO GOALS IN TWO MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ME FLEEING LANDMINES THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. CONCEDING A THIRD GOAL IN THE 64TH MINUTE—WE HAD JUST STARTED OUR COMEBACK WHEN EMRE CAN FIRED A LASERBALL INTO THE TOP CORNER LIKE SOME KIND OF HUMAN LASERBALL CANNON WHICH IS A THING THAT DOES NOT EXIST AND NEITHER SHOULD THAT GOAL!!!!!!!!!!! HUMANS CANNOT BE LASERBALL CANNONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS A RULE OF THE GALAXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL SEE YOU IN SPACE JAIL EMRE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!

3. JURGEN KLOPP: SECRET AGENT OF THE CORN CONSPIRACY—THE KERNELED MENACE HAS WRAPPED ITS DASTARDLY STALKS AROUND MANY OF THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL FIGURES AND JURGEN KLOPP IS NO EXCEPTION!!!!!!!!! THE MAN IS CLEARLY IN THE THROES OF CORN HYSTERIA AND HE IS A DANGER TO EVERYONE AROUND HIM!!!!!!!!!!! JUST LOOK AT THE WAY HE GESTICULATES ON THE TOUCHLINE AND HUGS HIS PLAYERS AS IF HE’S TRYING TO POP THEM OUT OF REVENGE FOR ALL THE CORN MANKIND HAS POPPED OVER THE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!! WE MUST BE VIGILANT TO STOP THE CORN FROM DROWNING US IN BUTTER AND TAKING CONTROL OF THE PLANET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://whatahowler.com/artur-boruc-is-workout-dancing-and-you-cant-handle-it-e3b731f6014e

4. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI—MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI HAS BEEN PESTERING ME TO GET MATCH TICKETS FOR HIM AND HIS GOOBER KIDS ALL SEASON AND THIS WAS THE DAY I FINALLY DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! THE ENTIRE TIME THEY KEPT SHOUTING “WE BELIEVE IN YOU ARTUR” AND “YOU’LL SAVE THE NEXT ONE ARTUR” EVEN THOUGH I HAVE REPEATEDLY TOLD THEM THAT I DO NOT RESPOND WELL TO POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS INCREDIBLY RUDE!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NEXT TIME THEY ASK ME FOR TICKETS I’M GOING TO SAY I DONATED THEM ALL TO A YOUTH CHARITY EXCEPT I’M GOING TO SAY IT IN A WAY SO THEY KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER DRINK DIET PAINT THINNER THAN SEE THEIR GOOBER FACES AT VITALITY STADIUM EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!! THEY WERE ALL CHEWING THEIR FOOD WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN!!!!!!!! IT WAS SO DISTRACTING!!!!!!!! WHO CHEWS A HOT DOG 437 TIMES?!?!?!?!?!

5. ROBERTO FIRMINO’S HAIR—IT LOOKS LIKE A SCALP ERECTION AND IT’S NOT APPROPRIATE TO HAVE THAT THING BOUNCE AROUND THE PITCH AS IF IT WAS WASHED WITH VIAGRA SHAMPOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOOTBALL IS A FAMILY SPORT!!!!!!!!!! IT IS A PLATFORM FOR UNSPEAKABLE VIOLENCE AND HATE FILLED COMPETITION NOT LEWD HAIRDOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW ARE THERE NOT LAWS AGAINST PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF HAIR PENISES?!?!?!?!?!!

6. GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY—THIS IS THE START OF THE THINGS THAT MADE ME HAPPY ANGRY AND NOT EMBARRASSED GRIZZLY BEAR ANGRY!!!!!!!! GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY IS THE GREATEST INVENTION SINCE THE TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT T-SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. RYAN FRASER AND STEVE COOK SCORING TWICE IN TWO MINUTES—WHEN MY TEAMMATES DID THIS TO MAKE IT 3–3 LATE IN THE GAME I REALIZED THAT THIS MUST HAVE BEEN HOW LIVERPOOL FELT WHEN THEY DID THE SAME THING IN THE FIRST HALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS BROUGHT ON A CONFUSING MIX OF EMOTIONS THAT I DID NOT APPRECIATE!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I HATE SEEING THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE’S PERSPECTIVES AND FEELING A CONNECTION WITH ALL OF HUMANITY THAT SUPERSEDES OUR ARTIFICIAL DIVISIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. NATHAN AKE’S 93RD MINUTE WINNER—THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR THE RUSH OF JUBILATION THIS GOAL MADE ME FEEL!!!!!!!! NOT EVEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CELEBRATING WITH AN OPEN MOUTH FULL OF HALF CHEWED HOT DOG COULD RUIN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THAT JURGEN KLOPP!!!!!! TAKE THAT CORN!!!!!! TAKE THAT ROBERTO FIRMINO’S THROBBING HAIR PENIS!!!!!!!!! YOU WERE DEFEATED BY THE POWER OF BOURNEMOUTH AND THE ALL KNOWING GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY ROBOT THAT PRESUMABLY FEEDS ON LABRADOODLE PUPPIES IN ITS SPARE TIME!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!


Child mascot dab-fakes opposing goalkeeeper’s handshake attempt

Further proof that children are merciless


Before Heidenheim’s 2. Bundesliga match at Hannover 96, goalkeeper Kevin Müller sweetly went to high five the outstretched hand of a Hannover mascot. What he did not know was that he was blindly wandering into a trap devised by the vicious mind of a child.

As Müller swung his arm for the friendly greeting, the child pulled back and dabbed as Müller felt the breeze against his gloved palm. Müller smiled, because he had to, and turned away, presumably vowing to never trust the good nature of a child again.


This is just the latest example in a long history of child mascots showing professional footballers who’s boss. In 2013, a Spurs mascot laid waste to Luis Suarez, then with Liverpool, in the pre-match handshake line.

And then there’s the original master. I’m not sure Steven Gerrard ever recovered from this.


https://upscri.be/16bb19

If it continued… (Barcelona v Real Madrid)

What would’ve happened if El Clasico didn’t end when it did

(Barcelona/Twitter)

A late Sergio Ramos equalizer stunned the Camp Nou and salvaged a 1–1 draw for first-place Real Madrid. Luis Suarez gave Barcelona the lead in the 53rd minute, but Ramos’ uncanny knack for scoring when it’s most needed stopped Barca from cutting into Real Madrid’s six-point lead. And it’s a result like this that truly begs the question, “What if it continued?”

97’ — Zidane continues to be unsure why other people find this football manager business to be difficult.

101’—During a stoppage in play, Barcelona midfielder Denis Suarez sees that Marcelo is about to ask him a question and preemptively says, “No, I’m not related to Luis” while rolling his eyes. Marcelo silently turns around and walks away.

106’—Casemiro reverses global warming, cures heart disease, negotiates peace in the Middle East, gets no credit.

108’—Cristiano Ronaldo thanks Javier Mascherano for trying to take his shirt off for him, but asks that he pull harder so as to ensure that he gets the job done.

https://twitter.com/RMadridInfoV/status/805143462987366401

114’—Gerard Pique tries to commit an idea for a sure to be controversial post-match tweet to memory.

117’—Sergio Ramos considers scoring again, but decides to wait until the final seconds of the next cup final.

123’—Lionel Messi misses with another shot on goal and sighs in a manner that is interpreted by the media as a clear indication that he will sign with both PSG and Man City for record fees in January.

129’—Following his loss to Chelsea earlier in the day, Pep Guardiola texts Barca president Josep Maria Bartomeu “just to say hi” while watching YouTube videos from the 2010/11 season.

135’—Cristiano Ronaldo “accidentally” drops the Euro 2016 trophy in front of Messi and asks how all his runners-up medals are doing. Messi sighs in a way that is interpreted by the media as a clear indication that he will sign with both Inter and the LA Galaxy next summer.

138’—Catalan scientists feverishly work to find a way to ensure that Andres Iniesta can play forever.

139’—James Rodriguez suddenly remembers that he exists.

140’—The match is abandoned when the Spanish tax authorities arrest everyone on both sides.


Ligue 1 match abandoned after fireworks explode next to Lyon keeper

Dumb Metz fans ruin a match their team was leading

(Lyon/Twitter)

Shortly after 13th-place Metz took a 1-o lead over fifth-place Lyon at home, their fans decided things were going entirely too well and figured they should ruin everything with a bang. And so, these idiots threw a firework onto the pitch, which exploded next to Lyon keeper Anthony Lopes.

While Lopes was on the ground receiving treatment, another firework was thrown and exploded beside him. This was when match officials abandoned the game and sent everyone back to the dressing rooms.

According to Lyon, Lopes was taken to a local hospital for tests. Metz have since announced that they have identified the culprits. Severe punishments seem likely to follow.

https://www.gettyimages.com/license/627404984


Chelsea comeback prompts Man City to come violently unhinged

Madness strikes in Manchester

(Chelsea FC/Twitter)

Chelsea defender Gary Cahill proved to be Man City’s best finisher, helping the London side to a 3–1 comeback win that caused City to come unhinged as the match progressed.

Frustrated that calls weren’t going his way as the flubbed opportunities on goal piled up, the strain of not being able to stroll through the Premier League as he did the Bundesliga began to show in Pep Guardiola when he sarcastically applauded the ref like a loon in the second half.

Goals from Diego Costa, Willian, and Eden Hazard made up for Cahill’s own goal just before halftime and led City to adopt an “if you can’t beat ’em, injure ‘em” approach in the final minutes.

Sergio Aguero resumed his attempts to maim David Luiz and was shown a red card, as a result.

This prompted Chelsea’s Nathaniel Chalobah to show Aguero what happens when little guys try to act tough.

https://www.gettyimages.com/license/627361532

Meanwhile, Fernandinho was also sent off for throttling Cesc Fabregas in the ensuing scuffle.

https://www.gettyimages.com/license/627361688

In his post-match press conference, Guardiola claimed that Aguero’s flying knee kick on Luiz wasn’t intentional, but he did apologize for his team’s behavior.

For all the pre-season talk about Guardiola and Jose Mourinho in Manchester, Antonio Conte is not so quietly turning Chelsea into the most formidable side in the Premier League. Even with Gary Cahill scoring against his own team.


DT Giveaway: Share your football gift list, win an Art of Football gift card

What would you get your favorite football personalities for the holidays?

(Art of Football)

We’ve teamed up with our good friends at Art of Football once again for a holiday competition that puts your ability to come up with the perfect gift ideas to the test.

To enter, we’re asking you to play the role of Secret Santa and tell us a gift you would get for three different football personalities. For example, I would get Jose Mourinho a three-pack of Arsene Wenger 20th anniversary socks, I would get Lionel Messi a Nice’N Easy hair color kit, and I would get Diego Costa a Chef’s Choice meat grinder for all his meat grinding needs.

Send your gift picks to dirtytackle@gmail.com before Friday, December 9, 2016. We’ll publish the best entries and pick two winners, who will each receive an Art of Football gift card. So make sure your gift choices are a perfect fit! Good luck.